Not sure if this is paedophilia.

So before I start I don't know if this is my OCD magnifying but oh well. So when I was 14 or 15 I used to look at por n images online and these were women and I came across pictures of girls my age or like 2-3 years younger posing disgustingly (they were clothed) but at the time I didn't think so I proceeded to masturbate (I got into por n at a rather young age) but then I went back to report them cause anyone could find them and I realised it's not a nice thing to have on internet. Does this make me a bad person or paedophile? I am in no way attracted to children or have I ever been. Another thing when I was 16 I came across a gymnastic video and the kid must of been 12 I got a groinal response and now I feel like I'm a disgusting pig who deserves to die.

OK straight away you're not a paedophile or anywhere near a bad person. You were a child riddled with hormones and you acted upon them as any normal teen would. Now, the materials you looked at were bad yes but this doesn't make you a bad person. The fact that you feel so remorseful says plenty about your character. You deserve to live just as the rest of us do so please try to leave this where it is, in the past. Also, what you did didn't directly harm anyone and is simply just a memory in your head. You haven't gone out and ruined lives. Please try to dump these feelings and thoughts in the past where they belong because you most certainly do deserve forgiveness so please forgive your childhood self, we're all much different from that point in our lives, so are you.

Thanks alot man. I never masturbated to the gymnastic videos; I got a groinal response went off the video and masturbated to get rid of it.

-- Mon May 28, 2018 1:04 pm --

Also I just remembered I didn't even really masturbate to it I just looked.

-- Mon May 28, 2018 5:37 pm --

I got a detail wrong, I wasn't looking for por n I was looking for ways to become a child model as 14 and 15 and I found the images which I did get a groinal response but didn't masturbate until after I reported and shut the photos down so I just feel like I masturbated to the images but that might be OCD

-- Tue May 29, 2018 1:55 pm --

Feeling a little better. My memory magnifies alot in my head and distorts it so that's difficult but I am getting better. I am very proud as I helped shut down a big website full of 'modelling which alot of people supposedly came across so I'm very happy. It just makes the memories feel closer to now but I have to remember it's OCD thanks!

This definitely seems like POCD and I think if you look at posts by others with POCD on Psychforums you'll find a lot you relate to Good luck

Thanks alot, Sprock! I'll have a look now.