Hello all
The last time I posted things were going a lot beer than they are now. I have firm reason to believe I am being affected by BPD- and am trying to get referred to a psychologist for an EVAL before I flip my lid. Anyway, recently, my boyfriend and I broke up. On that day, I went to his house to retrieve my things. Unfortunately, I initiated a physical altercation with him. This was not the first time- I often resort to hitting or screaming when I feel I'm not being heard, or I feel someone has no problem walking away from me/forgetting about me. So, whenever I start physical fights with him, it always comes back on me ten-fold. On this day in particular, we got into about three separate scuffles within half an hour. I was black and blue, and he managed to split my lip open. He choked me to the point I was actually afraid for my life. I was given an EOP (emergency order of protection) and I was not charged because of comparative injury policy. I am ridden with guilt, as he was charged with harassment as well as criminal obstruction of breathing (because in my statement I explained that my throat literally felt crushed). I have a therapist who understands my feelings of grief, but it is invading every aspect of my life.
Is there any possible chance of my diagnosis shedding some light on the legal situation? Can I do ANYTHING? I feel afraid to talk to the DA...I was told that if I say I want to go easy on him now, I can be potentially charged as well. I don't want him to have these charges. I don't even want the EOP. I do not want to be with him, but cannot stop crying, cannot feel okay. I am supposed to meet with HIS lawyer to try and explain myself. I am afraid that the police/DA/judge will think this is a classic case of a battered woman wanting to save her boyfriend from the system---when in reality I am the initiator. I understand that he too had a choice in fighting back as hard as he did, let alone at all, but I feel like I cannot talk to anyone about this besides my therapist. My friends and family will not come to terms with the fact that I may have deeper psychological issues going on and refuse to believe I am the one who started this altercation. I am the one who started every altercation. I cannot let him walk away from me, ever. It begins with a tug on the shirt, then he asks me to step back, and I can for about 30 seconds, until I wonder what he's doing in the other room and then, the rest is obvious I guess.
Please, any opinion is more than welcome. I feel as though I'm drowning. I live in the state of New York by the way, incase anyone has experience with the legal aspect of this, as it varies from state to state.
-M