Guilt over childhood actions .

Recently I've been encountering guilt that follows me everywhere after remembering what I did as a child

I've been recently searching up about this topic and I've seen other people that are dealing with the same . Its most likely that I've developed OCD and low self-esteem over what occured along time ago . So , here it goes..

I was 7 , I know that its common for children to get involved with sexual expirementation . I suppose that its normal because children can develop curiosity in topics that aren't discussed until they reached a much older age .

So in 1st grade , I met this girl and we became friends . We chased each other around the playground , as the year passed I began to tell her to lower her pants and I would end up touching what was exposed . Sometimes I would even look at it . Later in the year I stopped . I don't remember what happened much in that year but it stopped . I felt like there was something inside of me that was developing and it resulted me in having the urge of doing what I just mentioned . However I saw her again in 3rd grade , we didn't conversate much because we had different classes and I sat with different people on the bus . She remembered me but still seemed the same . There was no force or penetration involved in what happened in 1st grade .

The second time , my mom would be at work so I had to stay with this kid and his little sister until she came to pick me up from the babysitter and go home . The boys sister was probably 3 or 4 at the time , I never had those same urges before but one day .. Me and the sister were in the room where they had toys , out of nowhere I removed the diaper and touched what was exposed before I placed the diaper on again . I did it twice on that day , the mother saw me and she said not to touch her like that . She didn't yell or do anything , just told me not to touch her like that . Once again there was no penetration or force involved .

After that , I never did it again . I'm 16 now . For 9 years I've been clean from commiting this action , seems as if nothing brings relief because I feel ashamed and disgusted at myself . I can't even eat much , conversate with my friends or text . I just keep feeling that guilt stab me from the inside .

I have good friends and good parents , I don't feel like I deserve them . I feel like I scarred them , I witnessed blogs in where children touching other peers private parts is part of sexual expirementation . I still feel like the worst person ever..

Right now , I have conduct . I rarely get in trouble at home and school , I don't consider myself boyfriend material because I don't have much of a relationship life as well . I've had girls crush on me in the past but I wasn't interested in getting involved in a relationship .

I don't think the guilt is ever going to go away , I think later on as I become a adult , I will consider getting a therapist but right now.. I have to endure the guilt because it is what I deserve.

-- Wed Apr 26, 2017 5:53 am --

I've just realized something élse as well , I was curious how a females body looked beneath the clothing . I still feel ashamed however , I thought I was going to be a normal kid but turns out I was wrong . I regret not apologizing to her in 3rd grade , I never saw her again after that..

To me this definitely sounds within the realm of sexual experimentation - certainly so in the first case and due to your very young age and the absolute lack of intent I do not believe the second case should be considered assault or something you need to feel guilty about. You were a very young child. Indeed, you are really still a kid yourself - maybe when you turn 18 you can draw a line in the sand under 'child you' and start afresh as an adult?