Boyfriend charged with Harassment, I started it

Hello all

The last time I posted things were going a lot beer than they are now. I have firm reason to believe I am being affected by BPD- and am trying to get referred to a psychologist for an EVAL before I flip my lid. Anyway, recently, my boyfriend and I broke up. On that day, I went to his house to retrieve my things. Unfortunately, I initiated a physical altercation with him. This was not the first time- I often resort to hitting or screaming when I feel I'm not being heard, or I feel someone has no problem walking away from me/forgetting about me. So, whenever I start physical fights with him, it always comes back on me ten-fold. On this day in particular, we got into about three separate scuffles within half an hour. I was black and blue, and he managed to split my lip open. He choked me to the point I was actually afraid for my life. I was given an EOP (emergency order of protection) and I was not charged because of comparative injury policy. I am ridden with guilt, as he was charged with harassment as well as criminal obstruction of breathing (because in my statement I explained that my throat literally felt crushed). I have a therapist who understands my feelings of grief, but it is invading every aspect of my life.

Is there any possible chance of my diagnosis shedding some light on the legal situation? Can I do ANYTHING? I feel afraid to talk to the DA...I was told that if I say I want to go easy on him now, I can be potentially charged as well. I don't want him to have these charges. I don't even want the EOP. I do not want to be with him, but cannot stop crying, cannot feel okay. I am supposed to meet with HIS lawyer to try and explain myself. I am afraid that the police/DA/judge will think this is a classic case of a battered woman wanting to save her boyfriend from the system---when in reality I am the initiator. I understand that he too had a choice in fighting back as hard as he did, let alone at all, but I feel like I cannot talk to anyone about this besides my therapist. My friends and family will not come to terms with the fact that I may have deeper psychological issues going on and refuse to believe I am the one who started this altercation. I am the one who started every altercation. I cannot let him walk away from me, ever. It begins with a tug on the shirt, then he asks me to step back, and I can for about 30 seconds, until I wonder what he's doing in the other room and then, the rest is obvious I guess.

Please, any opinion is more than welcome. I feel as though I'm drowning. I live in the state of New York by the way, incase anyone has experience with the legal aspect of this, as it varies from state to state.

-M

Sorry to read that the situation has become so screwed up.

I think the only thing you can do really is be as honest as possible and have as little contact with your (ex?)boyfriend as possible.

Hopefully someone else can offer advice s to legal aspects in your state. I am sorry I can't be of more help.

sprock wrote::( Sorry to read that the situation has become so screwed up.

I think the only thing you can do really is be as honest as possible and have as little contact with your (ex?)boyfriend as possible.

Hopefully someone else can offer advice s to legal aspects in your state. I am sorry I can't be of more help.

Thanks, Sprock.
Yes, ex boyfriend. We are bound by law not to talk, so I've got that part down pat. Even though it wasn't a life changing reply, it was still a reply and is much more helpful than no reply...I just feel as though I am trapped in a bubble where nobody believes I am the initiator, everyone looks at me and sees a victim. It is hard to stand alone here. I appreciate your reply so, so much.

I'm sorry you're having a difficult time.

I don't know if talking to a lawyer (not the DA) will help, but he may be able to counsel you on the legal questions that you have. Hopefully you can get your eval completed before any discussion with a lawyer or the DA, so that perhaps the legal system sees that you have voluntarily sought an eval and are receiving treatment for what you know are psychological issues that drove the altercation between you and your ex.

There is one other thing that I find troubling, and that's your ex, as a male knowing with his brute strength that gives him the physical advantage over a woman's, did not refrain from hitting back and then choking you. He also has some issues with anger management and violence, which have as its basis a deeper reason going back perhaps to how he was raised in his family and how he saw his parents interact with one another. Some dysfunctional families/couples condone domestic violence, but unfortunately the legal system doesn't favor the male, as the majority of reported domestic violence or assault cases involve male perpetrators, regardless of the fact that it was the woman who started the altercation. (I once sat as a jury member on an assault case, and the situation was similar to yours, except that the woman got her face cut with broken glass and that she has a child by him.)

I know that this fact isn't going to assuage your guilt over knowing that you started the altercation and that you don't want to feel like you're the victim in this situation. The problem here is that your ex escalated it with his physical advantage, when he could have just walked away and out of a potentially explosive situation. He knew your triggers.

realityhere wrote:I know that this fact isn't going to assuage your guilt over knowing that you started the altercation and that you don't want to feel like you're the victim in this situation. The problem here is that your ex escalated it with his physical advantage, when he could have just walked away and out of a potentially explosive situation. He knew your triggers.

reality,

I appreciate your words. I am struggling because I am an extremely black and white thinker. I fully understand and agree with your statement about him knowing my triggers, thank you. I know that his family is a very "unique" one, in which there is not much love. I do not have doubts that he has witnessed similar things. I, too have seen my own parents fist-fight. We are one in the same, and it devastates me. I know he is being enrolled in an anger management program, and I am awaiting my eval- I am going to be talking to the DA eventually...I do not want him to get off scott-free, but I do not want him in jail...It feels like I am entangled in a spider's web trying to deal with all of the complexities of the situation...

It's understandable that if one thinks in black/white mode, it would be difficult to understand a muddied and complicated situation like this one, as it has possible legal ramifications. No one is going to be able to predict the outcome in advance. But like I said earlier, consulting with a lawyer well versed in domestic violence casework may be able to prepare you for several different outcomes, based on what you say or don't say. Just please don't omit details for the sake of protecting someone else, you need to consider your protection first.

Once you talk to the DA, they will determine whether charges should be filed or not. You won't have much choice about the decision, once it's in their hands.

realityhere wrote:Just please don't omit details for the sake of protecting someone else, you need to consider your protection first.

Once you talk to the DA, they will determine whether charges should be filed or not. You won't have much choice about the decision, once it's in their hands.

Thank you very, very much <3