Intense guilt and remorse over past

First of all i'd like to say sorry if I come across as a guy fishing for sympathy he doesn't deserve

Recently i've been coming to this board a lot and find that my story is similar to some on here.

I'm fairly certain that I suffer from Pure Obsessional OCD, mainly POCD, but I fear that I may just be in denial of who I really am :I

Around the time I turned 15 I was sleeping next to my little sister who was around 10 at the time, the reason we were sleeping together was because we were on vacation in a tent with little room.

I don't know what came over me that night but I slowly pulled her underwear down and lightly touched her butt. I masturbated and immediately got an intense feel of regret and shame and got out of the tent to find a way to calm myself down, I don't remember much about how I was feeling after but I must've forced myself to move on (Not without intense regret and shame though)

I want to believe I did it out of curiosity and not because she was young, but once again I fear i'm just in denial and that i'm really a terrible person.

For months after this I would sometimes sneak into her room at night (Ugh...) to do the same except most of the time I would manage to stop myself before masturbating. It was like something came over me every time I did it (Which was around 4-5 times), and I don't know what.

This was a few years ago (I'm 17 now) but I still hate myself everyday for it, I don't do it anymore obviously but I still have fantasies about having sex with family members (not my little sister), which didn't phase me as much when I was younger but now it just makes me feel so bad about myself.

I'm mostly certain she doesn't know, because she's totally normal around me and pretty happy all the time, but I dont think I could live with myself if i had hurt her. Family means the world to me, which is why I am so sickened and disgusted by the things going on in my head, and by my actions.. Ugh

A few months after I did it for the first time I had a sort of mental breakdown because I had watched a show with some guy who had raped his mother I think and I told my mom that I had an incest fetish and that I would sometimes watch her and my sister sleep at night, I told her that I thought I was a terrible person and i deserved to feel so $#%^ about myself (That's pretty much how I feel most of the time now)

She set an appointment with a therapist who I only ended up having 1 session with since I felt so uncomfortable during it..

I guess it helped a little but I still did it a few times after that, and looking back at it I just cant understand why..

I stopped completely around the time I turned 16 because I couldn't live with the guilt and remorse any longer...

I know 15 is a little older than most of the similar stories here but I believe 15 year old me was a lot more immature than a regular 15 year old, which is obivously no excuse for my terrible actions but rather an explanation i guess.

Just before the first time I did it my parents got an unexpected divorce, which I believe affected my mental health really badly, but I didn't notice then, I was just generally unhappy, confused and kind of living in a loop most of the time after it... Still obviously not an excuse but at this point i'm just trying to find out why i did this horrible thing.

Also, around the time of all this I would look on image boards for girls my age at the time (14,15,16) not pornography, but rather images, and one time I went searching on the deep(dark?) web and I saw something so terrible that i'd never go back to browsing stuff like that again (Seriously... ew)

I went to that image board or whatever it was once or twice, and it's another horrible thing in my past that really messes with my POCD because i keep wondering why I did it...

Some days I can feel OK and other days I can be a complete wreck that just wants to end all this. Sometimes I feel like I should just embrace that i'm a ######6 terrible gross person, but outside of my terrible fantasies I think i'm an OK guy. All of it is just so confusing, I'm still young but I dont feel like that's an excuse...

About 5-6 months ago I posted a confession like this on reddit to two different subreddits, one of which suprinsgly received positive comments telling me that what I did was obviously wrong but i should be able to move on, maybe talk to therapist (In better detail and better worded obviously). The other post got more negative commenters where one called me a sex offender and child pornographer, this obviously freaked me out and made me feel extremely bad even though I know I don't browse child porn...


Thankfully there was one really helpful commentor who managed to calm me down. But I think POCD really kicked in after this since before these comments I wasn't really worried that I did it because she was young...

Since then i've been managing pretty life pretty OK, i've still felt the usual remorse shame and guilt but I have two amazing friends (and obviously my amazing family) that I love very much but sometimes I beat myself up because I feel like i'm not being authentic with them since they don't know about this...

I just got home from a weeks vacation with my mom, sister, brother, her boyfriend and one of his kids, it's been a tough week because I've been thinking a lot about this during it, at one moment during the vacation my mom bended over with nothing but a towel and i saw her you know I was sadly very turned on by this and I've been masturbating to fantasies about her a lot lately which has made me quite sad since I love my mother unconditionally and i I don't wanna think about her this way...

I've been thinking about talking to a therapist but my little brother is currently going through a rough patch too (Anxiety) so a lot of my parents energy (and also my energy) are spent trying to help him, so I don't want to bother my mom with my problems right now and I feel that it might be possible for me to move on without therapy

This got long, and very personal and I completly understand if you hate me after reading this but I just felt a need to get it off my chest.

I don't hate you - it sounds like you have issues you need to work through and you did something very wrong, but you were and are still a child, but now on the cusp of adulthood. I think you can make that transition and draw a line in the same between 'child you' and 'adult you' but honestly I think to do that you need to see a therapist.

She set an appointment with a therapist who I only ended up having 1 session with since I felt so uncomfortable during it..

I guess it helped a little but I still did it a few times after that, and looking back at it I just cant understand why..

It is uncomfortable thinking about these things, but you say yourself it gave you some degree of self-insight (and that was just from 1 session!!)

So I think you need to muster your courage to get back into therapy. Yes, it can be hard (I've cried countless times in therapy over the years) but a lot of worthwhile things are. I honestly think you'll be better for it, man

I do agree that seeing a therapist would help me a lot, but like I said i think i'd be best to wait until i feel comfortable telling my mother that i think going back to therapy would be best and why.

I'm managing life generally fine currently besides the occasional very tough moments and general feeling of undeservedness, and that's in part due to a reply you made to someone on here with the same advice to "draw a line in the sand between 'child you' and 'adult you'"

Thank you for your words sprock, I wish you the best with your life onwards.

ihmyself wrote:I do agree that seeing a therapist would help me a lot, but like I said i think i'd be best to wait until i feel comfortable telling my mother that i think going back to therapy would be best and why.

I'm managing life generally fine currently besides the occasional very tough moments and general feeling of undeservedness, and that's in part due to a reply you made to someone on here with the same advice to "draw a line in the sand between 'child you' and 'adult you'"

Thank you for your words sprock, I wish you the best with your life onwards.

Thank you. I'm glad you agree seeing a therapist is a good idea - I don't think you really need to go into much detail with your mother apart from the fact that you found the therapy useful and think more of it would be good for you.

As to my reply in a separate thread, may I ask why that has made things harder for you? My understanding is that you are just 17 so you are soon to be an adult.

I should've phrased it better, what I meant to say was your reply really helped me, it did not make things harder

Thanks again

ihmyself wrote:First of all i'd like to say sorry if I come across as a guy fishing for sympathy he doesn't deserve

Recently i've been coming to this board a lot and find that my story is similar to some on here.

I'm fairly certain that I suffer from Pure Obsessional OCD, mainly POCD, but I fear that I may just be in denial of who I really am :I

Around the time I turned 15 I was sleeping next to my little sister who was around 10 at the time, the reason we were sleeping together was because we were on vacation in a tent with little room.

I don't know what came over me that night but I slowly pulled her underwear down and lightly touched her butt. I masturbated and immediately got an intense feel of regret and shame and got out of the tent to find a way to calm myself down, I don't remember much about how I was feeling after but I must've forced myself to move on (Not without intense regret and shame though)

I want to believe I did it out of curiosity and not because she was young, but once again I fear i'm just in denial and that i'm really a terrible person.

For months after this I would sometimes sneak into her room at night (Ugh...) to do the same except most of the time I would manage to stop myself before masturbating. It was like something came over me every time I did it (Which was around 4-5 times), and I don't know what.

This was a few years ago (I'm 17 now) but I still hate myself everyday for it, I don't do it anymore obviously but I still have fantasies about having sex with family members (not my little sister), which didn't phase me as much when I was younger but now it just makes me feel so bad about myself.

I'm mostly certain she doesn't know, because she's totally normal around me and pretty happy all the time, but I dont think I could live with myself if i had hurt her. Family means the world to me, which is why I am so sickened and disgusted by the things going on in my head, and by my actions.. Ugh

A few months after I did it for the first time I had a sort of mental breakdown because I had watched a show with some guy who had raped his mother I think and I told my mom that I had an incest fetish and that I would sometimes watch her and my sister sleep at night, I told her that I thought I was a terrible person and i deserved to feel so $#%^ about myself (That's pretty much how I feel most of the time now)

She set an appointment with a therapist who I only ended up having 1 session with since I felt so uncomfortable during it..

I guess it helped a little but I still did it a few times after that, and looking back at it I just cant understand why..

I stopped completely around the time I turned 16 because I couldn't live with the guilt and remorse any longer...

I know 15 is a little older than most of the similar stories here but I believe 15 year old me was a lot more immature than a regular 15 year old, which is obivously no excuse for my terrible actions but rather an explanation i guess.

Just before the first time I did it my parents got an unexpected divorce, which I believe affected my mental health really badly, but I didn't notice then, I was just generally unhappy, confused and kind of living in a loop most of the time after it... Still obviously not an excuse but at this point i'm just trying to find out why i did this horrible thing.

Also, around the time of all this I would look on image boards for girls my age at the time (14,15,16) not pornography, but rather images, and one time I went searching on the deep(dark?) web and I saw something so terrible that i'd never go back to browsing stuff like that again (Seriously... ew)

I went to that image board or whatever it was once or twice, and it's another horrible thing in my past that really messes with my POCD because i keep wondering why I did it...

Some days I can feel OK and other days I can be a complete wreck that just wants to end all this. Sometimes I feel like I should just embrace that i'm a ######6 terrible gross person, but outside of my terrible fantasies I think i'm an OK guy. All of it is just so confusing, I'm still young but I dont feel like that's an excuse...

About 5-6 months ago I posted a confession like this on reddit to two different subreddits, one of which suprinsgly received positive comments telling me that what I did was obviously wrong but i should be able to move on, maybe talk to therapist (In better detail and better worded obviously). The other post got more negative commenters where one called me a sex offender and child pornographer, this obviously freaked me out and made me feel extremely bad even though I know I don't browse child porn...


Thankfully there was one really helpful commentor who managed to calm me down. But I think POCD really kicked in after this since before these comments I wasn't really worried that I did it because she was young...

Since then i've been managing pretty life pretty OK, i've still felt the usual remorse shame and guilt but I have two amazing friends (and obviously my amazing family) that I love very much but sometimes I beat myself up because I feel like i'm not being authentic with them since they don't know about this...

I just got home from a weeks vacation with my mom, sister, brother, her boyfriend and one of his kids, it's been a tough week because I've been thinking a lot about this during it, at one moment during the vacation my mom bended over with nothing but a towel and i saw her you know I was sadly very turned on by this and I've been masturbating to fantasies about her a lot lately which has made me quite sad since I love my mother unconditionally and i I don't wanna think about her this way...

I've been thinking about talking to a therapist but my little brother is currently going through a rough patch too (Anxiety) so a lot of my parents energy (and also my energy) are spent trying to help him, so I don't want to bother my mom with my problems right now and I feel that it might be possible for me to move on without therapy

This got long, and very personal and I completly understand if you hate me after reading this but I just felt a need to get it off my chest.

i have no idea if you are still available. i understand that you posted this a long time ago. i don't even know if you ever see this. by anychance in future, if you ever see this, please reply. i am going through something very or exactly similar to what you are going through. my pocd is telling me that my childhood experiences are what i am. i would appreciate if you could reply from atleast a different accounct. if you are cured, please tell me how you did that. as of now i feel like my life is over.