I failed as a brother

I dont know were to start, Its like I was no longer aware of the past until I received a drunken msg from my sister with words like I "remember" or "I am angry" "WTF"

These words suddenly flooded my mind of events of the past. what stands out from everything is the shame and guilt and simply how much I hate myself I am barely keeping it together and I don't know what to do as there is so much going on in my head and I cant think, I cant enjoy life I am no longer working I no longer see friends I had purposed to my long time gf but now it will all come to an end once I tell her.

My sister simply now says not to worry about it or its ok just forget it but I cant I guess she tried to show that everything was fine when she came home and we stayed up all night drinking like the old times, as we used to be best friends from video games and just being there for each other.

But no I failed her as a brother I dont understand how I could of done what I did I want to tell her more but I cant make her talk to me and would be wrong to do so. Shes currently doing really well with a job and friends very popularly, I suspect shes not ready to talk about it or if she will ever be.

I couldn't keep it all in however as the guilt just ate away at me and and didn't trust my own head so I told are parents and waited for whatever consequences coming my way legal action was looked at and it just came back that there are much worse cases and that what happened is more common then people think I was told that I needed to move on but I cant I cant move on I just cant.

So recently I saw someone else who also told me the same thing, But I don't understand I have read posts here and everyone seems to agree that 2-3 years apart seems to be common but with me and my sister I would say just about 5 years apart there was no force but I was still older 11-12, Its true I wasn't the best developed mentally at the time stuff like I didn't speak use words until I was 5 I just remember always being in fear that one of moms rages was about to kick off, But it dosnt matter I should of known better but then I am told I cant judge it as a adult but my mind cant accept it My brother did do something similar to me but I dont see that as an excuse, and I dont hate him forgot about it a long time ago and moved on from it.

Not a day goes by without thinking what I did, barely eating, barely sleeping my thoughts cant focus on anything but the guilt and shame of what I have done. And once I tell my gf which I was told to hold off on until I read and listen to stuff like "Inner child" I dont know I hate myself it doesnt matter.

I love my sister and hate what I have done - I see no right road to take.

I see this forever over my head I dont understand people from my folks to a therapist who tell me to move on that I deserve to be happy but to me I have caused clearly pain to my sister and soon to my gf as my story will tear her apart to have wasted 8 years on me 8! just to have it all come apart at the very end.

I had no friends growing up my own age and was picked on like you have no idea I was weak, I was scared I was worthless I wasn't clever learning problems behind in everything .

If anyone who was abused is reading this I am very sorry

You need to respect your sister's wishes as best you can. If she wants you to move on, you must try. Beating yourself up like this could just hurt her more. The fact is, your therapist and others are right in saying that you can't look at this through adult eyes. You must try to talk to yourself about this as you would any other 12-year-old. Would you want a 12-year-old to suffer forever?

Its an impossible task I tell you to move on the odd time I can distracted myself but only for a time I still think on events of the past everyday.

My mind wonders on what people would think of me if the rest of the family knew or friends how would they act or say I don't feel like I deserve to go off and be happy, As pathetic as I sound.

Am I wrong to simply say noting? I know my sister wants to drop it forget about it or whatever and I will respect these wishes.

Its just impossible to to act normal it continues to eat away at me I see it forever over my head always shadowing me. Just waiting for the time when it will come up once again theirs simply no way I can see myself moving on.

therapist has me listening to stuff like Black Dog or 7 ways to maximise misery but sure that doesn't help when you have done something awful.

Keep thinking on the past again and again with the simply question "Why"
stuff like influences from Hormones, acting out with stuff what happend to me
I should of known better and actions were my own really hating myself can't forgive myself.

Sister continuing to do well from what I can tell.
Miss her and tore apart to lose her forever or at the very least it never the same again.
failed her.

Left wondering what to do about gf up until now was advised not to say anything from therapist and I know my sister wouldn't want me to say anything I actually seemed happy or somewhat supportive when told of the engagement but I feel I have to tell her, currently away going to be a hard phone call.

Thanks for the reply sprock

I don't feel deserving of someones attention on this I just cant think straight done something awful frond this site other people sharing so yea.

2manyvoices wrote:Am I wrong to simply say noting? I know my sister wants to drop it forget about it or whatever and I will respect these wishes.

As hard as it is you definitely should respect those wishes. If it's what she wants and finds the most healing, then you have to accept that. I'm glad you say you will respect those wishes although I know (and personally understand) the difficulty of respecting her wish to forget about it/ move on, but you must keep trying!

That said, I think you'll have to accept that they may be with you forever - but that doesn't mean it always has to hurt this bad or feel this intolerable. You can regret something without being consumed with gnawing horror over it. There are degrees of feeling so try to be a bit more compassionate with yourself.

If she ever does bring it up again and wants to talk ( again I will respect her wishes )

I've been wondering if I should tell her the stuff what happend to me would it help her in anyway?
Or by doing so would it just make things worse? Currently I have been thinking to never say anything as doing so could only add to more problems and I just dont know if it would help her or not.

Tearing me apart knowing I hurt her from my actions we really did have a good friendship in the past didn't have many friends growing up so in a way she was one of my best would play a lot of computer games she could even kick my ass in some bit of a nerd like me and now its ruined.

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Its very hard not to let the self hatred consumed you, cuz you deserve it even with people saying "cant judge it as a adult" or because of your age etc your mind continues to eat away at you and it isn't getting any easier in the end I hurt my sister clearly, I should just pack my bag and move to the other side of the world disappear but maybe that wouldn't even help.

just pointless and I want to do something good