Self-indulgence, comparison, and hypocrisy

Hello everyone. Recently i started to notice that i have some serious personality issues. I am not sure how to describe them properly or if this rant actually belong here, but i should try. I hope any forum dweller would point out my errors in thinking and advice me want to do.

Lately i watched a film about human influence on nature and decided to become a vegan. I tried to explain this to parents but it was clear they would not permit it. So i decided to reduce the consumption of food of animal origin as much as possible. In order to keep myself motivated i took the simplest and the wrongest path - engaging in discussions in my head. I would proudly declare i'm vegan and then perfectly point out the fallacies of my opponents, in a very condescending and patronizing way. What's worse, i chose "adversaries" among acquaintances, like "this guy is conservative, so he should eat meat. I will explain him why it's bad" (i can't even find an adjective to describe this behavior). Still, i ate food and eggs when i had to (and i had to quite often). In reality, i didn't deny that i actually like meat. Veganism was kind of self-sacrifice for me since the beginning because i really thought it would help animals, and even now i think i would do without meat for a fairly long time if i had proper conditions (no parent control, carefully chosen diet etc.). Maybe it was just my edginess (i do not deny, i sometimes try to be different from others, although i do not know why) or there's a real problem?

Another, much more serious problem consists in following: recently i remembered having killed a lizard in childhood. At first, i was quite worried, maybe for a day but then i put up with it almost perfectly. However, some evidences surged i did not actually kill the lizard, but that was rather a false memory, as i have Pure-O OCD. Anyway, i thought how i would act if it was true. The response of my inner voice somehow horrified me : "I wouldn't care much. So many people kill animals for food, destroy vermin and squash pigeons, so why a lizard should make a difference? Besides, there are people who do much worse things and there also people who had an experience of animal abuse and they are respected and considered "decent" . I knew, that is not what i supposed to think. But, the very hideousness of it is that i tacitly agree with it. Like i just would want to forget it and carry on living, i just do not think it's serious. What can i do? How come i can not feel empathy? I desperately want to feel it, maybe to prove myself that i'm good and that surely sucks, but it seems i do not care much. But that is not the way i should act, i feel it.

Harlaehas wrote:Hello everyone. Recently i started to notice that i have some serious personality issues. I am not sure how to describe them properly or if this rant actually belong here, but i should try. I hope any forum dweller would point out my errors in thinking and advice me want to do.
...Like i just would want to forget it and carry on living, i just do not think it's serious. What can i do? How come i can not feel empathy? I desperately want to feel it, maybe to prove myself that i'm good and that surely sucks, but it seems i do not care much. But that is not the way i should act, i feel it.

My reaction may not be what you imagined. I think you are self-flagellating for some reason. I can't see that you've done much wrong. Is there a reason you might want to punish yourself? Or perhaps you're just obsessing? Are there any strategies you normally use to distract yourself?

pamelaperejil wrote:My reaction may not be what you imagined. I think you are self-flagellating for some reason. I can't see that you've done much wrong. Is there a reason you might want to punish yourself? Or perhaps you're just obsessing? Are there any strategies you normally use to distract yourself?

Well, i do have OCD, and yes, some ruminations are surely excessive and false memory and intrusive thoughts are bad as hell but it actually makes me think before doing and realize what my actions may result to. Killing a lizard was probably a false memory but what if it was true? It was not an accident, i was supposed did it on purpose and that's very bad? I feel like i can't live with it but yes, i'm easily distracted, that's what i do to cope with the greatest part of my problems - playing games, watching TV series and so on. But is this right? Maybe i'm worrying for nothing because i'm not sure if it did happen.

Harlaehas wrote:...i'm not sure if it did happen.

I don't mean to sound callous but I'm not sure it matters if 20 year ago or so you may or may not have killed a lizard.

My reaction is the same in either case.

so, i walk into my local supermarket because i want to buy some milk. the almond milk is £1.50. the cows milk is £0.80. just at the moment i have a lot of financial uncertainty. so, i buy the cows milk. now, my dietary backstop is vegetarian. it's not like i don't know about all the horrors of dairy farming. i do. and i'd love to go back to being fruitarian but this isn't something you do on a budget. it's not like i'm not thinking about all these things as i make my purchase. this goes under 'virtue was not convenient at the time'. and when i get upstairs i may well have some explaining to do.

if i told this to most people, they'd stare at me blankly and doubt my sanity.

so, yes, it's a tough one. but we're allowed to make mistakes provided we truly repent. and that's where i'm going to be in trouble, because that means not doing it again. in short, whilst i can relate, it's for you to find peace with yourself or god, depending on your beliefs.

How anyone else seen Simon Amstell's great vegan mockumentary/ documentary Carnage?

If not, I'll link it here:
https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x5txizo

(for the record, I'm much the same - long-standing vegetarian since I was young but, while I tend to buy nut milk and other vegan products, have never quite made the switch... I hope the doc is correct and eventually we just stop mass dairy farming all together)