Masturbation Addiction and Past Shame. Includes Triggers.

I'm a 30 year old Heterosexual Male who has had a masturbation addiction problem since I was probably 12 or 13. I know for a fact that I'm attracted to women and I've always wanted to have an amazing and loving relationship with that one special woman because I'm a hopeless romantic.

I was introduced to porn at a younger age by my older cousin, I was probably 9 or 10, who did touch me on at least one occasion. I don't hold any grudges and I'm not mad at him about it, we were young kids and he and I have a good relationship to this day. I've never been diagnosed with anything and I probably should've seen somebody when I was younger, but I definitely think I suffer from OCD, Binge Eating(this for sure), and Body Dysmorphia. I was extremely overweight when I was younger and growing up I would obsess over things to the point that it was ridiculous to obsess about them. Like the fact that I went through puberty so late, I hated how my voice was so high pitched and I would obsess about it by playing it back to me over and over again. Silly things like that, but I still suffer from obsessing about thing today, it's just that I obsess over things that cause me to hate myself for my past.

When I really started masturbating to things on the internet it was mostly tame stuff like sex scenes from movies, I guess because I've always been really afraid of downloading stuff and I would search for those things on Google Images and they were easier to find. As I got a little older like into my late teens/early 20's I watched a lot of "Lesbian" Porn. But this evolved over time because as I headed towards my mid-20's I would watch things like Gay Porn, Tranny Porn, Incest, Pregnant, Older Women, etc. It was like my mind was attracted to so many things and I couldn't help it. I wouldn't classify myself as having a porn addiction, maybe I do, because I've never really lost to much time to masturbating. It was more of a quick fix and get it over with deal, I think for the dopamine rush. I do the same thing with eating junk food, when there are days where I consume 8,000 - 10,000 calories. It's like a way for me to mask the pain I guess.

But back to the subject at hand, all of those things that I watched I could live with having weird "kinks" for because I just tell myself that they're just fetishes. The way I masturbate is kind of like a person who has ADD and I just continually do it while searching for a bunch of different things on porn sites or other places. But for the past year and a half I've suffered from so much self-hatred because I used to go on google images and look up inappropriate pictures. *Mod edit*


It's been at least 3 years since I searched for those despicable things and something happened about a year and a half ago that made me almost wake up and become self-aware and that's when the self-hatred really started. I started to evaluate who I was as a person and it's getting hard for me to live with myself. I brush it off as it being a fantasy that I shouldn't have give in to, but I did and I shouldn't be alive. What winds up happening with me is that I've changed so much, I'm going to sound like an egotist, and people genuinely like being around me and think I'm this good guy. But they don't know the secrets that I keep or who I am behind closed doors. So when people compliment me I tell myself that I don't deserve this and that I honestly can never be happy because of my past.

Maybe I should've posted this in the Remorse Forum and I know it probably should've been put into the "Paraphilias" forum, but that place doesn't exist anymore. I just needed a place to let all of this out and to get people's opinions. It's like once I start accepting what I did and thinking I can movie on something happens. All of the stuff with in the news or anytime I'm watching a movie about some human being who does some evil things, I see myself as this person. I still struggle with my masturbation addiction, but I'm aware of it. I still look at some of the things I mentioned earlier that I said I feel like I could live with, but I stay away from the other stuff. If I even see a teenage girl or a girl I think is younger than 18/19, I immediately get worried about how old she is and I'm instantly reminded of my past transgressions.

I'm sorry if I posted this in the wrong forum and if I offended anyone. I welcome everyone's opinions and judgement's because I do deserve them for the awful things that I've done. I'm sorry if everything wasn't very clear and thank you for allowing me to post about this.

I had to edit a part of this out due to the site rules about pedophilia. The talk is not allowed here, but with the couple paragraphs after that, I feel that people can get a grasp of what happened.

I will say that I have a lot of self-hate for a similar reason. I actually talked sexually to a fifteen year old and was arrested for it. I got it erased from my record after a two year probation stint, but the thought still haunts me. I never saw him naked, he was fully clothed every single time I did see him, but we talked about sex. A lot. The thing that haunts me is that I wanted to see him naked, and I asked to see him naked (the final message I sent to him, was unaware I was talking to his dad and not him). Two or three weeks later, State Troopers are in my living room, taking my laptop.

The thing that scares me is that I did it, and I don't understand why. I'm not into kids. I like young people around my age, yes, but I'm in my 20's. I have a boyfriend who turns 21 in less than a month, and I honestly think he keeps me sane through all of this. He knows about it, understands why it happens. He's always there for me, and I don't want to lose him.

Judging from what I read here, I don't think you have a masturbation addiction. I had to see two sex addiction therapists due to the crime I committed. The one told me "there's no such thing as a masturbation addiction, but there is a masturbation dependency". He went on to tell me "90% of people masturbate and the other ten percent lie and say they don't." The past shame of what you did may make you think that, but I really don't think you do, based off of what I read.

The best thing I could recommend for you is maybe go talk to a therapist. Not necessarily a sex addiction one, but just a regular therapist. They listen. I told mine all about my crime for years before he moved away. They can't tell anyone about what you've done, at least in the U.S. (Unless you tell them you killed someone or are regularly committing a major crime).

I hope this helps, even a little. Stay strong.

My apologies for not posting the correct thing, I guess I should've worded it better. I didn't know exactly where to post it, but I appreciate you responding nonetheless. The only reason I might disagree with you is because of my obsessive personality and the way I use masturbation as a way of coping, I guess you could say. There's no doubt in my mind that I have a food addiction/binge eating disorder because I'm like an addict when it comes to food. I was struggling with money last summer and I was craving food, so I went and traded in my IPad for cash just so I could afford to buy a bunch of junk food. Food Addiction and Drug Addiction are a lot alike and it's what I use to cope with things, which is the wrong to handle those things.

I feel like there are times where I use masturbation the same way. I'm all about the NoFap movement and when I'm focused, I can go two-three weeks but my anxiety gets so bad on it that I can't focus and it causes me to focus on my past so much that I want to die. I know that sounds melodramatic, but it's very true. I have a problem letting go and then I start to see ever negative thing I've done in my life and the past shame causes me to not want to do anything or even move or get out of bed at points. I know that I need to see a therapist, but that's just not an option at this time because of finances and the area I live in. Which is one of the reasons I come to this board because it's really the only form of therapy I have.

I hope no one thinks I'm trying to make them feel sorry for me because I'm not. I completely understand that I'm in the situation I'm in because of bad decisions that I've made in my life. I just want to understand why I looked at those things when I knew it was wrong and why can't I let go of the shame. It's like there's this voice that's always right there telling me that I'm a monster because of these things and that I don't deserve to be happy and it only causes me to want to stay away from people because if they ever find out what I've done their going to hate me. No matter how much I try to lump it in with those other porn subjects(like tranny, gay, etc.) and me just doing it to get a "kick" I can't do it. Thank you for your response Tyler, I don't mean to come off unappreciative if I did.

You're welcome. Don't worry about coming off as unappreciative, you're struggling right now, and I know what you're going through.

The reason I think you're not addicted is because, generally, addictions have negative effects that go with them. I know an alcoholic that had 6 DUI's in seven years. I'm a spending addict. I just spent about $300 on comic books for no reason, when I need to be saving my money. You're a food addict. You sold something dear to you (I assume) so you could get food, and on top of that, are gaining weight (again, I'm assuming). I have a good friend on here that is has a gambling. She hasn't gambled in years, if I'm remembering correctly, but she would go down with her money and spend it all on the slot machines.

What, if any, negative effects does your masturbation have on you, other than what your mind creates? There are people that aren't able to work because they're addicted to masturbation. There are people that masturbate in public, because they can't wait long enough to get home and do it. Do you do any of these things? If not, you have a masturbation dependency, like most men do. I masturbate of have some sort of sex with my boyfriend anywhere from two to four times a day. Masturbation is natural. Alcohol, gambling, cigarettes, and unhealthy intake of food aren't.

Also, if you're looking for a place to talk about your food addiction, we have a forum for that food-addiction/

Now, about your images you've looked up, while I've never looked any up myself, I'm still haunted by the fact that I asked a fifteen year old to pose naked for me. Granted, i was 18, not even three full years older, but still, it was illegal. I got caught. While I got off easy, I was facing years in prison and decades as a registered sex offender. We all make mistakes. The important thing is to learn from them. You were young, just like I was. I haven't moved on from feeling terrible for what I did, and it's going to take time, for both of us.

If it makes u feel better I dont think it is wrong unless ur in a committed relationship.

It doesn't matter because I can't let the feelings of this shame go and I feel like I deserved to be punished for my sins.

That doesn't mean that you do though. A feeling is just a feeling. Have you tried meditating much?