Am I an abuser ?

Please note that the following story might be very disturbing . I want your honest opinion and suggestions how to move forward.

I (26/female )live in a very complicated family(seven kids), violence was mostly used to educate us. This should not be an excuse for my actions but just to give you some background of myself. I am grown up now and have forgiven everyone who was involved in my misery but I cannot forgive myself for what I did. I was thirteen and had a sister who was six years old. I used to sleep next to her. One night I kissed her on her mouth (imaging kissing actually someone else I had a crush on back in time). She did not react . I used to do this for few times. Once we did have a shower together , where I kissed her again and let her sit on my lap. The last time we ever slept next to each other , I took her hand and let her touch my breast. We never slept next to each other after this night, and I have never kissed her again. when I was around 17/18 I recalled my actions and was absolutely embarrassed , I wanted to make up for this so I started helping her in school ,buy her food , go out with her and so on. We started being actually best friends and she likes me the most in the family . Until now I always have her back and always try to help with any problem she has. But her problems getting bigger. She started to steal and buy stuff online she couldn't pay .. I found out she had an alcohol problem and tried to kill herself.

I don't know if her behavior is a result of my abusive actions or because she is the youngest in a family , who is absolutely damaged and violent. I would also add (not to my defense , because I am absolutely disgust by myself) that two other members (my brothers) of my family are also troublemakers.

I cannot talk with her about the past, because I know she will hate me and it would destroy the relationship we have now , but is there anything I can do , to help her and to make up for my sins?

Just my opinion, sweetie, but I seriously doubt her current behaviour has anything to do with the things y'all did as children. That's what you were, too- you were just getting to that age that, in my personal opinion based on my own experiences, where you even start to think of what's appropriate behaviour or not. Once you realised your actions were inappropriate, you stopped. I don't think you're a bad person.

There are plenty of reasons that she could be the way she is, and even though I'm far from expert, I haven't noticed that in the sexual abuse forums, as a natural outcome of child sexual abuse. I think she has her own issues that have nothing to do with what you did.

I'll also state that I don't think what you did qualifies as outright abuse- you were at an age where you were discovering your sexuality, plus it sounds from your home life story, that you might have been in a little need of attention, no? Kids do some weird stuff when they're hitting adolescence. You don't sound as if you were being malicious, nor does it sound as if you were intentionally trying to use the power imbalance from your respective ages, to your advantage. In fact, if your sister had been within a year or two of your age, I'd have completely dismissed your concerns, tbh, because sexual experimentation between kids is considered normal, as far as I know. But even as things are, I really think that you're overthinking this, sweetie. I think the best thing is to forgive yourself and realise that you're not that 13 year old any longer, and know what constitutes appropriate behaviour, in a way that you didn't, then.

I'd post something, but I'm not allowed to.

@Snaga : Thank you very much for your reply. I will certainly read it a lot as it really helped to cope with my feelings right now ..

@SweetSlumber: I am not sure what you mean . If you think your reply might hurt me so please don't worry I am here to seek honest opinion.

Just chipping in to state that I agree with Snaga's reply

sprock wrote:Just chipping in to state that I agree with Snaga's reply

Ditto..... seems perfectly a perfectly sensible, rational outlook on the situation