I'm going to Hell

I'm a Christian, I go to Church every weekend. (Or try to)

But I have committed a horrible crime.

Last month I went out with work colleagues, lots of alcohol was involved. I blacked out, I usually black out when I drink a lot of alcohol.

A few weeks ago I learnt of developments of what could've happened on that day out.

Apparently a few of the lads who was there told a lad who gave me a lift home from work that apparently I was asking this woman for sex and she said no so I went and tried to hit her?

I remember an argument with this woman as I've said. I remember saying I have a girlfriend. I didn't have any bruises, no cuts, nothing the day after.
If I tried to hit a woman then surely I would've got battered?

The lad who gave me a lift said he didn't believe what he was told. I guess that's a crumb of comfort. He said the woman would've reported it and the police would've been at my door. He told me to stop worrying.

I have been thinking about it though. I'm on my third week off work sick now and I'm punishing myself for it.

Before I went on the sick, everything was fine in work, people seemed ok with me. It's a proper lads environment though. A lot of banter. Were they exaggerating? Why would they say that anyway? Why would they say I tried to hit a woman to other people? I remember returning back to work after the day out and a couple of the lads joked calling me "****** the rapist".

That was when it clicked I did something wrong.

I've been to Samaritans, I met someone who requested me to go back to where the said incident happened so I did. I asked if there were any incidents of violence. The barmaid said we can't give you exact detail because of data protection but because it happened weeks ago then the police would've been at your door by now. (So that's another person who said that)

I still can't shake off the feeling I did something wrong though and I feel dirty because of it.

I have closed myself away from my girlfriend. I've told her everything, she said I didn't do anything and it's been blown out of proportion. But that hasn't stopped me not answering the door to her, not talking to her.

I believe I'm a potential rapist and people like that deserve to die IMO. I deserve death.

God forgives but he doesn't forgive these crimes. There is Hell for a reason.

I haven't eat, I'm planning to starve myself. Basically go to where I belong.

And it's not here as I don't deserve to be here.

Would it be possible for you to message these guys and tell them that's if you really hit a woman it's not a joke to you and that you want to be told straight what you did?

God forgives but he doesn't forgive these crimes. There is Hell for a reason.

**Content note for discussion of abuse**

The following is going to touch on theology which is potentially going to be really alienating for all non-Christian readers/ members. Personally I have such a complicated relationship with my own faith I wouldn't dream of trying to convert anyone! And, frankly, wouldn't want to.

So, erm, if you hate God talk - please step out now.

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Nowhere in the Bible does it state that God doesn't forgive rapists - or, more to the point, potential rapists. If I am bluntly honest about the grim facts, the Bible doesn't take a consistent moral stance against rape. It's a very ancient text so this is sadly to be expected. Personally I find this troubling at best and distressing at worst, but if you're trying to assess this situation from a strictly orthodox point of view, you're not going to Hell. That's not on the cards.

However (and please correct me if I'm wrong!) I get the sense that you are really talking about your own self-image and how you don't forgive yourself so why should God? To be reconciled to God I believe you need to be able to treat yourself with some grace and compassion. In a sense the only way to be forever cut off from salvation is to permanently lose all hope.

Because the fact is that you aren't cut off, even if you try to shut out your girlfriend and work and everyone else. You're a part of the universe, as much a part of our collective matter as the keyboard you are typing upon or the room you're in or any of the other billions of humans and animals and vegetables and flowers and objects of this planet. You are networked.

So, this is about learning to live with what you've done. That starts with being realistic and accurate about your transgression. You currently don't know what you did. Hopefully you can find out. You did not rape anyone. Potentially you hit someone. That is sad and stupid and ugly. But it is something that, if you did, you can make amends for.

Jesus tells us to forgive not up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven i.e. to forgive always and absolutely. It's easier said than done.

Certainly there are a lot of us here in Remorse who have done thing worse than what you have done (and I include myself in that). I suggest reading more threads here. See if you can forgive us - or, if you can't, see what makes us human. Because even the worst humans are humans and you see a long way off from being one of the worst humans.

Because I don't think I'm a good person and I certainly feel wretched and guilty and there have been times in the past when I have thought about Hell a lot... As the last half a dozen years have gone by the guilt hasn't lessened and I haven't gotten any happier, but I have accepted that I'm part of the great network of life - whether I feel I deserve to be or not. Hell means being forever cut off. But how can be be forever cut off?

This is one of the things that Jesus teaches us. God forgives. That essential unity is.

Your story touched me for some reason, so I wanted to respond.

No, you are not going to hell. It's unclear what happened, but what is clear is that you regret it, and that is a world of difference between you, and someone who does go out of their way to harm others, and doesn't care (or worse, enjoys it). You may have made a mistake, but who doesn't?

Mercy, kindness, compassion, concern for others, forgiveness, are what separates you. I hope you can turn some of those amazing traits toward yourself.

Sprock dealt with this in a very diplomatic manner, and with great clarity. But I just feel anger that you were brought up to believe in something (hell) for which there is not a shred of evidence. I think you have been brainwashed by people who don't care about evidence and reason.

Look, you don't need the bogus threat of hell to determine your morality. If you did wrong, then do good from now on. It's beautifully simple. The value of that good is not diminished by past misdeeds. You can use any guilt you feel as a catalyst for amazing deeds, perhaps far more amazing than if you never felt that guilt (think about it). You have the rest of your life to make a net positive impact on this world. Make it so. We all thank you for your future contributions.

I just find the concept of hell to be a gaping hole of despair, and subsequently hinders our potential to utilise the very healthy feeling of remorse to its fullest potential. You are not trying to please a god with your actions. You are trying to leave this world a better place than you left it. You can still do that in any moment, and more easily than you perhaps think.

Every single day, you can do things that reduce suffering. Make that your raison d'être. I promise you, you will find greater peace in serving that noble and rational purpose than satisfying some unproven notion of eternal judgement.

I don't wish to offend you or your beliefs. I just think there is a far more practical solution here, that will move you from the despair of eternal torment to the light of fully utilising your potential.

You have a body and a mind, brimming with positive energy. Use it! Go out and make this world better. Leave your past. Enter the present.

I thought that I would mention that the Oxford group teachings and the 12 steps of AA came after the bible.
I am not saying that you are an alcoholic, but you might want to get a screening or evaluation for peace of mind. Some bodies cannot tolerate alcohol like others can. You don't want to do this again.
If alcohol is the root cause of what happened, then you may want a counselor to help you take a closer look at things.
Good judgement was the first thing that went out the window when I picked up a drink.
"Hell isn't some place that we go, it is something we carry around with us while we are here".
Best of luck to you.

You are not going to hell. First of all you font know if you did it so why punish yourself. Also God forgives the remorseful. Please reply to this so I know you are ok.