Childhood experimentation, or am I an abuser?

When I was 9-10, my half brother was 3-4. One day when round their house he put his hand up my top and left it there. I was a chubby girl and had fatty deposits where my breasts were going to be. I didn't stop him because it felt nice. He'd just give me a 'special cuddle' as he called it. I never, ever, ever touched him, and it didn't go on long. But I remember we had it from our parents. Sometimes he would come into my room and just start. I would tell him to stop. Once he said if I didn't let him he'd tell his mum I was making him do it. I knew it was wrong and I know his mum asked him what 'special cuddling' was and he told her at the time it was normal cuddles.

I do not remember that I coerced him but didn't stop it and liked it, even. I started masturbating when I was 3 because it felt nice but didn't understand what it was. I remember my mother being embarrassed but not clarifying anything to me or setting boundaries. I used to experiment with a girl from school at the same time (when I was 8-9 I mean) when I went round her house to play, and she would encourage her younger brother to kiss my breasts then. Looking back I feel utterly disgusted and worry that I ruined my brother's life. We don't get along, and my anxiety makes me feel like it could be because of this. I live in fear that if this ever came out it would be my fault because of the age difference. He never touched or looked at my gentials, or I at his. I never touched him at all, just let him touch me and sometimes gave him permission to or asked for it. When I was 14 he came up to me and said 'i remember when you used to let me do anything I wanted to you' and licked my face and it made me physically sick. I'm so distrubed by these memories and it makes me want to hurt myself. I don't know how normal this is.

It sounds like your brother may have been abused himself - such acting out at the age of 3/4 in the way you describe raises some questions. Other people might disagree, but it me it sounds like you were far more acted upon than acting and I can understand why at 9/10 you may not have had the moral sense to teach your brother otherwise. There was a large age gap, but you were below the age of criminal responsibility in a lot of places and certainly not of an age when you would have recognised any of this as constituting "violence" or "abuse". I'm trying to tread lightly as I recognise they may be varied opinions on your post, but at the very least please try to talk to yourself as you would any other child of that age. You were very young and clearly not acting with any malevolence or intention to exploit. No, intent is not magic, but it does make a difference, especially when we are talking about the actions of young children.

Oh my God. It never even occurred to me that someone could have initiated something like that with him prior to what happened between us. He's a perfectly normal and well adjusted adult, but he doesn't like me at all and I panic that this could be why, because I remember it more so than he possibly could. I hope that that's not the case. A part of me wants to bring it up with him to apologise but I also don't want to do that, in case that resurfaces things he's forgotten.