The biggest thing that I've noticed on the remorse forums and other forums in general are that a lot of people who are going through a tough time, beat themselves up over mistakes they made before the age of 20 or so. I'm not saying at all that my case is worse or anything, because we're all here to deal with our personal demons. But the problem I'm having is that I think that I would be able to accept myself more if I had done these things before I was an adult. I know that sounds stupid and not really remorseful, but what I mean is that it bothers me so much that these things that I did, I did until the age of 26. I was an immature, manipulative, angry, person who blamed other people for his problems.
I tell myself that maybe I was just a slow developer or a million different other excuses, but the truth is that. They're all excuses in my eye(my excuses I mean), whether it's OCD, Anxiety Porn/Masturbation Addiction, the treatment of people in my life etc. Maybe they're just all excuses. I'm very fortunate to have even come across self awareness in my life, I just hate that it happened so late because I really do feel like I don't deserve any happiness. If I get complimented or something positive, I tell myself I don't deserve it and I have instant regrets. If everyone only knew of the monster that I feel like I am, they wouldn't want to be around me. It gets so bad when I'm around the woman with whom I madly in love with. I worry about things like "What would she think of me if she found out what a deviant I used to be?" Or "If I was ever with her, I worry I would bring shame and make her realize that she wasted her life with a sick loser." It feels like there are two people inside my head. There's the guy who was there for the first 26 years of my life and then there's this new guys who's only been around for 2 years who wants to be a good person because he always dreamed of being a "heroic" or "noble" person and he can never be those things because of his past behaviors.
I'm not trying to say my case is worse than anyone's or anything like that. I just want to know if I can ever, or if I deserve, to be happy because of these things. I know I say this all of the time and I appreciate the posters on here who have helped me in this past, but if you don't know me and want to see what I'm talking about just look through my old posts. Thank you for allowing me to vent and post my internal struggles.