I feel horrible please help

I'm currently a teenager this all happened when I was 12 or younger so heres what happened there were 3 occasions the first one was when I was 12 my 3 year old brother liked to run around the house naked I was a curious kid, So one night he came into my room, Naked. I wasn't thinking I wanted to know what it would feel like to touch my penis to someone else besides me. So I took the tip of my penis and rubbed it on his buttcheek, I stopped after 20 seconds because I was dumbfounded at what I just did
I hadn't felt remorse at that moment I just felt silly, Anyways he went in there and told mom, She got onto me, But I never got in any real trouble, Now I'm a teenager and I cant get my mind off of this ive even thought of suicide its getting worse I cant go anywhere even to school without crying or getting so overwhelmed I cry, I feel horrible about everything. Theres more so when I was 8 I touched my sisters but when she was sleeping, As I had seen people on tv do so I understood she was my sister but I wanted to try it myself, I never made any skin contact she had her clothes on I just touched her butt for a good 10 seconds, Third Event was when I was 11 my sister fell asleep and I was curious about what the people at school were talking about and stuff, I knew what it was I just wanted to try it please don't answer based on my age, I knew better I just wanted to try it out and see what would happen it was new feelings, So while she was asleep I rubbed my penis on time on her cheek, Then I stopped, That's all I feel absolutely horrible about all this I'm currently out of school for my anxiety and depression, And for suicidal thoughts, All this started when my mom and dad broke up, I felt lost. I feel horrible can someone please enlighten me? I cant go anywhere without crying, I go to the grocery store I cry because I feel overwhelmed this is same for all cases I cant even go to my house because I haven't told my mom the whole story she only knows about my brother and when I touched my sisters butt. But ive told my grandma everything I don't like to keep secrets but sometimes I have to I don't know how my mom would take it I don't want to tell her I'm also scared my brother will remember he was 3, Please help me I'm considering suicide, Cant talk to a therapist.

You ask not to reply based on your age.. but your age has everything to do with it. Kids do crazy stuff, even when they know it's not right. It's not, I think, just a matter of whether you knew what you were doing wasn't quite right- as a kid you're still maturing and learning about controlling impulses.

You're not the same person you were then, already. Many of us have done dodgy things as kids, that we wouldn't do when we're older. I think the best thing you could do for yourself, is just use this to be a better person- no real harm to anyone was done, you stopped before you did anything really bad. Please try not to be so hard on yourself- you know better, you know you're not ever going to do things like that again.

I want more opinions on this..

SpReN,

I agree with Snaga, you didn't do anything that would have been considered harm to another child. Many youngsters go thru experimental phases of exploration with their bodies, borne out of a normal curiosity about their world. You're not the only kid who's done things that on later reflection was impulsive-- it takes time to learn self-control which is something you acquire as you mature. You're older now and know better to control such impulsive behavior, so please don't worry so much over what you did then.

I agree with previous comments. I think that the deeds itself are not done with harm to any of your cases. You must know that our bodies work out of chemistry that are made inside the brain. Now your brain is making that same feelings because it has become an addiction for your body which is dependant on the same chemistry that come from OCD thoughts. You should try to meditate, try to watch Joe Dispenza work. Search it on the internet. You must know that on every situation, different person would react differently. All of us have something that we would rather like to forget. But be brave and say to your mind not to play that feelings on you. Your mind can be traind just like the body. Keep in mind that you are on a good way. You have told your grandmother and annonymous people on this forum.if you did anything bad, do you think that you would have write it?

Don't worry. Enjoy the life