I continued the cycle of sexual abuse

I have already posted in this forum but wanted to post again to see if I could get as much help as possible. I have been through so much and continue to hate myself so deeply. I was sexually abused by my aunt at the age of eleven. I was so scared and terrified and she wasn't the only one i was abused by, I was also abused by my father who would fondle my private parts in the middle of the night. I only realized now what had happened and am reeling from it. I told my mother about my sexual abuse and she told me that I deserved it and that it was a punishment. My mother then proceeded to try and kill herself and then she told me that if she succeeded that I wouldn't miss her.Fast forward 2-3 years when I'm 13/14 and I experienced my first orgasm and was curious and decided to do the worst possible thing and grind against my 5 yr old sister's leg and make out with her. I would mainly just kiss (not justifying it just explaining), this only occurred 2-4 times. I also asked her to touch my vagina but that only occurred once. I would love to act like my actions were just experimentation but the age difference says otherwise. I hate myself truly. I will not commit suicide because I have already tried in the past and that did me no good. But I can honestly say I have lost my will to live and am just waiting to die. I am no better than my dad and aunt. I deserve to die and hope it happens soon.

-- Thu Jun 08, 2017 9:46 am --

Re: I have already told my parents and sister what I did. They are disgusted with me which is understandable.

You were just a kid It really isn't fair to yourself to say that you are just the same as your dad and aunt. You are also a survivor and an adult exploiting a child is simply not the same as a confused and hurting child doing something that was, yes, wrong, but clearly coming from a damaged and troubled place. Please, please, please be kinder to yourself. In truth it sounds like you need some distance from your family full stop... is that possible for you?

Thank you sprock for reading it without judgement. However I cannot leave my home because of financial circumstances but I am working very hard to get out of here. I hope it is soon because I cannot live with my mother anymore. I fear she may be the death of me but I have no choice but to stay for the time being.

I hope it is soon too. I am sure it will help.

Do you have any periods at work where you get caught up in the work itself and forget your guilt for at least a moment?

It's been easier to lose myself in work but it is still a nagging pain in the back of my mind. I get so anxious all the time and I don't trust myself much less anyone else and I am just on a downward spiral and hope it gets better soon.

For what it is worth, I relate to this of late. I've also been trying hard to lose myself in work.

I am 20 and honestly cannot see myself getting better and am honestly considering turning myself into the police or killing myself.

I know you are struggling at the moment but 20 is still young. If you kill yourself you lose the change forever of putting good back into the world. Please hold on! I've sent a message to your inbox in reply to your PM

I was honestly going through a depression episode and overreacted a bit. Thank you for listening and responding despite all this.

No problem! It's my job here and I'm happy to be able to do it