Child on child sexual abuse & csa TRIGGER WARNING

Ok when I was about 12, my younger brother was 8. We have 4 older siblings too but they had all moved out or where in high school by then. My brother and I used to be home alone all the time and we were very close. One day, I can't remember why or how but we started kissing and feeling each other up over the clothes. it happened about 3-5 times over maybe 1-2 years - that I remember. Sometimes he would feel my breasts and once he asked if he could see them and I let him. I used to rub his penis over his clothes, i used to ask him if I could feel it under the clothes or see it and he said no and I respected that. I don't know why we did this. over this time , I got my first (and only) boyfriend. I was never ever physical with him, we kissed on the cheek a few times and that's it. I got teased for being frigid and I broke up with him.

Later I dated a girl and we were very intimate but we broke up due to my mental health issues, which arose when I was about 14. I self harmed, was in and out of psych wards for suicide attempts and developed anorexia. I started abusing drugs when I was 17. Since my girlfriend and I broke up when I was 16, I haven't dated anyone else, I have had no interest in it. Flashbacks to the stuff I did with my brother would constantly bring up guilt and worthlessness.

When I was 19 I was at a party, incredibly sober for the first time in my life and 3 of my friends admitted to have being sexually assaulted. It was then that I had a crystallising moment and realised I was abused when I was younger but I didn't know who or when or anything.. I started abusing drugs , drinking and just being generally reckless. I tried to kill myself a few times but no one even knew - it was small overdoses and I would wake up every time. I was experiencing random flashbacks and I had eventually linked them to my childhood friends house, that I was friends with for ages 4-8. I became friends with a guy and we ended up havin sex (my first time in my adult life) but during that I had such horrific, graphic flashbacks. II ended up as an involuntary patient in an adult mental health unit. my mum read my diary in which I had written the details of my flashbacks . She told me when she was younger she was sexually abused.

Fastforward to now, I have linked the rape flashbacks together and I'm fairly certain I know when and what happened but I also don't have any physical proof so I don't know if I believe it. I have nightmares and fear of men. looking back over the years, being raped would explain a lot. I never liked sleepovers, if I did sleepover somewhere I would have to get myself absolutely wasted to the point where I would pass out on my friends backyard. It would explain why I did what I did to my brother.

Did I assault my brother? he is now 17 and has had several serious girlfriends and is sexually active with his current girlfriend. We never ever talk about what happened. I hope he doesn't remember, he was young enough to forget (I hope). Is it possible my brain is making up the rape incidents to try lessen my guilt/blame over what happened with my brother. I'm aware that I was older but it was consensual on both our parts. we have a very Christian family, I didn't even find out what an erection was until I was 14. I didn't understand what sexual intercourse was until then either.

Speaking for myself it sounds like experimentation since you respected his stated boundaries. There was an age difference, but your behaviour doesn't sound whatsoever predatory to me - if you had been abused, you were perhaps acting out and trying to (in a confused, childish way because you were a child) reclaim your "sexuality" [I put it in brackets because you were a kid and I don't think child sexuality is really the same as adult sexuality - like, it's partly pre-sexual maybe, if that makes sense]. You sound like you are in a better place now than you were a few years ago. You sound like a survivor with good self-awareness. I honestly think you and your brother will be okay.