I'm a 30 year old Heterosexual Male who has had a masturbation addiction problem since I was probably 12 or 13. I know for a fact that I'm attracted to women and I've always wanted to have an amazing and loving relationship with that one special woman because I'm a hopeless romantic.
I was introduced to porn at a younger age by my older cousin, I was probably 9 or 10, who did touch me on at least one occasion. I don't hold any grudges and I'm not mad at him about it, we were young kids and he and I have a good relationship to this day. I've never been diagnosed with anything and I probably should've seen somebody when I was younger, but I definitely think I suffer from OCD, Binge Eating(this for sure), and Body Dysmorphia. I was extremely overweight when I was younger and growing up I would obsess over things to the point that it was ridiculous to obsess about them. Like the fact that I went through puberty so late, I hated how my voice was so high pitched and I would obsess about it by playing it back to me over and over again. Silly things like that, but I still suffer from obsessing about thing today, it's just that I obsess over things that cause me to hate myself for my past.
When I really started masturbating to things on the internet it was mostly tame stuff like sex scenes from movies, I guess because I've always been really afraid of downloading stuff and I would search for those things on Google Images and they were easier to find. As I got a little older like into my late teens/early 20's I watched a lot of "Lesbian" Porn. But this evolved over time because as I headed towards my mid-20's I would watch things like Gay Porn, Tranny Porn, Incest, Pregnant, Older Women, etc. It was like my mind was attracted to so many things and I couldn't help it. I wouldn't classify myself as having a porn addiction, maybe I do, because I've never really lost to much time to masturbating. It was more of a quick fix and get it over with deal, I think for the dopamine rush. I do the same thing with eating junk food, when there are days where I consume 8,000 - 10,000 calories. It's like a way for me to mask the pain I guess.
But back to the subject at hand, all of those things that I watched I could live with having weird "kinks" for because I just tell myself that they're just fetishes. The way I masturbate is kind of like a person who has ADD and I just continually do it while searching for a bunch of different things on porn sites or other places. But for the past year and a half I've suffered from so much self-hatred because I used to go on google images and look up inappropriate pictures. *Mod edit*
It's been at least 3 years since I searched for those despicable things and something happened about a year and a half ago that made me almost wake up and become self-aware and that's when the self-hatred really started. I started to evaluate who I was as a person and it's getting hard for me to live with myself. I brush it off as it being a fantasy that I shouldn't have give in to, but I did and I shouldn't be alive. What winds up happening with me is that I've changed so much, I'm going to sound like an egotist, and people genuinely like being around me and think I'm this good guy. But they don't know the secrets that I keep or who I am behind closed doors. So when people compliment me I tell myself that I don't deserve this and that I honestly can never be happy because of my past.
Maybe I should've posted this in the Remorse Forum and I know it probably should've been put into the "Paraphilias" forum, but that place doesn't exist anymore. I just needed a place to let all of this out and to get people's opinions. It's like once I start accepting what I did and thinking I can movie on something happens. All of the stuff with in the news or anytime I'm watching a movie about some human being who does some evil things, I see myself as this person. I still struggle with my masturbation addiction, but I'm aware of it. I still look at some of the things I mentioned earlier that I said I feel like I could live with, but I stay away from the other stuff. If I even see a teenage girl or a girl I think is younger than 18/19, I immediately get worried about how old she is and I'm instantly reminded of my past transgressions.
I'm sorry if I posted this in the wrong forum and if I offended anyone. I welcome everyone's opinions and judgement's because I do deserve them for the awful things that I've done. I'm sorry if everything wasn't very clear and thank you for allowing me to post about this.