Guilt , false memories and OCD are killing me , HELP!!!!

shock_the_monkey wrote:

Dnester wrote:You are going to have to accept the fact you didnt do it or you will go crazy over it.

... people have to live with far worse things than this. my mother's GP accidentally ran over his daughter and killed her. can you imagine trying to live with that.

Hello again , pal , I came here to talk to someone , because , well , there is no one with whom I can talk about my problems . I have panic attacks , suicide thoughts and self-harm urges , again , I just cannot forget what I have done when I was 15-18 , these all memmories , they are just like whispers in a dark room , they are squeezing my neck , trying to choke me , and I am suffocating , and I don't resist , I am scared of that if I will hate myself less , then I will return to what I was doing . I am disgusted by the fact that I was enjoying the suffering of little innocent children by watching that crap , what kind of a monster am I ? I feel even worse when I remember that I sometimes watched hurtcore stuff too ( not murder stuff of course , that is horrible , I am not that sick ) , from time to time , and those images , they are in my head . sometimes when I rememember what I was watching I am just punching my goddamned face by my fists or just hitting the wall by my head , i can't look at the mirror , i am disgusted by my face . I can't even have any romantic relationships with women ( not sure that I want ) because I think that that is unfair they don't even know what I have done , and I am pretty sure that if they knew they wouldn"t even talk to me , and I don't want to have any friends because of the same goddamned reason . Sometimes I see nightmares where I am watching child porn , and then I am waking up terrified . I just can't live anymore , my life is pointless , I alread tainted every good thing I had in me . What should I do ? The fact that i won my CP addiction is not helping .

Oh gosh. Everyone makes mistakes! You stopped. Live and learn. Did you yourself create the CP? Do anything with one? Then stop holding yourself eternally responsible for looking at images. This has to end, at some point. Hurting yourself solves nothing- it makes up for nothing. Putting this behind you. Making a life for yourself. Being a good b/f to someone someday. THAT... is making up for this. Not this.

Think about posting in the Self Harm forums if you need help dealing with urges to hit yourself. Try not to, okay?

Snaga wrote:Oh gosh. Everyone makes mistakes! You stopped. Live and learn. Did you yourself create the CP? Do anything with one? Then stop holding yourself eternally responsible for looking at images. This has to end, at some point. Hurting yourself solves nothing- it makes up for nothing. Putting this behind you. Making a life for yourself. Being a good b/f to someone someday. THAT... is making up for this. Not this.

Think about posting in the Self Harm forums if you need help dealing with urges to hit yourself. Try not to, okay?

Easy to say , hard to do , but , anyway , thanks , I feel a little bit better . Don't mind if I will from time to time come to the forum and share with my thoughts ? I really feel lonely sometimes , cause , as I said , I have no any friends . P.S. Do you really think that a woman will accept me after she will find out what I have done ?

if you have nothing else in your life but to dwell on past mistakes, you shouldn't be too surprised that you feel miserable. i honestly think the only person you're harming and have ever harmed is yourself. you're locked into a cycle of negativity that's completely self-fulfilling. sometimes it's simply not possible to think yourself out of your problems. what you have to do is find something that takes you away from them. make a list of things that you enjoy and go and do them. take pleasure in living. set yourself free from the shackles that bind you to the past. forget about thinking and just do it.

shock_the_monkey wrote:if you have nothing else in your life but to dwell on past mistakes, you shouldn't be too surprised that you feel miserable. i honestly think the only person you're harming and have ever harmed is yourself. you're locked into a cycle of negativity that's completely self-fulfilling. sometimes it's simply not possible to think yourself out of your problems. what you have to do is find something that takes you away from them. make a list of things that you enjoy and go and do them. take pleasure in living. set yourself free from the shackles that bind you to the past. forget about thinking and just do it.

yeah , but I am scared to have someone in my life , I am scared of that if people will find out what I've done they will never talk to me , I am rather scared to have friends and girlfriend and then lost them , than just being alone .

MrDamaged wrote:yeah , but I am scared to have someone in my life , I am scared of that if people will find out what I've done they will never talk to me , I am rather scared to have friends and girlfriend and then lost them , than just being alone .

... we all have our crosses to bear. you don't need to make everyone in your life your confessor. please trust me on this: what you did is trivial. you have no need to feel as badly as you do over it. you're living your life in a vacuum, and thereby imagining that this is far worse than it really is. forgive yourself. let it go. choose life.

shock_the_monkey wrote:

MrDamaged wrote:yeah , but I am scared to have someone in my life , I am scared of that if people will find out what I've done they will never talk to me , I am rather scared to have friends and girlfriend and then lost them , than just being alone .

... we all have our crosses to bear. you don't need to make everyone in your life your confessor. please trust me on this: what you did is trivial. you have no need to feel as badly as you do over it. you're living your life in a vacuum, and thereby imagining that this is far worse than it really is. forgive yourself. let it go. choose life.

I don't think that that is trivial , more likely disgusting , I mean , enjoying children's sufferings is a horrible thing . Yes , maybe , if i accidentally didn't find that crap when I was 12 , maybe , if my father was not a lazy tyrant moron who was downloading that stuff ( and unlike me he wasn't deleting that , he was keeping that ) , maybe if i didn't spend my goddamnned childhood in hospitals , everything could be different , but still I was that one who 'pulled the trigger" , they "just gave me the gun " . But still I understand that I must move on , that is just very hard sometimes . Don't mind if I from time to time will come here and share with my thoughts ? I really need to talk to someone , sometimes .

That's what PF is here for...

And yes, you can't let a short slice of your life, in which you, personally, did no one any harm, define the rest of your life- except for one thing: Don't do it again. Live and learn, put it down to a learning experience about yourself and what kind of person you prefer to be, and let this thing go, hon.

Snaga wrote:That's what PF is here for...

And yes, you can't let a short slice of your life, in which you, personally, did no one any harm, define the rest of your life- except for one thing: Don't do it again. Live and learn, put it down to a learning experience about yourself and what kind of person you prefer to be, and let this thing go, hon.

... so, that's two of us. now, we could both be wrong. but if i might be, i know that Snaga certainly isn't!

Snaga wrote:That's what PF is here for...

And yes, you can't let a short slice of your life, in which you, personally, did no one any harm, define the rest of your life- except for one thing: Don't do it again. Live and learn, put it down to a learning experience about yourself and what kind of person you prefer to be, and let this thing go, hon.

I'll try , and I also must to thank you , guys , you literally saved my life , thank you for everything P.S. What does PF means ? English is not my native languge