Feeling extremely guilty over terrible things I've done...

Hi everyone. Like the title says, I am currently wallowing in guilt over all of my past decisions, making me feel like I am a terrible person. These aren't just minor, trivial things, either, so I will list them out in order to paint an accurate picture:

1. When I was 14, me and a very close family friend of the same age used to enjoy "tickling" and "massaging" each other at night. We would do this on each other's bare skin (non-sexually) and we both enjoyed it. However, one night, things got a lot more intense, and I started touching her in sexual spots (ass and breasts) and, at first, she did the same for me enthusiastically. However, I am now 20 years old and, looking back, there reached a point in the night when she went quieter than usual while I started "tickling" her now bare breasts and ass without asking for her permission. I asked her to touch me in different sexual places, too, and she did...but looking back, I think she could've definitely felt pressured to participate when she didn't want to and was uncomfortable. I didn't realize that at the time, but now I look back, and I am so ashamed that I didn't ask for her consent.

2. I have talked about this on here before, but when I was 17, I attempted to kiss a boy who didn't want to be kissed. We were at a party, and I jumped on his lap and tried to get him to kiss me, but he kept turning his head and saying "no". After several seconds, I finally got off his lap and realized how terrible and awful my actions were and proceeded to frantically apologize for the next ten minutes. He was visibly uncomfortable while I kept apologizing profusely and, to this day, I feel really bad about it. This incident propelled me to be VERY conscious about the issue of consent, and I have been extremely careful since this day (and also helped me realize years after it happened that the incident when I was 14 was really bad).

3. I have had a toxic relationship with my younger brother at times, and I have been controlling and manipulative with him in the past. I would dominate conversations, hurt his feelings in order to prove that I was right about something, and call him names. I think it was because our mother is incredibly abusive and controlling and, living in that household, I took my anger and frustrations with my mother out on him. This was longer ago still, but I even used to bribe him and annoy him for kisses (on the cheek) not for any sexual reason, but just because I thought he was adorable - something that would clearly upset him. I realized how wrong these behaviors were a couple years back and have been working on being a better sister since.

4. Lastly, my biggest wake-up call to my toxic tendencies was the fallout of my relationship with my best friend. Earlier this year, she accused me of being manipulative and cut off a lot of contact with me, and this accusation was something that I became VERY defensive over...but now, I totally understand what she means when she claimed I was manipulative. I was overly needy and clingy to the point where I would get upset if I wasn't always her first priority, I would sulk/give the silent treatment at times, etc. There were a lot of other factors at play here (she didn't do a very good job at setting boundaries, she contributed to the relationship getting more intimate that it should've), but none of those things excuse the manipulation.

The fallout of the relationship with my best friend was the wake-up call I needed to realize the selfishness underlying a lot of my bad behaviors. I was acting selfishly when I was 14 (not paying closer attention to someone else's feelings over my own), when I was 17 (caring about my own pleasure more than someone else's safety), and with my brother (getting my needs of establishing control met through being abusive to him). And I was acting selfishly with my friend, too. After all of these bad things I've done in my life, I have tried to become a better person in some way and right my wrongs somehow. But now I finally realize the underlying root of all of it so I can make sure none of this selfishness crops up in another future horrible decision again.

But...I can't get rid of the feeling that I'm a terrible person! I am trying my best to be a better person, I am making amends, I'm fixing my behavior to the best of my ability...but I still feel like none of that will ever make up for the horrible things I did. I think it's because some of the horrible things I did were sexual assaults...that's something that most people consider unspeakable and terrible and only something monsters do. I feel like "redemption" and "becoming a better person" is for people who have cheated or lied or stole something...those things don't apply to people who commit sexual assault because it is so terrible and unforgivable.

How can I deal/live with this guilt? It's terrible and I don't know what to do with it...

I think you were just a horny teenager. I would forgive myself.

Thanks for your input.

If anyone else has any other advice/insights, I would greatly appreciate it.

Terrible people don't feel guilt and make sure that they don't hurt people in the future.


some of your actions weren't okay, but you wouldn't repeat them now that you have an understanding of how the other person may have been impacted.

You feel bad because you're not a bad person..

Hi,

You made simple mistakes, I though they were more, all you mistakes are done when you are young and experimenting.
The only one that interested me is your relationship with your brother, this can be easily fixed, you can talk to him and apologize, tell him we are grown up now and I remember doing these things as kids, at that time we were kids and kids don't know better, now we are adults and I am apologize, I'm sure this will bring you closer and I doubt he will even think about it, I'm sure he will welcome you with open arms.

As other posters wrote if you feel bad that means you have decency in you and don't worry much about it, think of it, you did not harm anyone in those actions, they are simple and due to experiment as kids,
I hope this helps.

Terrible people don't feel guilt.