I read many posts on here knowing what they did and feeling remorseful about abuse they knew they committed. But my problem is different and very scary, its that I do not know if I did it or not, and the uncertainty is killing me. ):
When I was 13 years old my younger cousin who was 6 at the time was sitting next to me with a blanket over the both of our legs. Our whole family was watching television at the time. I remember getting a really stupid idea to move my hand as close to her privates as a could. (I remember that much). Then as I was sitting I slid my hand in her general direction on the bottom of the couch. My hand moved until I hit the side of her leg, or side of thigh (Not near privates). She then moved her hand toward mine and held it, (I think she thought I wanted to hold her hand). Once she held my hand I thought what the heck am I doing and I moved my hand away immediately. A day later I remember trying the same thing but this time she was laying next to me in bed. I moved my hand towards her sliding it closer and then I hit her leg or thigh again under the blanket (Again I have no memory of me thinking I hit her privates). Again the same thing happened as she moved her hand toward mine. At that moment I remember saying to myself "you are totally stupid NEVER do this again.
Here is what I know:
I just remember thinking after the first time that I did not do it so that's why I tried to do it again. I remember the second time thinking that I did not come close. But I am very very sure I have ocd so this is absolutely HAUNTING me. I full on am questioning if I actually did it and I am misremembering things on purpose.
But heres the main thing that gives me confidence, I was never worried about this for 6 years and never was worried she would tell anyone I tried this because I was positive I did not come close and she could not have come to that conclusion just from me touching her leg or side. This worry only came when my ruminating started, and I would exaggerate everything.
Any advice someone can give me about this would help alot! ): This feeling is the worst.