I am so remorseful, I have molested my cousin when I was 14.

Hello there.

Lately, I've been really remorseful about what I did when I was 14 years old. I'm currently 16 and I've done it once and I will never do it again, ever. If I did, I promised myself that I would commit suicide.

So what happened is that my younger cousin (not really my cousin, she's my aunt technically because she's the daughter of my grandpa's younger brother) but she was around 7-8'ish when it happened. I'm not blaming her, but when we were upstairs she was kind of trying to lead me to something. I never really sexually looked at her, but being a horny virgin I was led on, but like I said, it was my mistake and it was an effed up decision. I can't exactly remember how the scene happened, all I could remember was she was smiling at me when I touched her private part (with clothes on). I also lifted her shorts up to see her private part but immediately backed off when she said "stop" - but her smile never went away and she was kind of into it? Anyway afterwards I didn't really feel any kind of remorse. I was also addicted to porn and almost masturbated everyday. Until lately, I was bombarded with guilt when I remembered this happened. I was and am so guilty and ashamed of this and I wish it never happened, and knowing that I wasn't abused sexually when I was younger I think the very core of myself is a horny, faulty person. I always say to myself it will never, ever happen again. I couldn't believe what I did because she was family. During my grandpa's funeral she wasn't so weird though, and she acted the same towards me, the luring type of attitude but I ignored her, but not completely, I still spoke with her and had laughs, even exchanged playful words with each other as if nothing happened. But what fears me ultimately is that I might grow up as a rapist or a molester, and I never ever want to be one. When I kind of "matured" I've never, ever had been aroused by younger children and even to the point of being disgusted by it.

What I want to do since I'm going back to the city where she stays in for the family reunion is that I'm going to apologize and let her know that it was a bad thing and that she should never do the same thing that I did to anyone because I felt like I took advantage of her - but I'm afraid that she probably have forgotten it already and I might accidentally trigger memories on her, I don't know.. please help me. Should I talk to her about it?

One thing that also fears me is that she might tell her parents about it, and their parents are very "loving" to me and I'm afraid I'm going to be sent away and possibly beaten up, his dad is really huge, and our family is also huge I'm afraid everyone in the family will throw me away and ultimately I won't have anywhere to go to - if that happens my next option is to just tell myself to suck it up and deal with it, because I deserved it..

I am glad you are in the process of reflecting upon this and working through feelings of regret and remorse. I am concerned by what you said here however:

she was around 7-8'ish when it happened. I'm not blaming her, but when we were upstairs she was kind of trying to lead me to something. I never really sexually looked at her, but being a horny virgin I was led on

I know you say you aren't blaming her, but I think you are on some level. A 7 or 8-year-old can't "lead on" a 14-year-old. A little kid of that age might enjoy their own prettiness or even mimic the behaviour of older people to some degree, but you are projecting onto her desires or intentions that aren't her's.

Yes, sometimes young children like to test boundaries (that's how kids learn) but it's just innocent/ confused game-playing and it was your responsibility to respect those boundaries. Hopefully you already do, but you need to accept that the responsibility for what you did is on your shoulders alone.

This doesn't mean you're some kind of monster! You're not. You were still young and did not act malevolently so much as thoughtlessly and stupidly. You can definitely still live as a good person. You are not fated to be a rapist. You are on the cusp of adulthood. On a real real level (legal and physically in terms of your body and brain) you are transitioning into a different person.

But you do need to accept that a child of that age simply isn't sexual in the same way as a teenager might be (and likewise, an adult isn't sexual in the same way as a teenager). She wasn't trying to get you to do anything to her. Honestly.

Thank you for the reply, it really means a lot. There are times that I interpret actions of others wrongly into my mind, for some reasons that I don't know why when I was a kid (I usually stayed at home, never made friends) but when I turned 15 I started going out more often, etc. and learned more about what is right or what is wrong.. I don't know if that makes any sense though..

Thanks for the reply, I hope you have a great day.

I get what you mean I think! I'm glad that you got the confidence to go out into the world more.

People like to think that ideas that consent or boundaries are just innate, but I honestly think teaching and good socialisation are important. It sounds like you have gotten a lot more self-reflective as you've gotten older, which is great!

Have a nice day too!

The process of recovery and forgiving yourself is long and difficult. It might even seem like you'll never get there, but judging by how you acknowledge what happened and know you were in the wrong is a good sign. I think at 14 it's fairly reasonable to say that teenagers are not always thinking about consequences (prefrontal cortex not fully developed) and are rather mostly living in the moment. They say hindsight is 20/20, well now maybe you feel like you never thought about the far-reaching repercussions of what you did. You acted to satisfy sexual/curious impulses and didn't care about that other person or how it could effect them lifelong, this is regardless of any perceived idea of "she lead me on".

This post really resonated with me and I want to assure you that you can come back from it. You're maturing and with that comes the understanding that nothing has to be permanent, including the circumstances around what you did. If you're both past it now and it only stayed between you, I would say that as long as you're in control of your urges that there's no need to worry badly. You seem sound of mind and like your life is fairly in order. The one thing I don't understand, and I don't mean to offend you, is what you mean by "luring attitude". How could a 7-10 year old do that? A teen or adult definitely, but she's young. I think you may be trying to justify or rationalize what you did in some way.

I wish you the best of luck.