Repeated Sex act in train. Was about to be beaten up

Hi,

I used to post here about my childhood where my cousin(also a child) would touch me inappropriately. i'm 28 now. most of my adolescence was full of porn addiction. in my early 20s i'd go in train n have hand jobs with fellow passengers. a few times it was mutual. a few times i was about to be beaten up. i also did this with a few cab drivers.

i stopped going by train because of this reason.

yesterday i had to go by train n ended up repeating the act. i tried to give a guy a handjob. he turned out to be straight, called me a #######1 n threatened to beat the $#%^ out of me. everyone in train realized what i was doing.

i feel ashamed. just filthy n miserable. like if i'm gay i should go date someone, n not harrass others. i just feel dirty at what i did. n the word '#######1' n the man's threat of beating the $#%^ out of me. these words are running at the back of my mind. i feel so ashamed at what i did. i'm 28 now and not a child.

Oh dear me.

I can see why you're torn up about this.

If you're going to engage in this sort of behaviour (anonymous sexual contact) then surely you can find some places to go to, where this kind of thing is expected. Places where men hang out for that purpose. I know there are listings of cruising spots, bathhouses, etc. Places where it's expected and mutual.

Note that I'm not advocating you do that- better not to do any of it! But surely better than approaching random men on a train and risking assault or arrest on sexual assault charges, don't you think?

If you can't do something like ride a train to somewhere you have to be, without engaging in this behaviour, I'd strongly suggest trying to get with a counselor or therapist.

Remorse and beating yourself up emotionally over this, is not the answer, it seems to me. Just getting help, to get the tools to either curb this urge to hook up randomly, or, at least, channel it away from places where it's very iffy, like trains, and take it to places gay/bi men are known to go for hookups.

Since you seem to enjoy mutual masturbation, have you looked into J/O clubs? I know at least one person that attends one of those when he gets the chance.

The point is, that instead of what you're doing, if you cannot stop, or feel driven, to have this kind of contact with other men, you can at least try to channel it into paths that are less risky, and where both parties are consenting.

No, it may not reduce the anger and shame that you personally feel at yourself, but at least you won't have the remorse of knowing you've done inappropriate things that were not welcome to the other person.

In trains there are hook up acts. I just hate what happened n hate my cousin for molesting me when I was a kid. I wish it all had never happened.

I know what you mean.

I was repeatedly fondled... maybe more, but that's what I definitely remember- as a teenager, by an older man. And I'm angered by the fact I'll never completely know how much of my sexuality is because of that, or not.

Also, I both hate and resent him and what he did, yet wish more had happened, at the same time. These kinds of things can set up a lot of conflict, for sure.

Yes. I feel ashamed at the fact that happened in train n so much dirt I feel. Like I asked for it n I feel terrible. Self hate. I'm in my late 20s. Not a teen anymore.

-- Fri Mar 30, 2018 5:44 pm --

My soul is bleeding. I just want to die. I can't live with this memory.

Yes, you can. You have so far, haven't you?

If this is the worst thing you've ever done in your life,i think you're doing pretty good. Beating yourself up over it doesn't help. Trying to change is what matters.

What you said about being gay, how do you feel about that? Would you think about being with a guy?

i wish i were straight but being gay would be difficult. it's ok. but what i did with that guy in train was assault him. i feel like a pervert. like i read stories of women being sexually assaulted n for me to grope a guy's crotch like that.. i feel ashamed at what i did.

Well, I understand. I never asked to be Bi.

All I can say is try to go only places where it's not hit or miss, if you can't shake the habit...

Thanks for the reply. Your very kind. I don't know how to forgive myself. The man's rage n words run in my mind all the time.

The shame is immense.