I'm a screw up

I have no idea where to start or what's important so I'll just tell a bit.

Little about me, I think I may have Dissociatives. But I had believed to have managed to get through it. The stress of working through it alone nearly killed me. A friend out the blue contacted me one night and said she would not let me go until I promised that I'd survive. That was the worst night that I had in years. And there was no reason for her to help me. I needed it but I don't know why she provided it out even how she even knew I needed help.

One thing I noticed is that when I started to remove the faces my memory got screwed up. I didn't forget anything. Oh no, quite the opposite. When I left my haze I didn't recognize anything around me. I believed I was my younger self. Somehow my most recent memories were pushed back to the bottom of the pile and my older ones were brought to the surface. Sad to say that never fixed itself. I just layered the most recent memories on top of the out of place one's.

I put this into remorse because I have a issue. I'm a cheater. Why? I don't know. It doesn't make any sense. I don't even enjoy sex. If anything my current partner, or maybe former, should be former is the only person I feel close to enjoying. So why would I cheat on her? I have no idea. It isn't even after sex that the regret starts. It's before I've even done anything at all. Before I even arrive at the location I just want to turn around. But I do not. I have only myself to blame.

My first sexual relationship I wasn't quite ready for sex. I wanted to have it. But, was nervous. I expressed this to my gf at the time and she didn't like it. Said we were going to have sex at that moment rather I wanted to or not. She started out hitting my body and then my face. Every time I pulled away she would hit me harder and for longer. I just gave in. That worked into the day that I released to fast. I said sorry. It didn't matter. She beat me and chocked me for over a hour. This also happened when I couldn't get into the mood. But I learned to put myself on command regardless of how I felt inside. And I made sure to never end early ever again.

Not sure if that had anything to do with it. Or the man who claimed help wanted to be a father to me when what he really wanted is someone he could beat and rape in his basement without getting in trouble. I'll give him credit. It took over 2 years before I started to look up to him like a dad. Always wanted a father I could look up to. He put so much time and effort to get there. I don't even know how his wife couldn't hear my screams when she was just upstairs. I screamed for help the second I realized what was happening and did not stop screaming and sobbing. I'll never forget how he told I was going to be his b**** for the night.

I recently started therapy for ptsd. I've only been twice. I don't know if I want to go back. He has me reliving my trauma but when I said it was more than I could take he kept pushing me to look at it. Then there was nothing. I felt fine. He remarked that instead of reliving it I dissociated it. I guess I did. I felt like I was going to die. I nearly ran out the room during therapy. What was I supposed to do? He tells me if I don't get through them I'll never trust anyone. I guess that's true. I don't tell anyone in my life what I'm going through. I try, but no words come out.

So many people consider me to be strong. I wanted to be. My dad and his family hated me being weak. So did some people from my mom's side. They did all they could to force me to get stronger. In first grade another kid chased me home. My dad shut the door on me and locked it. Told me I couldn't come in until I dealt with the guy chasing me who was now beating on me while I pounded on the door trying to get in. I guess despite all my trouble I'm still weak. Too weak to support a family. Too weak to make it through therapy.

I want to end my affair and put my life back together. I have a child who means the world to me. I know these are all problems I caused.

It sounds you are starting to address your problems and past traumas. Don't be hard on yourself - you were treated appalling and it's a lot to get through. It certainly sounds like the cheating comes from a place of self-loathing. Have you seen the film Shame? (Not saying you are the same as the protagonist but that you might relate to parts of it.) If your therapist isn't respecting your boundaries in a way that makes you feel unsafe it might be worth looking for another therapist if possible? I honestly have the sense that you are moving in the right direction. Thank you for your post.