Did it again because I’m a sick monster.

So when I search for content to masturbate to my main preference is to search for sex scenes from movies. I was searching for an actress on PornHub and the scene I found wasn’t doing it for me so I went looking through the other suggested videos and saw a thumbnail and link to a scene from a movie with a teenage actress. I didn’t click on the scene and quickly scrolled away, but I started feeling uneasy. Then I started obsessing about it and I checked two other websites and they had the scene in question as well. Then I went to a subreddit dedicated to the actress and in an album of pictures they had a mixture of NSFW pictures and just regular pics from when she modeled as a 12 year old mixed in. Now I really feel like a sick monster and I deserve to be put down for it. How can I possibly go on living everyday knowing I’ve seen that? I deserve to be put down like a monster.

They were just regular pictures though. Fan sites often include just every image they can find. From what I'm reading here, you're tormenting yourself with thoughts, but you honestly didn't do anything terrible. You're not a sick monster and you don't deserve to die.

I just feel like I have because it’s happened to me so many times and I just wait for the day that everyone finds out what a sick freak I am and I’m outcasted.

It isn't like you are hurting anyone, right? I don't think that what you are experiencing is unusual. You certainly don't sound like a monster to me. I think you are being way too hard on yourself. Personally, I think that there is nothing wrong with fantasies or anything like that. You aren't doing anything illegal and you aren't hurting anyone. To me, that is the line that you should draw: is anyone being hurt by what I am doing. Looking at (and even masturbating to) pictures or movies that are legal and that the person was paid for, put on their resume, and isn't ashamed of, to me, isn't a bad thing. That is just my opinion.

This sounds like Ocd to me.Do you have a therapist?

you staying in remorse isnt helping anyone.
not you. not the actress. not ur friends and family n loved ones. n certainly not this world.

its good that u feel remorse.
but maybe put up porn blockers on website so u dont engage in similar behavior.

i've put a poster on the wall of my bedroom. the poster says no pmo.
ofcourse pmo is controversial so i wont ask u to abstain from that.

but maybe write down how remorse ur feeling now on poster, so u dont repeat a similar act in future.

staying in remorse doesnt help anyone. maybe do some social work to reduce the pain.