HELP ME. Becoming an Abusive Girlfriend- *TW*

Hello,

I am 20 years old. My boyfriend and I have been together for about three years [collectively]. We separated last June and began speaking again this December. We broke up mostly because my parents were sure I was being beaten- but this was far from the case.

Walking away last summer, I thought of him as abusive. I was unable to take responsibility for the fact that I started all of our physical and verbal blowouts. Even so, our breakup left us both voided. He began drinking heavily, and I was doing a lot of irresponsible things like cocaine and other stimulants, along with constantly partying. I detested him, or so I thought- we had 0 contact for those months apart and I liked it that way. One day, a mutual friend informed me of his drinking. I was told he was frequently drinking and driving, and just constantly had a drink in his hand. Upon hearing this, I felt something. I tried to stop myself, and even had people tell me not to, but I reached out to him. Not long after that, we agreed to meet- no expectations on either side. He showed up drunk, and I scolded him to no end. From where we met, I walked him to my house. I nursed him back to sobriety and made sure he was okay to drive back home in the morning.

We gelled instantly. I couldn't keep myself from smiling. The lustre did not last all that long. My parents strongly disliked him, and caught me with him a few times. They threatened to cut all ties with me, and leave me financially on my own. I still snuck around with him. Yesterday, to my surprise, my family invited him over for Easter dinner. I was beyond amazed, and felt on top of the world- until today. We got into an argument over something stupid, and I went to his house. When we argue, I cannot walk away. I am in therapy, and have been for about 3 months now. I see progress but then I crush it with my actions. To keep it short, our arguments end in me slapping him or punching him in the face. Typing this embarrasses and nauseates me. Today I gave him a bloody nose. He does retaliate in order to restrain me and has slapped me in return before. I can feel myself pulling him into my vicious cycle. After this, I cry a lot and beg not to be left alone. I feel regretful and walk away, steeping in my misery. But once he comes into the room, or goes to leave, I instantly feel myself anger again. I go from apologizing and crying to hurling more accusations and being a pest. I cannot stand this. I cannot stop myself. I go to therapy and bawl my eyes out because I feel like a failure- this person feels like the love of my life. I often wonder if I would do this to somebody else, or if the relationship is a flop. This is my way of denying my actions. Recently, he called me abusive and it really hit me. After this, things were crystal clear. But once another fight happens, and I run out of ways to get my emotions out, I am swinging. I feel like a complete POS and don't know what to do. How do I stop this?!?!?

-- Mon Apr 17, 2017 1:04 pm --

I think this was the straw that broke the camel's back. I do not think he can forgive me anymore.

I think the first break up was the sign it wasn't working together. I think anger management would be a good idea, though maybe you are already addressing this in your therapy? Sadly it does sound like the relationship is toxic for the both of you. You are behaving in an ugly, violent way which leaves you feeling ashamed. You both need to step away from this relationship IMHO.

sprock wrote:I think the first break up was the sign it wasn't working together. I think anger management would be a good idea, though maybe you are already addressing this in your therapy? Sadly it does sound like the relationship is toxic for the both of you. You are behaving in an ugly, violent way which leaves you feeling ashamed. You both need to step away from this relationship IMHO.

Thank you for your thoughts. I feel as if I cannot let go of the hope, and don't know what to do. I tried to pack up some of my things earlier, but he would not let me. I said if he wanted to end things then please let me take my stuff- he resisted. I walked away, and he went to work. I feel so low for what I've done, and wish it were as easy as it sounds to let it go. I think I have terrible denial & am afraid to resume my toxic behavior upon being single.

It is hard not to want to hold onto the beautiful and happy times in a relationship, but it is also worth being realistic about the point a relationship has got to. From personal experience (and I know this is a generalisation) if you've already gone through one break-up and got back together again, if the problems have not gone away, then the relationship isn't working. It sucks and it feels crushing, but it is what it is, I think.

(obviously this is just my opinion on the matter - ultimately the choice is up to you)

sprock wrote:It is hard not to want to hold onto the beautiful and happy times in a relationship, but it is also worth being realistic about the point a relationship has got to. From personal experience (and I know this is a generalisation) if you've already gone through one break-up and got back together again, if the problems have not gone away, then the relationship isn't working. It sucks and it feels crushing, but it is what it is, I think.

(obviously this is just my opinion on the matter - ultimately the choice is up to you)

Thanks <3 much appreciated