Guilt , false memories and OCD are killing me , HELP!!!!

I want to tell you that English is not my native language , so here will be be a lot of orphographical mistakes . This all began when I was 12 . I started watching for adult stuff ( if you know what I mean ) and accindentlly found child porn , there were girls of my age and lower , I knew it was bad , I was shocked , disgusted , but also liked it , I turned it off , and started praying to God ( it was before I lost my faith in God ) , and I was trying to avoid these thoughts , these fantasies , and I was pretty succesfull in that , until I found that stuff in dad's phone , my mind messed up , I hated my dad before , he was a tyrant and a psycho , but this was disgusting , I deleted that stuff from his phone , and my dad began a scandal , my mom did not know what he was talking about , but I knew . well , I was strugglig with my desires until I gave up , I was 15 years old when started watching this crap , I was watching and after that reporting about these sites to Google , hoping that they will delete this crap ( I know this sounds strange , but I was really hoping that when all those sites will be deleted , I will win my addiction to child porn ) . When I became 17 I even started downloading this stuff from Tor , watching it and deleting . I was feeling myself really bad and I stoped it when 3 weeks before my 19th birthday because I understood that if I will not it right now , I will never be able to stop it . After i stoped it ,I started to feel guilt ( because I was watching this crap 4 goddamned years ) and happiness ( because I could stop it . But than false memories came to me . When I was 17 or 18 ( I don't remember , I swear ) I found life streeaming in Tor of teen girls or maybe children ( oh , don't worry , it was not CP stuff , they all were dressed ) . The problem is that before my false memories came to me , I was thinking that I turned it off , but when my false memories came I started asking myself what if I wrote to one of those girls something dirty like "put off your clothes" or something like that , and this is totally driving me mad , I don't know what to do . Please , help me , I am going mad , I won my CP addiction , my pedophilia , I don't feel attraction to children , but this thought "what if I writed to that girl something dirty" is driving me mad , I know that I dids not do that , but what if before I turned that site off I wrote something to her ? If this is true , I swear that I will cut off my testicles and than slash my throat .

This has a hint of Ocd (obsessive compulsive disorder) in it to me. The fact that you know you didnt do something yet your brain says you did. Also are you sure you are a pedophile? What have you done specifically that makes you think that? I mean besides the porn? You said they were clothed right? Did it cause you anxiety? were you testing yourself for a sexual response? Are you really attracted to them? Pedophilia is a life long disorder. You dont lose the attraction. You might not do the acts but the attraction doesnt go away. Not trying to scare you just trying to understand better.

Dnester wrote:This has a hint of Ocd (obsessive compulsive disorder) in it to me. The fact that you know you didnt do something yet your brain says you did. Also are you sure you are a pedophile? What have you done specifically that makes you think that? I mean besides the porn? You said they were clothed right? Did it cause you anxiety? were you testing yourself for a sexual response? Are you really attracted to them? Pedophilia is a life long disorder. You dont lose the attraction. You might not do the acts but the attraction doesnt go away. Not trying to scare you just trying to understand better.

Yes , I am sure that I have an unhealthy attraction to children . And I also said that girls from that live stream were dressed but not the girls from the videos ( Jesus , I feel myself a scumbag when I am talking about this ). It is very hard to fight my demons inside me and these "memories" , I kinda feel that this attraction came to me because of psychological trauma , and I am sure that I can force these feelings to disappear . But all I want now is to remember did I write something to that girl before turning that site off or I did not write anything .

I think you're going to have to trust yourself that you didn't do anything. And let this go. In the end, that's what it will have to be, because you can't go back in time and get the assurance that your mind is seeking. You can only go forward, and try to not put yourself into that kind of situation again where you will doubt yourself and what you say or do.

this is taken from the holy communion order of service ...

Almighty God, our heavenly Father,
we have sinned against you
and against our neighbour
in thought and word and deed,
through negligence, through weakness,
through our own deliberate fault.

We are truly sorry,
and repent of all our sins.
For the sake of your Son Jesus Christ,
who died for us,
forgive us all that is past;
and grant that we may serve you
in newness of life
to the glory of your name.
Amen.

... the fact is that we all do this sort of stuff. we're only human. making mistakes is an intrinsic part of living. the important part is that we try to learn from our mistakes and not make them again - that is we are 'truly sorry' and 'repent'. if we can do this, we can start anew, or have 'newness of life'. and this is true whether or not we believe. personally, i do. but my understanding of god would leave most other christians quite bewildered.

Well i agree with Snaga. You are going to have to accept the fact you didnt do it or you will go crazy over it. Also I dont believe people can help being pedophiles. Its not like they say hey when I grow up i want to be a pedophile as long as your not acting your good. If you want to pm you can. I know alot about this stuff.

Dnester wrote:You are going to have to accept the fact you didnt do it or you will go crazy over it.

... people have to live with far worse things than this. my mother's GP accidentally ran over his daughter and killed her. can you imagine trying to live with that.

I'm OCD. if I let myself I will wonder if I did this, or that (like have run down someone with my car) and no amount of trying to check will satisfy it, because my brain will think of a new excuse. At some point I must say No More. And that's what you're going to have to do. It's ancient history- let it go.

Snaga wrote:I'm OCD. if I let myself I will wonder if I did this, or that (like have run down someone with my car) and no amount of trying to check will satisfy it, because my brain will think of a new excuse. At some point I must say No More. And that's what you're going to have to do. It's ancient history- let it go.

Thank you , I really appreciate that , maybe I really must learn to trust myself , but sometimes these memories seems too real . Perhaps this is a time to stop punishing muself for the things that I probably didn't do . Thank you

-- Fri Apr 27, 2018 10:13 am --

shock_the_monkey wrote:

Dnester wrote:You are going to have to accept the fact you didnt do it or you will go crazy over it.

... people have to live with far worse things than this. my mother's GP accidentally ran over his daughter and killed her. can you imagine trying to live with that.

Thank you , my friend , I appreaciate that . I am so sorry for this poor girl and her father , I cannot even imagine how it is to live with the fact that he accidentally killed his own daughter .But I don't know how to trust mysef , I have done so many stupid mistakes that I lost my own trust , I don't know how to bring it back

it seems to me that you're using this whole scenario as a stick to beat yourself with. you haven't hurt anyone. the only person that you're hurting is yourself. now, this may sound trite, however, forgive yourself. there are certain things in life that truly are unforgivable, at least to us mere mortals, however this certainly isn't one of them.

at some point we all need to draw a line under the past and move on. and, as difficult as that might sound, that's what you need to do here. it takes courage and determination to make a new life for yourself. but every day is a new beginning ... if we want it to be. and, if you really try to be the best person that you can be, every day will bring you closer to that aim.

i do happen to know a little of the esoteric arts: image/ordain/manifest. that is: hold an image of what you want your life to be in your mind, ordain that image by saying words that describe it, and by the power of your thoughts and words that image that you ordained will become manifest in your life.

the bottom line here is to have a purpose in life and to pursue that purpose with an unwavering single-mindedness. anyone can do this. the trick is to be able to see where you want to get to without overlooking the steps that will get you there.

another little technique which, again, anyone can do is to keep a diary of the daily events in their life and use it to reflect on them and what they want to achieve and how they intend to achieve it.

in other words, you can re-build your trust in yourself but it will take time and effort. however, if you're willing to put in that time and effort, one day you'll be able to look back on the life that you had as a distant memory.