OCD Sexual Assault

I've wrote this elsewhere.

How do I become at peace with a previous incident in life?

I sometimes have trouble thinking about a previous sexual encounter from a while back.

Basically I was drunk and went round a woman's house. I was wasted, she wasn't. Didn't even have full sexual intercourse. Some oral the morning after when I was sober but that was it.

I think about it every now and then and think I raped her when I was drunk. I even messaged said woman and she said "don't be daft."

My mind is telling me though that she is covering for me because she said "we didn't even make out". And if "if you did anything I wouldn't be chatting with you right now."

But we did, we tried to sleep together but I was so drunk I couldn't even manage to get inside her. I do remember that.

Why would she say we "we didn't even make out"?

She is married now, lives in New York. I can't really ask her again. We did speak for a while afterwards, she kept in touch with me when I was going through a bad time. She even sent me a message on New Year wishing me a happy new year lol. I've even talked to my therapist about this and she said don't worry about it.

But this is still hurting me. How can I move forward and accept nothing wrong happened?

I have nothing but self hatred and anger towards everything now. I deserve to be jailed but I can't do anything about it. I want to suffer, I deserve to suffer.

I think meditation will help with time. The fact of the matter is that raising this with her would cause her more harm than good and would effectively be done in a bid to alleviate your own suffering. There is a middle path. You can accept you did something wrong while also not seeing yourself as a monster. Try, if you can, to be thankful that you were unable to commit a worse assault and try to accept that she is okay and that is what matters as long as you never repeat this behaviour, which I do not believe you will.

Bit of a weird one as like I said we were fine the morning after. She even give me oral but I still think I’m a rapist of some sort.

I’m ready to end my life over this.

She will be fine but I don’t know if I will be. Or deserve to be.

Please do not kill yourself, as I am sure it would not only harm yourself but others who know you - including, perhaps, this woman. I can identify with a memory of a confusing drunken sexual encounter where I am not sure exactly what happened but have a vague sense I was pushing a boundary or crossing a line even though the girl herself did not seem to feel that way (look through my message history to see what I am talking about), but at the end of the day you have to respect her narrative, which is that you did not do anything wrong. Instead of thinking about what you feel you "deserve", think about what - rationally - is going to help you accomplish the most possible good you can in the world. Physically harming or mentally torturing yourself will not help anybody. Recognize that only by gaining a sense of peace with yourself and not preoccupying with the past, can you truly unleash your potential to help others, play a more positive role in society, and have stronger relationships going forward.

Good answer, daniel Thanks for that

danielk58 wrote:Please do not kill yourself, as I am sure it would not only harm yourself but others who know you - including, perhaps, this woman. I can identify with a memory of a confusing drunken sexual encounter where I am not sure exactly what happened but have a vague sense I was pushing a boundary or crossing a line even though the girl herself did not seem to feel that way (look through my message history to see what I am talking about), but at the end of the day you have to respect her narrative, which is that you did not do anything wrong. Instead of thinking about what you feel you "deserve", think about what - rationally - is going to help you accomplish the most possible good you can in the world. Physically harming or mentally torturing yourself will not help anybody. Recognize that only by gaining a sense of peace with yourself and not preoccupying with the past, can you truly unleash your potential to help others, play a more positive role in society, and have stronger relationships going forward.

The only saving is she gave me oral the morning after when I was sober. So that surely gives an indication that I didn't force anything?

How can I forgive myself and do the most possible good in the world like you said?