Can't let go of my awful past.

I'm at that point where I feel like I'm going to break and my anxiety has decided that I'm not allowed to ever be happy. Maybe that's true and it's honestly what I deserve for my past actions. I know that I need to talk to a therapist, but like I've mentioned in some of my previous posts there aren't any in my area.

This post is going to be all over the place and I apologize ahead of time, but I've got to get it out of my system because I feel like I'm at a breaking point. For the past year and a half I've had what has felt like self awareness giving me a swift kick in the face and this is my punishment for the sins I've committed. I'm only self diagnosing, but I think that I do suffer from OCD, Anxiety, and Depression and it's been brought on by my addictions throughout life. Addiction runs strongly in my family and I'm not using that as an excuse for my actions. I've been addicted to caffeine, which I cut out 8 years ago, I'm a binge eater and I deal with my weight all of the time, but the results that are making me feel the worst stems from my addiction to masturbating. It has led me down some dark paths into being confused about what I'm attracted to, when I know in my heart all I've ever wanted was to be with a woman who I loved and she loved me as much and we built a strong relationship with one another and helped each other grow as people.

It's like I can't allow myself to be happy and once I get over one thing that's keeping me down, I move right onto the next thing that causes me extreme distress and self hatred. This time it's for something that I did with my ex girlfriend about five years ago. I was about 23-24 at the time and she and I were in a long distance relationship and we had phone sex quite a bit which involved dirty talk. I was extremely perverted with our sex talk, but I never thought twice about it at the time. Well one night she had been out with a friend and she had come home drunk and she called me. I was sober and we started doing it again, which I shouldn't have because she was drunk, and I tried to talk her into/manipulate her into fooling around with her friend that had fallen asleep on her couch. She said that she went over there and patted her in that area but that was all she was going to do, which is sexual assault. I don't think she actually did it and she told me that because I was being so pushy about it, but that didn't stop me from wanting to act out the fantasy.

Of course I felt no remorse at the time because I was just being the sick perverted manipulative person that I was. Fast forward to today and just to give everyone info, my ex-girlfriend and I are on good terms and she's never really brought that up to me, its just something that happened to pop into my mind and has caused me instant distress. It's like my mind won't allow me to be happy and maybe this is pure punishment for the deviant that I've been in the past. I don't know how much more of this I can take because it's like my mind won't shut up and allow me to focus or forgive myself, but I know i don't deserve forgiveness and I just don't know how to proceed with things.

-- Tue May 09, 2017 7:35 pm --

I'm sorry for my post, I just feel very hopeless right now. Like I'm never going to be able to move on with my life and find real happiness.

You don't need to apologise for posting. Would it reassure you if you spoke about this to your ex- and she told you that she didn't do anything?

To a degree I think you need to "let go of letting go", if that makes any sense. It is hard feeling guilty and feeling cut off from happiness. But it is a life and I think with time you will be able to find more moments of relative peace. Have you tried much meditation?