Really struggling to move on from dark past.

Hi,

Over the past year I have been struggling with my past a great deal. I grew up in a fractured household my escape became things of sexual nature.
Over the years I had done things that has brought me enormous feelings of shame and remorse, I've never hurt anyone directly but in the past I had done stuff I'm not proud of. I don't want to go into specifics here as it is not why I am here asking for help, these issues are past me, have been for many years.

Last year all the memories of my past misdeeds came flooding back, hitting be like a train of guilt, sorrow and remorse. I knew that I needed to do something about it and very quickly found a therapist. Over time I have grown determined to grow as a person and make up for my past misdeeds.
I am happy to say I have become a totally new person, I am much more compassionate, I frequently help others who have had a similar issue to me and donate probably more than I can afford to well deserving charities.

All of these has helped me become a much kinder, less judgemental person. And I know in my heart I will never be the person I was again. But there are still a few feeling I can't shake.

Unfortunately the nature of my past is not something I am willing to openly talk about with my peers, especially having changed so much, I want them to know and love me for who I am, not who I was.
I have been in therapy and feel that I've got the most I can from it for now.

My past misdeeds were never found out and by that I in no way mean to gloat, I am grateful for the chance to become the best person I can be, I know others do not get that chance so I do not take mine lightly.
I also know that my past is not going to effect my future or present (other than the painfully memories).

I know logically I should move on, I know that I have outweighd the bad thing I have done with good, I know there are many who would forgive me and many who would not. But I seem to be stuck at what I feel is a point toward the end of this journey, is there ever piece? Or is this constant dull ache my existence now?



I have lurked around here for a while, I've read many stories and helpful posts that have helped me greatly along the way. The greatest words I feel came from Epiphany55, his advice to, drop the story, accept the past and the idea that remorse is a finite fuel really kept me going through out the months and I am in a much better place than I was because of them.

However there are still a few big worries that linger on me, like
if/when I find a partner is it the right thing to tell her about my past? Or is telling her a selfish action, only to attempt to ease my own guilt? Would not disclosing a past that is not relevent now or in the future be dishonesty or is it being protective of her feelings, so that she does not go through the same anguish I have.

Also my therapist has advised that I stop directly helping for a while as they believe that doing so is keeping these very painful memories in the front of my mind, they advise to take a break for a while and let my mind move on and compartmentalize and then, if I choose to, come back. I feel however that would be a "getting away with it" thing to do. I do wish to take a break or stop, the constant reminders bash my mind into relapsing into old, self hating habits but feel I'm not allowed to, that I must continue this for my redemption or I'll be no better than I was before.

True, but if you burn yourself out you won't be able to help anyone effectively, man

I dont know whether you should tell your partner about this or not. On one side confessing may reduce your pain, but it may also make the other person go through some anguish.

sorry for not having a simple reply. even i've done many horrible stuff in life and am struggling to accept them.

Thanks for sharing.... We all have past that seems difficult to shake off even though we tried. But the truth is, the past is what make you who you are now. Without your past, you might not be able to empathise with people who are going through the same thing that you have gone through. Your therapist is also right about taking a break from your helping assignment. You cannot pour out from an empty bottle. Take a break, recharge yourself and then decide how you want to start again. Most importantly, I think you need to forgive your younger self for making those choices. Don’t carry that burden anymore. Past has nothing new to say to you, leave them where they are. Keeping you in my prayer. God bless!