Narcissism is ruining my life

At first I wanted to post this in the Narcissistic Personality Disorder forum but after browsing a bit, this might be the a better place. For it is due to regret that I seek help with, to change.

I don’t know how long this is going to be, (edit: long...) but I am frankly running at my wits end. I came here looking for answers, answers I cannot find in my current situation or may have simply overlooked in all these years.

For the last few years, I have quite frankly been battling with my self on a narcissistic level. I am currently 31 years old and consider myself extremely smart, amazing, fantastic and the world should be at my feet and yet at the same time realize I have nothing to show for it. No, ‘Nobel prize’ so to say to back up everything that I think of myself in my mind.
The first time I came to this dreaded idea that I “might” have a narcissistic side to myself is when my father told me that it was always ‘me’. ‘Me me me’ never ‘them’ or anyone I loved. When I spoke, it was centered around me. Throughout the years, I tried changing this, which did not work out that well. But I felt I was doing better, for I ‘knew’
And that was half the battle, or so I thought.
In my younger years I simply went with the flow of being a teenager and the world (I do honestly believe this, and its not something my mind made up as yet another excuse why I am different) is so different, you just have to find your place in, well everything. Friends, relationships, sex or even family and work.

Yet I never noticed anything wrong with me. It was the world that was weird.
I had very little friends, parents who both worked basically 24/7 and no family. I only had 1 grandmother who openly said to everyone that I was the least favorite. So from the time I was 8 or 9, I had no family besides my mom and dad and I hardly saw those.
I had to figure out most of my own.
The one friend I did have when I was younger always picked me out last to play with, as if I was the (which it literally was) last resort to hang around with. But I accepted it, cause else I would have no one to play with as well...
When I was 12, we moved and besides school, I had no one to talk to. Except... myself.
Add a few good years of bullying at school as well, and you have a grey picture of how my years looked like.

Now, in present time I feel at times that there is a different person in me, yet there is not. Its not a polar condition, I like to think so at least. But whenever I do certain (bad...) things I reflect upon them later and I am literally baffled that I did them. Considering them would’ve been one thing, acting them out... it scares me. Yet they all have one general thing in common; me. Its all about me. Power, wealth, fortune, fame, fun. Name it, whenever I can be in the middle of it, I do it. And it doesn’t matter how much I hurt another person, or people in general, if it benefits me, I go for it. The thing is, those people that can get hurt... they disappear. From my radar. I no longer know nor care about them, it’s all about me. Yet when I am done, or a dreaded deed has been done, I... calm down? I am not sure what it is, and I return to my, what I hope to be, is my normal self. I am training to become more thoughtful, to be more empathic, as I said, I know there is a narcissistic side to me and with training, you can negate some of its harmful effects. Like not caring for another, but actively, almost physically trying to know what the other might feel if I were to put them through something like that.
Yet when I can be in the center... I do it.

I am not proud of this, in fact, many of the things I have done are not to be proud of. I hide them, create lies and make alibis, and yet I continue. Its gotten to a point where I hate myself so much yet I keep on smiling and acting out as if there is nothing wrong, for I can’t have any one know I am about to break.
But on the inside... it’s tearing me apart. For acting, I can do. Its the lying, I cannot.
I am in a relationship right now with a woman who deserves nothing but the best. We have our differences, but hey, that’s healthy right? That’s how you bond and work things out. And we do, we always work things out.
What she doesn’t know tho, is that I for example smoke. Some times. Just cigarettes, no drugs. I don’t like substances where I am no longer... me. If that makes sense.
Yet she is against it, full heartedly. And I know this. And yet I lie, in her face that I don’t do it for the cigarette makes me feel good. Me.
Bad habit? Addiction? Perhaps.
I betray my co-workers without them knowing its me, obviously, so I can become better at work, get better hours, make more money. All me.
I honestly try not to be manipulative yet I know I do basically all the time, towards anyone. Tone of words, perfect word fit in the perfect sentence at the perfect time.
There are more, but these are the ones that stand out, the last being the worst of all.
The worst one, the most despicable of all; I cheated on her, not with another woman, but with men. For in my mind I created the illusion, the lie, that, since I truly (I do) love her, doing something like this is not bad. Cause I will not leave her for a man.
They make me feel good, they compliment me, something she never does. Does that make it okay? No, no it doesn’t. I know.


And I can’t deal with it anymore. I am afraid of myself. I don’t know what or who I am. Yet I do know that I revel in myself whenever I am in the attention. That’s when I feel good. But when it goes away, I start searching for it. And throughout the years it’s gotten worse. Just when I thought I was doing better by acknowledging that I am a narcissistic individual, I thought by knowing, I could change. And I tried. I tried so hard yet nothing seems to work.
Call it crazy, but I tried working out, vitamines, minerals, testosterone, yoga, different jobs and hobbies, relationships, even sex with both.. sexes.
Whenever I am not in the middle of attention... I start searching for it.
Whatever it is that can give it to me. I have done so much research, read so much, all these things could ‘simply’ boil down that I was pretty much neglected as a child. Could be, but what do I do now then?


Or maybe I am just bad? Evil at heart? A bastard. I don’t know, but I hope someone can give my answers to what I could do, cause I can’t control my narcissistic side anymore. Cause I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to be the things that I described I do. I just want to be... me. So I can become a good husband, one day, maybe.

If this relationship is something you truly value, as you say it is, you need to rethink your behavior. You're not treating her, or the relationship, with respect. It doesn't matter who you're cheating on her with. And if you think it's not really cheating because you're sleeping with men, then you should feel comfortable to share that with her. Unless you think she might not agree with you?

If it makes you feel better to blame your behavior on narcissism, have at it. I think it's a cop out and a way to not hold yourself accountable.