I'm not sure if I deserve to live anymore.

The thoughts started about 7 months ago when I was watching a YouTube video and it mention the guy who created Alice and wonderland was a pedo . I started doing research about people aruging if he was one or whatever I honestly think he was because all he did was hang with alice and her sisters along with took pics of them plus asked her to marry him which in my opinion is gross. I searched up the pics to see if he actually took them and I freaked out cried x'd out of everything. I began to question if I was like him becaus I did love children but never seen them in that light because I always liked guys my age or older from since I can remember. At first I tried to ignore the thoughts and I stopped babysitting my baby cousin, I couldn't eat or get out of bed all I wanted to do is die. Then I learned about pocd and had hope that it wasnt my fault then I realized when i was 16 ( yet I was exposed to it when I was 10 when I caught my brother)I was going through a porn addicton and I watched all kinds of porn.I got into serious taboo porn of all kinds you could imagine. The worst was lolicon but I didn't go searching for it in the beginning. I was just on hentai websites and didn't really pay attention to what I was getting off to. I somewhat got an idea what destructive material I was reading when I read one of the titles . I cried and never viewed that stuff again and to be honest I hate myself for allowing myself to feed into it or even view it. I never looked back or gave it a second thought because like I said always been attracted to guys my age or older never once seen a child in that light. Now since 7 months ago I don't want kids anymore nor do I want to live. Ive had a history of questioning if I was into my older brother because I gave him a kiss on the lips when we were kids but I thought that was silly after awhile. I also thought I was attracted to dogs at one point but thought that was silly too. The worse one was when I thought I was going to kill my mom so I would hide the knives and stuff. Now all I can think about is what if Im a pedo and been in denial for years because I cared for kids in like a motherly way and love babies because they are so cute . Now I never had to urge to touch kids even when Im around them, when they get close I get very scared, now I catch myself looking at them to see if I feel anything but I don't unless they are super cute kid then I feel my anxiety rise. I just don't feel like myself anymore, all I feel is fear most of the time. Im scared to sleep because I don't want to dream about kids but I never do most of the time if a kid is in my dream its never sexually and my love interest is an older guy . Older guys have always interesting me and ever since Ive started questioning my self Im losing attraction and all I can feel is numb,fear, or anxiety. I was diagnosed with ocd and major depression. Im a 20 year old female too and I feel like I don't know myself anymore.

I realized at 19 I went into cartoon porn (no not lolicon but characters from teen titans and so on )and it portrayed cartoon characters then I realized that no hentai site or porn was safe so I stopped looking at it all together because I realized it was the same thing almost .it eats me to know that I didn't pay attention to what I was reading and before you ask no I wasn't attracted to anything I got off too. I blame myself for everything and do not deserve forgiveness. I deserve death and I stop eating so hopefully I'll end up dead.

I have no desire to look at those things since I realized what they actually were and it went against my morals and people try to justify its just cartoons but no its not its much more sinster and wish I knew the dangers I got myself into. Im 20 but i feel like I have no life anymore and that I don't know myself anymore.

I wake up and have panic attacks sometimes or it feels like it. Thanks for listening I hope you all enjoy your life to the fullest.

You do deserve to live. You will be ok. You are getting help. I have faith.

Okely dokely, I think you've got a lot going on in your head. I think that perhaps therapy may be a good idea to help because this sounds like nothing more than morbid obsession. You looked at harmful materials but as you said you didn't know what the full extent of these were and once you realised you stopped. That's a great thing and combined with your remorse shows you are a good person. I don't think you're a danger to anyone never mind children! Also of course you deserve to live! Everyone does. What you did is in no way close to warranting that sort of train of thought. You are far FAR from being a paedophile or even a bad person for that matter. Please forgive yourself because you truly deserve it. You've shown this through your remorse and determination not to look at these materials again. Take it from me I know what you're going through and I'm telling you that it gets easier. You need to try and change your perspective of the memories because essentially that's all they are, memories. No one was actually physically harmed by what you did, not excusing it but reassuring you. The only thing holding you back is thoughts in your head and these are the thoughts of a good person because a bad person would either not care and/or keep searching for these materials, and you have done the exact opposite. You have so much more to give to this world and you can most definitely go ahead and find happiness again. Just keep remembering that you ARE a good person and you've learned from your mistakes. Now get up, dust yourself off and go live your life to the fullest! If you want to talk then feel free to send me a message!

As a mod I'm in full and absolute agreement with these two v. good posts above

This really seems like POCD. You know in your heart that you do deserve to live, but are scared others will say you don't or that this is what you *ought* to think. You did not hurt anyone and when you looked at "lolicon" you were still a child yourself, working things out. You have written nothing to indicate that you are a bad person, just that you have a busy and troubled brain. I really do think therapy and daily meditation could help, even if only a little at first. Please do try. We believe in you!

Kind regards,
Adam