Feeling guilt! Did I do something terrible?

Following the case of Louis C.K. I have a sense of guilt that is killing me.

This happened about 9 years ago. In times when MSN Messenger was still used, I used to chat with a girl I met by chance years before. She and I were 22 years old when the following happened:
One night we were chatting, I do not know if I was drunk or horny, but it occurred to me to show my genitals to that girl. I asked her if she wanted to see me, and I sent her the request for the video call.
Honestly I do not remember if she said "yes, I want" or "no, I do not want to," but she accepted the video call, and she saw me for a few minutes while I masturbated.
I remember that after a while in the conversation she told me that she was disgusted and made negative comments about my penis.
I felt very embarrassed, and I deleted it from my contacts.

It was the only time in my life that I had an episode like that. In fact, since then my life has been oriented towards feminism in a passionate way. (And I think maybe that's also why I develop this guilt.)

This year I happened to see that girl on Facebook and I blocked her. She has a friend in common, not very close, and that made me get paranoid about it.

I do not know if I should keep hiding from her, or if I should confront her and ask her forgiveness.
I do not even know if this is as important to her as it is to me.

Sometimes I fear that she denounces me publicly and that this affects my love and work life.

Thank you very much for reading!

Personally I think in this case it might be appropriate to send her a delicately-worded message of apology. If not, I at least think you should unblock her, as I think hiding from her/ acting defensively is only liable to make any existing tensions worst, or - even she feels you do have something to be accountable for - suggest that you are not willing to be accountable.

As for whether you did something terrible - personally I don't think it sounds terrible; skeevy and gross, perhaps and definitely inappropriate. However, it's hard to assess without knowing if she said "yes" or "no" (or whatever phrasing) or nothing at all.

Something to feel regretful about/ reflect upon, but not tortured by guilt in my personal opinion.

Thanks Sprock for your response!

I do believe that sending her an apology would be the best thing to do. The problem is that I really don't know how would she react and I fear that this could affect my personal life after that. I don't want to lose the love of my life, my friends, my job.

As for the consent, in that moment, years ago, I really thought that she accepting the video call knowing what she would see was consent enough.
After I realised she verbally seemed not to like it I turned off the connection and we've never talked again. All this years I thought (and I still do, but with remorse) that she was being curious.

I don't know what to do. This is driving me very sad like there is no way out.

Boronio55 wrote:I do believe that sending her an apology would be the best thing to do. The problem is that I really don't know how would she react and I fear that this could affect my personal life after that. I don't want to lose the love of my life, my friends, my job.

I think you are catastrophising and that this wouldn't happen

Being accountable is about willing to take some risks to your own stature and life - but, to be honest, since what you did was, at worst, gross/ inappropriate, not monstrous, I think the risks are fairly minimal. If you believe it would be the best thing to do and wouldn't upset/ hurt her, then it doesn't seem like a bad idea to me. Though it'd be great if others could also share their thoughts.

Boronio55 wrote:As for the consent, in that moment, years ago, I really thought that she accepting the video call knowing what she would see was consent enough.

You mean that see accepted the video call knowing what she would see?
Then she felt uncomfortable and told it?
So ... What?
I don't understand the reason of your guilt. I understand that you feel uncomfortable because things didn't go the way you expected.
Maybe she thinks that you are angry because she made inappropriate comment.

If you are afraid of things be known, it seems to me that the best is to do nothing. Chances are high that nothing will happen.