Feeling like a monster

I posted this in the OCD forums as well.

’ve had POCD for the past three years and every time I go and think I’m getting better, I screw myself up. I’m addicted to masturbation and I prefer masturbating to sex scenes from movies. So usually I’ll got to a website or subreddit dedicated strictly to that.

Well what winds up happening is if I’m searching for a sex scene and I come across an actress who looks young I’ll freak out and research her in the middle of me doing the act. Even if she’s an adult in real life and she’s playing a teenager or something in the movie I freak out and get severe depression about it and I feel guilt and shame.

Even though I feel all of these things I still continuously do it. Well I was doing it today and I came across a movie on a subreddit where I know for a fact the actress was actually 17 years old when she filmed those scenes and I freaked out and backed out as fast as I can.

Now I feel great guilt and shame and I don’t know how I can live on. I try to limit my searches to reddit when I search prod porn because it’s supposed to be 18+ but it doesn’t excuse my behavior. I know people who tell others their going to commit suicide are usually just needing attention, I created a throwaway account because I feel like it’s the only right thing for me to do.

I can’t live on in this world because I’m going to have days where I’m talking to someone and it’s going to pop up in my head “You like teen girls.” And I can’t get it out of there. I have no one to blame but myself for my actions and I just feel like it’s time.

From my understanding of your post you are not talking about pornographic films? So, I feel like what you are describing is - to a great extent - within the realm of fantasy. Acting a "sex scene" and actually have sex are not the same. You should cut yourself some slack for channelling your desires carefully. And please retain some self-respect because...

The fact is, I (like many millions of others) crossed that line as an adolescent or young man and actually have sex with a child of that age. There are even actors and celebrities who remain popular and famous having openly had a relationship with a 16 or 17-year-old child, even far past their own adolescence. Jerry Seinfeld is an example. Now, I think this is seriously wrong. I wouldn't post in 'Remorse' and struggle to look myself in the eye some 10 years later if I didn't think that were the case. But there is a difference between fantasy and reality.

When making a movie, if a child is involved in such a scene, there have to be a lot of on-set precautions. Parents are often present, for instance. So, again, this is more a matter of fantasy than real child abuse.

Also, noone is strictly a monster. We're all human. Actually messing around with a 17-year-old kid like I did (edit: when older than 16/17/maybe 18) makes you a really scuzzy human. But just fantasizing about it, certainly doesn't. Your brain is your own private domain and thankfully no society has yet managed to pass laws to truly police it