MEDITATION REVEALED CHILDHOOD GUILT

Hi everyone. This is my first post on this forum.
I am a male in his 20's and have been interested in spiritual practices lately. Thus have been into the meditation sessions too. Last year, right before the Easter of 2017. while meditating I came across a vision of me helping orphan kids. I don't know why.

But what is interesting and what has been causing me some mental disscomfort is the fact that seconds after that, to me came what I later have deffined as a "lost memory" of myself as a child doing some wrongful deeds.

These memories have since than caused a lot of pain and anxiety in everyday life. Now it is much better because in the clarity of my mind I know that I am a really nice person who overreacts everything, can forgive everyone, but not myself, for every small thing I do or have done.

So what I am about to tell you is the most bad thing that I have done in my life.
I got into watching porn way early. Hidding from my parents I would watch it since the age of 11. But where the problem lays is the fact that at the age of 11-12 I have dry humped with my female cousin who was at the time 6-7 years old, while playing in a pool with my sister, and other cousins. We were all fully clothed, and it lasted for like 10 seconds, happened once only. Nobody, even her didn't notice it, neither was I planning to do. I think that while I was holding her, she accidently has rubbed against my private area, which has automatically triggered a pleasurable feeling. At that moment I knew that it felt good but wasn't right, so I moved from her afterwards, and have continued with the play normally, and have forgotten about it.

Other incident has happened at the age of 13, where I was playing again with that same cousin, and while playing tickling game, I have tickled her in her private area (fully clothed both). It lasted a second, was over her clothes, and she smiled and said: no here hahahahah, it tickles. As she said that, I felt immediately ashamed and said: sorry I won't do it ever. And so it stayed. We continued with the play normally.

My cousin is now in her teens, and we have a great relationship, even if I try to talk to her, she would not know what am I talking about. Because it ever only happened twice during childhood, was never planned, was never beneath her or mine clothes, lasted short. Like 10-15 sec first situation, and 1-5 sec last one.

My life is going great, I have never had a desire in kids, never watched kids porn. Have had and still am in a healthy relationship with my college girl. Really, I am living a life dream, but this is still something that comes now and there. It would never come if there was not that session of meditation. I am now grateful that it did. I think that since than I have learned soooo much more about the humans, psychology and spiritual practices too. Although I have been through hell of a remorse to the point where I have not had a desire in sex anymore.

What are your thoughts about it? Have you done something like that?

Thank you for your time!

Cheers to all you beautiful souls,
Starboy14

My thoughts are that this was childhood impulsiveness - thoughtless at worst and imho highly unlikely to have traumatised your cousin. Yes, it was inappropriate, but childhood/young teen do strange and often stupid things. You should try to speak yourself with the same compassion you would speak to any other child. I'm sure with your loving meditation you will be able to do this! Good luck to you

Dear Sprock, Thank you sooo much for your honest replay! In my vision I saw your replay yesterday and checked my account right now just to see if there is anything. Thank you so much! Every word you said is true and will try to do so as you said!

That's great! Thanks for the reply

I totally agree with sprock.

Dear Dnester, thank you very much. Both of you have helped me to find peace and happiness again.