Was I an abuser?

When I was between 12 and 16, and my sister 8 and 13, there was sexual contact. Over, and under, clothes touching. Nothing close to penetration.

I recently discovered my sister had been abused by and older (adult) member of the family (not a parent). This has brought these memories back, and I feel absolutely ashamed of myself to the point I feel physically sick and suicidal.

I know I'm absolutely at fault as I was the older child.

The sexual contact started when my sister would "accidentally" be naked in front of me (i.e. dropping the towel after a shower when she went past my room). After dropping the towel, she's just say "what?" Like it was normal. The contact from then I'm unsure how it started. It got to the point where we both kind of knew it was wrong, but one of us would "try it on" with the other anyway and it was very uncomfortable. I can remember one time my sister wanting me to press hard on her private parts, and protested when I tried to stop, so I just sat there and did it until she got bored.

There was never any violence, nor any speak of keeping it secret, or any threats if it got talked about. I think we both instinctively knew to keep it secret.

I don't know what age my sister was when she was abused by the family member, nor then extent of the abuse. But I can't help think it was related?

I've suffered pretty major depression and anxiety around 8 years, I'm now 30. My sister also suffers very much from depression and has been in some form of counselling for several years.

She also married young (20) to a much older man (40), and they were together for a few years, and she then got divorced. I believe that there could have been some emotional abuse going on. She said she still has nightmares about trying to leave him.

So, was I an abuser?

Is it possible for me to "move on" and have a normal life? I've never had a proper relationship, and have only had sex once in my 30 years.

I think it's important to say that the contact happened a total of maybe 10 - 12 time over those years.

It sounds more like experimentation to me, though I think this is complicated by the fact she was abused by an older relative, which possibly explains her behaviour towards you. 16 is perhaps late for experimentation but you were fundamentally still a child. I wouldn't normally suggest this and I would only suggest it in the situation that you know your sister will feel like she is in a safe environment (i.e. such a thing requires a lot of pre-planning and delicacy) but have you ever discussed what happened between you with her?