Should I end it all? over this?

Hi all, I have suffered with OCD for a good few months now. Themes have varied from harm ocd, POCD, drugs ocd, suicide ocd, hold. You name it. I’ve been suffering with distressing obsessive thoughts that seem to have come from nowhere. I also have nieces and nephews that I love dearly like they’re my own children and I would never dream of doing anything to cause them harm. I also studied childcare at college, I am a very caring person by nature so these thoughts trouble me deeply. since then I’ve been thinking of all my past behaviours to see if I’ve done anything inappropriate or cruel to the children (not sexual, but just anything). The only thing I’ve come up is the early relationship I had with my partner of 11 years Nephew. We class him as my nephew too. He is my partners sisters son and he is now 6. I remember feeling worried when he was first born that everyone would love him and prefer him over the niece on my side of the family (silly I know). I almost felt jealous of him and couldn’t allow myself to find him cute or sweet because of this. I recall one day in the car when he was around 1 year old (5 years ago) He was throwing his ball on the floor constantly for me to pick it up and then he pulled my hair. I don’t know why I did it it but I squeezed his hand. It wasn’t hard enough to leave a mark and his hand wasn’t red. He didn’t even make a sound but he did look at me as if to say that hurt! He continued to throw his ball around the car and I squeezed his hand again as I bent to pick it up. I don’t know why on earth I did this. I think I was trying to show him no don’t do that and gently remind him not to do it. I didn’t feel confident enough to discipline him verbally in front of his grandmother. It can’t have bothered him much as he continued to throw the ball anyway and tug at my hair. In his early years up to around 3 he’d come to our house occasionally and spend time with my niece and I can’t help but worry that I was more strict with him than I should’ve been and more protective over my niece, like some sort of defensive mechanism that my partner and everyone else preferred him to her (pathetic and incorrect. I was a silly 20 year old and have matured tremendously since). I remember another time taking him to nursery and he was crying then because he never wanted to be with anyone apart from his grandmother who wrapped him up in cotton wool. I must’ve held his hand too tight (the memory is very vague and sometimes I wonder if they’re false memories trying to convince me I did this purposely to hurt him ) and he said ouch you’re hurting my hand and I instantly stopped in horror and said I’m sorry baby! It’s like I was horrified by my own actions. His mum would occasionally tease him, she’s that kind of mum. But when I did the same , my partner would tell me not too so I’m also obsessing over that. Was I inappropriate? I remember I’d say things like mummy’s gone to the shop now you’ve got to stay with us and he’d cry, or I’d say quick a monsters coming so he would cuddle me and I could comfort him, I think deep down I wanted him to like me. I remember praising my niece over him when they were together but I felt like his side of the family would praise him over her in the same respect, this was probably my insecurities and sounds ridiculous now. I just feel like I’m obsessing over this and questioning myself, was I too rough with him in play? I remember pushing him down a slide once when playing a game, he’d sit and I’d push, one time he tumbled over. Did I do this too hard intentionally? Did I want to hurt him? Did I used to squeeze his cheeks just that bit too hard or swing him around a bit too much even though he’d laugh and laugh? I’m obsessing over my motives and intentions and second guessing myself. Surely I wouldn’t have wanted to hurt him? I love him, I love children. I want to be a mum, or I did until this got me suicidal. I’ve been with my partner 11 years, we were ready until these memories came back to me. My nephew and I have a great relationship and have had for years, in fact I’m one of his favourites and I’d never harm a hair on his head. We’ve been on family holidays together where he didn’t leave my side, as soon as I go to his house he’s straight to me on my lap hugging and kissing me. I just can’t help obsessing over these minor moments thinking that this makes me some kind of monster who should never have children. The teasing, squeezing on two occasions, play fighting where I’m questioning was I too rough? Was I meaning to hurt him? The thought of this makes me sick to my stomach. Surely I wasn’t?! I love him, and all my nieces and nephews dearly. Why can’t I stop obsessing over this? I know it was wrong to tease him and be strict / snappy with him. But am I a terrible person? :’( I’ve felt suicidal over this. I even told my partner and he said yes it is wrong to do that but he knows I love children and it would’ve been a mistake I made. But it’s impacting my life obsessing over this memory from 4-5 years ago. I feel like his mum would kill me if she knew. I just can’t cope anymore I’m just glad my nephew and partner still loves me. I’m sorry for the long post!

You know in your heart this is your OCD. You do, you do, you do. Please speak more kindly to yourself about this. I honestly thing your getting close to potentially having children has triggered this anxiety in you and you are over-analysing past events which were not abusive, well-intentioned or, in the case of your holding your nephew's hand too hand, accidental. It would be so sad and awful to end your life (and with it, all the love you have for your family) over something like this. Really, truly, honestly.

Thanks so much for your reply. I do think what I did was wrong, I was very immature at the time for a 20 year old and have grown tremendously in the last 5-6 years. Being jealous over a child is of course irrational and wrong. Displaying that jealousy is horrendous and I just wish I knew how to get past that in my own mind. I just feel so very lucky that our relationship is now a lovely one and has been for the past few years. OCD is definitely making everything seem a million times worse, hence the suicidal thoughts. I just wish I could get passed this and I have no idea how so any advice is greatly appreciated!

i cared for both my mother and father until they died. my mother died many months ago. my father just recently. he had dementia. i drove myself into the ground caring for him. after his death i started crucifying myself over all the things that, retrospectively, i'd got wrong. i knew i was severely sleep deprived. i knew i'd pushed myself much too hard. but none of that mattered. it had been my responsibility. after a good couple of weeks of this i started to remember some of the things that i'd got right. and then i realised that had i not put myself in that position, i wouldn't have had these thoughts of what i'd got wrong. eventually, i realised that the experience had been a lesson in love. and that's what i'd like to say to you: life is a lesson in love.

Nope. If you end it all, you let the OCD win.
Your OCD is simply a thorn in your side.

Once you control it, and it does not control you, you will realize your thoughts were just ... thoughts.

I know for sure that my OCD is making this all seem a million times worse, these thoughts didn’t enter my head too much over the years until the OCD really took over. I do know that being jealous of a child is wrong and letting that jealousy be known to him. It makes me feel ill. I have matured so much since those days. I know my story was so long but I had so much to get off my chest and I guess I just wanted to see if others agreed with my mindset that I’m a monster for this. I don’t know how to get passed it. Thanks for all the helpful comments so far, I do appreciate them.

look at it like this: people work on reflexes. after, they analyse those reflexes. if they don't like them, they try to intervene, should those reflexes occur again. it's not necessarily that there's intent behind the reflexes. the intent is behind the intervention.