Repeated Sex act in train. Was about to be beaten up

thanks snaga for deactivating that account.
it's me tiredofmyself.

i am speaking with my other friends. they are telling me to forget it and let it go. i cant forgive myself for what i did to myself. it's like i was assaulting him.

tiredofmyself wrote:In trains there are hook up acts.

Well from his point of view, maybe- we know it was more like a matter of choosing the wrong person, though.

Not that you shouldn't feel some of these things. I would be- heck I would be even if it were consensual every time. Shame/remorse/etc. It's a wonder I've never gone cruising back in the day. But beating yourself up only serve so much purpose, and can't undo anything. I just keep thinking in my own life, how sexual habits can be so hard to stop altogether, and if there's somewhere safer, like an adult theater, anything other than a train. ofc it'd be better to not do it at all, or actually meet guys socially, or something. But I know a lot of guys do get kinda hooked on the excitement of this kind of thing. I have a friend online who was caught up in this kind of thing- well more than handjobs, but still- for some time. The only thing that kept me from ever doing anything like this is probably just plain cautiousness.

I wish I had been cautious. I can't live with the Shame. Its eating me inside.

-- Sun Apr 01, 2018 6:49 am --

if the memory is something i'll have to live with forever, i just want this life to end. i'm not suicidal but i've lost all will to live.

The way I live with regret and shame is to try and be a better person for it. That's all any of us can do. I'm hoping you can find peace and happiness beyond this feeling of shame, and put it behind you.

Yeah... I mean no one can really go back in time n undo stuff. I wish I could say sorry to that person somehow. Maybe say sorry to myself as well.

-- Sun Apr 01, 2018 3:03 pm --

keep on thinking of the what-ifs and if-only.

What-ifs will eat you up, if you let them

I fel very ashamed and Don't know how to forgive myself. Keep on thinking of time before this incident.

I understand, i have a very hard time forgiving myself. And i feel as if everything is usually my responsibility. Yet if i am to live with myself, i must at least come to some sort of peace with it. I pray. I try to be a better person, next time i am the situation that has caused me anguish. I remind myself of my responsibilities to those that depend upon me. That's all i know how to do.

That guy was just watching video on his mobile when I walked up to him and pressed my hand to his dick. What I did was horrifying. i was like working on autopilot or something.
my earlier childhood abuse is no excuse though. i cant kill someone and blame it on my past.

rather than excuse, maybe explanation?

And if you've been used to making a scene that takes place on trains.. you just picked the wrong guy. Thus me wondering if there's a more consistent scene that could take the place of trains, if you find yourself compelled to to this beyond your current ability to resist. To paraphrase CS Lewis, sexual hangups are really hard to just up and quit.

I've never done anything like that because my nature kinda isn't wired for that (risk-averse & I do believe that's the main reason I haven't gone somewhere, to get with random dudes, back in the day). I... I think it's unwise behaviour? But unless you plainly state you were purposely perving unsuspecting dudes that wouldn't enjoy it, then I don't see you as a terrible person, sorry. I just think please please please find some other scene that's not so hit-and-miss, and don't be so hard on yourself just try really hard to control that urge to get on the train and do that- failing that, at least find somewhere more likely to result in a happy ending.