Is what I describe sexual abuse ?

Hi, this is my first, and I hope last post here.

I need your help about something that happened 18 years ago.

I recently remembered that at age 13, while I was playing with my little brother who is 10 years younger than me, I made up a game which consisted in :

• me pretending to fall asleep, my head on his butt which was covered by his pajamas a few times, and his butt naked (uncovered by me, no other body part exposed) another few times
• him pretending to fart so that would wake me up
• me pretending to be angry and tickling him, and him laughing

I realized quickly (a matter of minutes) that what I was doing was wrong, felt ashamed, told my brother to keep this game of ours between us, and never did something like this again to anyone.

I do not know why I did this, maybe to feel "what it was like". It's hard to remember, but it is clear I felt arousal, and that this arousal made me stop at some point.

I did not remembered these events for the rest of my teenage years.

A few days ago, the memory came back to me after a long period where it did not bother me. I told my mom about it, who said that it was wrong indeed. She also said that I understood that it was wrong, and put and end to it quickly. She says it is sign of a boy who recognized he had crossed a line and that is why I did not do it again.

I've been haunted by this memory before, and since my little brother does not seem to remember anything, and is growing as a stable and well functionning adult, I told myself I had to carry the weight of what I did without disturbing him. For some time it has been a comforting thought, but right now I feel like I can't bear it.
My brother and I have a very good relationship, he often seeks advice (on what to do with his future for instance), and I'm glad to help him and be supportive of his choices.


This memory is one of the most painful I have.
The age gap (10 years) terrifies me and to know that I was able to uncover my little brother tears me appart.
I'm afraid my mom is being too kind to me because I'm her son.


I don't know what to do. I can't function normaly. I have a therapist, but I'm afraid to bring it up.

Please help me.

I agree with your mom. If you are both adults it is safe to bring up in therapy. Dont quote me though.

Your mom is being clear-sighted about this, I think. You realised it crossed a line. Your intention was not exploitative or sexual. You were a kid messing around and when the behaviour prompted a sexual reaction in you, you were freaked out and stopped what you were doing. It was not violatory, just stupid. I believe you should be able to discuss it in therapy now your brother is no longer a child