I abused my little brother. This kills me!

*a little bit long but please continue reading, I need your crucious help


I am 29 years old female. I did not realize what I did in the past till I saw my brother's (20 now) antisocial, anxious behaviour. 17 years ago, when I was around 12.5 and 13, our mom usually left us alone at home. My brother was just 3.5 and 4 and so innocent. We always see our mum and dad fighting and especially dad did not use to like me a lot. He is my dad-in-step and my brother is also stepbrother. Also, we fought with dad too much so brother saw our fights much when little.
And also I remember that I saw them naked in their bedroom having sex. I was just looking from the door key hole they realized me and opened the door and just shouted at me and said 'O you saw us. Why' I was so afraid and told them lie that I did not see them. Anyway, when I was 11 years old at 5th grade we were living in another city, I was happy at the school and have lots of friends. However, many of them seem pervert (I understand it now) When they came our home, they made my barbies naked and rub over my teddy bear and told me about some details about sex. Especially, I could not understand them. My mom never taugth me something or told me. Dad and mum always believe I was a good girl by myself but did not ask about my friends or told me antthing. So after a year we mowed our house to another city. At 6th grade, I was alone at school and home. No friends. Only my brother. I dont know why but I remember 3 or 4times I rub over himself while his bottom his naked. I made him kiss my cock and touch it and also he made massage to my breast. And we kissed 2 3 times. I am so painful and remorseful. Dont know what to do now. Because after a year later, I taught he all forgot it. He did not told to parenta. Only once he tried to tell dad after being hurt during rubbing but I remember telling him please don tell I necer do again. So Iall forgot it. We were all together for years in same home in same bedrooms and bed. We are like close friends. He never mentioned about these. So I taught he did not effected by these so did not tell anyone about these. Also we went to some pyschologist 2 times he also did not understand about these sexual things. So years passed like this. When he became 18, he moved many school and does not have constant friends.(because dad and mom tried to divorce and dad took brother with hisself for years and he was with dad beteeen 15-19 and dads friends. Dad is always fighting with brothers and tells bad things to him and make him angry. Brother started university last year he went one year and he did not get well with friends so he left the university. He said they kicked him seriously and had trauma. He is now living with my mom. All time he is at home, had no social contact social media no friends. He went to cinema alone, restaurants alone, etc. I am so afraid because all this things are due to his childhood.
Can you please help me what should I do know? I love my brother and within the years I always tried to make him good and helped him but I only forgot this deathful abuse:(
I

-- Sat Nov 18, 2017 10:18 am --

Can please someone say something?

Apologies for the late reply. I have had the norovirus so am a little behind.

I think you should be kinder to yourself. You were a young child and you were confused and without guidance. You were not acting malevolently. However, the age gap between you and your brother is relatively large. What you did was inappropriate/ wrong, but you should talk to yourself about it as you would as 13-year-old kid, not as an adult woman. Because you **did not commit these acts as an adult woman** -

All I can advice is that you look out for your brother. Maybe this is a topic which you two can talk about in the future. I think it is up to you to be careful that the time would be right to discuss it.

Do you go to any community groups? You seem like a person who benefits from having rules to follow and a sense of structure and progress. Church/ meditation centres/ mosques etc. are not for everyone, but a collective spiritual environment, for instance, might be something that would benefit you.

Hi Sprock,
Thank you very much for your return. All the thinga you said were totally true. However, there is one thing. I want to be informed about what I can do for my brother. Because, till this month I was totally forget this previous issues as I mentioned. I have good life friends community religion etc. The bad thing is his situation. I am sure he never remembers them but I am afraid his situation is according to these childhood acts I heard about EMDR but when he got that therapy he will remember all those. So are there any other methods to solve this traume without memorizing. Because when he remember all trust relation etc btw us will be destroy. Maybe hypnose or smth?

I don't know if it is best for you to hold out that he won't ever remember - though I really do understand your fear and concern, it is not so good/ healthy to set yourself against the truth, perhaps. Of course, there are many different modes of therapy that would in different ways. C.B.T. for instance is more focused on developing healthy coping strategies, whereas hypnotism works more directly upon the unconscious mind.