I hate myself so much I want to kill myself

I am 18 and a freshman at college. I have been feeling an intense feeling of hatred everytime I see myself. I hate my physical look and the way I am in general. I feel and look hideos to the point I can't stand to see my reflection in the mirror. I always have the urge to break the mirror when I see my reflection.

I also hate the way I act. I am extremely socially akwrad and I try my best everytime to breal out of my shell but I end up making an epic fool of myself without fail, somehow or another. I do have a few close friends, like 1 or 2. I also have this dark thoughts of wanting to kill myself but am still sane to not do it. I just imagine hurting myself when I do like banging my body at a wall so hard that it shatters all of my bone in my body and my veins will explode and cause internal bleeding and thus a painful and tragic death. I don't know why but I constantly think that way to make me feel slightly better with my existense. I also feel that I should not have been born. No one in my family actually said this things to me but everywhere I go i feel like a tremendous burden to everyone which is why I usually don't ask for anything unless I HAVE to. No one said I should die or anything and if they did I could tell it was just a joke but now, I feel like everyone somehow hates me and wants me dead deep down inside them. Like, when they say " Hey, wanna hang ou?" I feel like they were forced to do this just so they don't feel guilty towards themself. You know what I mean? Ugh... I am a shitload of problem but I just want to know what may be causing all this negative thoughts.

Ps. I was never abused by my family and was only bullied when I was 7 to 9 years old. And sorry for rambling like a bloody attention seeker, I just needed this.

I don't think you are attention seeking. Bullying can have long term consequences, but there may be other reasons for your low self-esteem. Make sure you keep in close contact with your friends - often having a tiny handful of friends offers more than having a whole host of friendly acquaintances. If you watch British comedy, especially a series like Peep Show, I think it becomes apparent how many, many people can relate to being a social screw-up. It might not make it any easier, but you certainly are not alone.

Have you tried counselling/ therapy?