Lies

Hello,

I've been diagnosed with severe bipolar 2 and OCD years ago. My past includes suicide attempts and countless lies I still beat myself over, mainly for attention. The guilt consumes me at times. I've only been terrified of admitting lies because I'd have lost friends, jobs and more. I sometimes feel I almost can't control it. I feel lonely and scared constantly. I'm treating my illness on and off and still, sometimes it's not enough. I've been having different jobs for years now (over a decade) and I love to work. I love being around people. Though often the jobs are unsatisfying or worse. I was never laid off before (except once for something that was my fault and I did admit, but I was later rehired because my father new the boss and both felt I was mistreated without warning)

I'm loud about my illness and in my current job people say they're liberal and supportive, but in reality at times of stress my behaviour occasionally led to questionable behaviour towards colleagues. I always apologised later but some never forgave me. I've been suffering from stigma and prejudice from numerous people in the building for the whole time I've been there (a few years). Managers supported others and I was often accused for things, some of which I really didn't do and for some I explained my behaviour.
This time I had a meeting where they said they're considering letting me go but want to hear my side. They told me two separate things I'm being accused of (both are correct, one is personal but in the workplace - between me and a colleague, the other is criminal according to them, but legally it isn't, it was just extremely exaggerated. A new rule they're enforcing that many many others don't follow or at least, didn't follow at the time) but they blew both out of proportion both of them. It sounded they're looking for a reason to let me go as they're aware of my illness and have been listening to others for years now. It's important to say that unlike others in my field, I also received several other opportunities because I tend to draw attention.. those weren't due to my actual managers and some of the others in my field were quite jealous and resentful because of it.

They refuse to listen to those who truly know and love me and only take negative into account. I felt I had to lie and object to the accusations entirely, but then they said there's been other complaints, refusing to tell me by who or what (and I can't think of anything else bad I ever did other than my behavioural problems that haven't happened in a long time and I always confessed to). I explained there's a lot of negativity towards me due to previous issues and my illness and a lot of false accusations (which is true), and they said they find it hard to believe SO many will complain (but again, didn't tell me who). I explained it only takes one then they spread like wildfire.
They said they'll take what I said into account and will get back to me. But I know they're looking for more proof of the accusations (and I'm terrified people they'll use them to support the exaggerations too) other than word of mouth. Again, without talking to people on my side.

I do feel I've never been treated fairly there. I wanted positive attention for years and worked extremely hard but never ever got recognition from it from upper management. I knew it was a bad environment for me to spend a lot of time in and have been looking for other jobs and yet to find one. It's very hard here. And I'm alone except when I'm at work though trying to meet others (also very hard to meet people outside of work since everyone is busy). They say I should leave cos of how bad the place makes me feel but the alternative is much much worse. All my friends are there and I could be left fighting for my life and financial survival.

I know I lied to keep my job. I feel absolutely awful for it and beating myself daily. I believe in karma and it's why I always try to help others. I'm liberal and I exhibit love for all people. I'm also very good at my actual job and put myself on the line.
To be fair, I heard other bad things done there and complaints passed but they don't acknowledge them and this feels like they just waited for a chance..

I know this is long and may not earn replies but I needed to say it. I'm completely lost. I love that place regardless of this situation and everything else and I also want to stay in this industry no matter what.

Thank you if you reached this line!

It sounds like it has been a very stressful time for you. Personally I think the best policy is to be honest. Though you say you have been unable to find work elsewhere you mentioned "several other opportunities". Were these job offers?

Do you ever see your work friends outside of work? Have you ever asked them whether they want to go to the cinema or bowling or round your house? This could help.

sprock wrote:It sounds like it has been a very stressful time for you. Personally I think the best policy is to be honest. Though you say you have been unable to find work elsewhere you mentioned "several other opportunities". Were these job offers?

Do you ever see your work friends outside of work? Have you ever asked them whether they want to go to the cinema or bowling or round your house? This could help.

The other opportunities were one short contract position which I had last year (but it was a temporary job) and then a few opportunities where I was trained in different areas of the same job.. so unfortunately, no more job offers.
I did, indeed, lose my job over this. I was told yesterday. I'm devastated because it means I'm extremely alone and with bad finances (though, in a sense, at least I feel more balanced out, like I got a sort of punishment for all the bad I've done.. but I'm not sure I truly deserved something this bad). But I've been applying for all jobs and I'm sure I'll get one soon
As for friends - I always do suggest meeting up outside work. But I know how that workplace is - it's big and consuming and people just tend to hang out there when they finish, together, and then leave very late. I won't be able to drag many people out and so I won't be seeing my friends too often. I met up with one today just because she needed to buy shoes so I said I'll walk with her. It was literally all we did..

Sorry to read that. I hope this can be a fresh beginning for you. It is scary to not have financial stability. Could you do temp work in the meantime? Otherwise, is there anything you could do from home?