A question from an abuser's perspective

Me and my ex were leaving an auditorium. There were winding stairs leading down from the auditorium. She jumped down between passing people ahead of me, and I walked with the crowd down. She bragged that she was smarter than everyone else, and I argued that she just has a puffed up ego. (regrettably I wish I had just acknowledged that she was clever, and moved on with the day). She insisted that I was gas lighting her, and that I have the puffed up ego, and that I just can't accept that someone might be smarter than me. I opened the door for her into my car, and we started driving to my house to watch a movie, have a drink and sleep. unfortunately we both argued while I was driving. I felt like she wasn't listening, we were talking over each other, and I grabbed her arm, and in the moment I did it to try to get her attention, to let me finish a sentence, she got super mad at me, and told me this was physical abuse. She told me I hurt her. And she declared our relationship to be over. I stopped the car, walked out, (with her still in the car) and had a meltdown. I walked back to the car and continued to head home. We sat silently next to each other, she refused to let me have any physical contact (I understand her reasons). At some point during this she broke the silence, and told me: 'every time we hang out you always ruin it' This set me off. I called her names: worthless, waste of time, bottom of the barrel, and that this is a rebound relationship(She got out of a 3 year marriage with an abuser immediately prior to us dating. ), rubbish, garbage, not worth it, find someone better at the homeless shelter. She told me that she was going to block my number.

I currently go to anger management out of choice not ordered. I have been going to them for about a month, because I recognized that my anger is an ongoing problem, that is taking its toll. Before I cut her off for good, I told her that I would tell her the counselor's feedback on this. We broke up on January 20th at about 10 pm. I believe that we both are not ready for a regular relationship right now. she loved me at one point. I still love her. I am riddled with guilt. My question is: if I spend the next few of months single, learning and practicing how to handle and manage my anger, and respect women's boundaries better. is it possible she might let me try again with her? Or if she sees me as an abuser, is this most likely forever?

Seems like you said that neither of you is ready. I figure it's ok to apologize, but unless she works out her stuff she's likely only going to try to push your buttons with her immaturity. She seems like a ticking time bomb as the type who when she doesn't get her way will claim you did something you didn't do to drag your name through the mud. My perspective is she isn't worth it. I say that not about the arm grabbing, but the stairs comment. If she claims you're gas lighting over saying she's silly more than clever...that's pretty extreme in itself. Not saying you had a right to act the way you did, but I wouldn't go back.

I think you crossed a serious line grabbing her arm which a different couple at a different time might be able to work through - but sadly in this situation she is a long-term abuse survivor and you have anger issues. It sucks if there was also love, but sometimes relationships are like that - you can see the potential beauty, but it ends up blocked, communication breaks down, or maybe, yes, one person falls into acting abusively even though part of their brain is telling them not to. At the end of the day, she has blocked your number and walked away. I cannot say for certain but from what you have written I get the impression she simply would never 100% trust/ feel comfortable with you again. Take some time out for yourself - going for walks, playing games, reading etc. I reckon time will help in some measure

EDIT: Just an edit to note that I also identify as an abuser and am committedly single/ celibate. That's not to say that I believe all people who have acted abusively as detailed need to never date again, but that they need to be confident that they have resolved any issues which might have contributed to their abusive behaviour (as you are doing with your anger management) and become self-aware enough to make a realistic assessment about this. I do not personally feel from your description that you were committing gas-lighting (though survivors of this may disagree and be able to correct me!) but it is clear that when you became physically aggressive the issue of whether you were gaslighting or not receded into unimportance.