Can I forgive my actions as an adult?

The biggest thing that I've noticed on the remorse forums and other forums in general are that a lot of people who are going through a tough time, beat themselves up over mistakes they made before the age of 20 or so. I'm not saying at all that my case is worse or anything, because we're all here to deal with our personal demons. But the problem I'm having is that I think that I would be able to accept myself more if I had done these things before I was an adult. I know that sounds stupid and not really remorseful, but what I mean is that it bothers me so much that these things that I did, I did until the age of 26. I was an immature, manipulative, angry, person who blamed other people for his problems.

I tell myself that maybe I was just a slow developer or a million different other excuses, but the truth is that. They're all excuses in my eye(my excuses I mean), whether it's OCD, Anxiety Porn/Masturbation Addiction, the treatment of people in my life etc. Maybe they're just all excuses. I'm very fortunate to have even come across self awareness in my life, I just hate that it happened so late because I really do feel like I don't deserve any happiness. If I get complimented or something positive, I tell myself I don't deserve it and I have instant regrets. If everyone only knew of the monster that I feel like I am, they wouldn't want to be around me. It gets so bad when I'm around the woman with whom I madly in love with. I worry about things like "What would she think of me if she found out what a deviant I used to be?" Or "If I was ever with her, I worry I would bring shame and make her realize that she wasted her life with a sick loser." It feels like there are two people inside my head. There's the guy who was there for the first 26 years of my life and then there's this new guys who's only been around for 2 years who wants to be a good person because he always dreamed of being a "heroic" or "noble" person and he can never be those things because of his past behaviors.

I'm not trying to say my case is worse than anyone's or anything like that. I just want to know if I can ever, or if I deserve, to be happy because of these things. I know I say this all of the time and I appreciate the posters on here who have helped me in this past, but if you don't know me and want to see what I'm talking about just look through my old posts. Thank you for allowing me to vent and post my internal struggles.

If it helps I relate to your post here *a lot*. As a mod I often feel like most people who post here were kids when they committed the action they feel remorse over. I wasn't either. I was 21. And I still don't know whether full self-forgiveness is possible. I do think that you have to let go - just a little bit - of the idea of "deserving" being everything and also learn to think in degrees. The road to redemption is a never-ending journey. A little light can be let in day by day. It's bloody hard, but at the end of the day, nothing like dealing with trauma that was wholly forced upon you and we have been *gifted* by being led to self-awareness. So let's not let that go to waste!

I just wish I could get to that point of being allowed to feel self-worth. I honestly want to stay away from people because I feel like once they discover who I truly am, it'll be easier on me because I won't have much of a relationship with them anymore.

As always Sprock, you're doing wonderful work on this site and you keep pushing forward as well man. You're a good man and you're being truly selfless by helping people on the forums. Thank you.

Thank you for your kind words although I am not being truly selfless - I think generally there are lots of reasons why we do something. Partly I help here because I simply want to put more good back into the word (which is a selfless reason) and because my victim asked me to do something productive with my anxious energies (a selfless reason); but partly it is because it sometimes blunts the edge of my guilt (which is a selfish reason). Also, I am not a good person. Like you, I am a perpetrator and absolutely no better than you! But, like you, I am a person. There is good in me, as there is good in you. Since we cannot undo the past (however much we tear our hair out wishing that we could) all we can do is honour the wishes of those we have hurt, whenever possible, try to be accountable, and be better human beings.

I agree with you, I guess I should've been more correct in saying that you have good intentions which you clearly do. I completely agree with you about owning up to actions and not blaming others for things that we have done. I have the same mindset about things as you because I feel like I should absolutely feel guilt and deserve to be punished. My fear just comes from being found out and realizing that my whole life I was never the person I thought I was. I'm trying not to be melodramatic, but the person I hurt the most with these actions was myself and I can't forgive myself and it's why I wish I could sleep and not wake up because I'm too much of a coward to face the world.

I guess one needs to make peace with being "found out" - I try to live as honestly as I can - if sometime in the future I end up experiencing more concrete repercussions I will absolutely accept them. I guess, personally speaking, I feel like having offered twice to turn myself into the authorities and having also spoken to the British police, as well as being open about what I did online and in person with friends and family, I have done all I can sensibly do on that count. At the end of the day, it's not up to me to punish myself - though I have an obligation to meet punishment with good graces if it does come.

There's lots in your post I relate to. When I talk to shop assistants I still feel guilt in the pit of my stomach when they smile at me. I hate lying through omission. But meditation has helped with worrying less about who the "real" or the "true" me is - everyone contains multitudes. I read an interesting part of a Joseph Campbell book this morning in which he quotes a guru he has visited. He notes that, even if you have a really constant inner voice in your head, there must be a point at which one thought stops and a new one begins. There is this gap in consciousness. During this gap where does "you" go?

Realistically I think I'm in the same place as you and most other posters here, NoTrevelyan... but I think over the last 5 years the walls of that room have gotten a little bit further apart, if that makes sense? Like, I have a little more distance. I don't think it is necessarily healthy or realistic to aim to be rid of guilt - guilt itself is not a bad thing - but that guilt can start to feel a bit more constructive and a bit less destructive.

I'm struggling to articulate what I mean to say, sadly. Basically, try to sit with these feelings and not enter into a state of panic. Even damaged life goes on. And you have the right to life.