Hello,
I am 20 years old. My boyfriend and I have been together for about three years [collectively]. We separated last June and began speaking again this December. We broke up mostly because my parents were sure I was being beaten- but this was far from the case.
Walking away last summer, I thought of him as abusive. I was unable to take responsibility for the fact that I started all of our physical and verbal blowouts. Even so, our breakup left us both voided. He began drinking heavily, and I was doing a lot of irresponsible things like cocaine and other stimulants, along with constantly partying. I detested him, or so I thought- we had 0 contact for those months apart and I liked it that way. One day, a mutual friend informed me of his drinking. I was told he was frequently drinking and driving, and just constantly had a drink in his hand. Upon hearing this, I felt something. I tried to stop myself, and even had people tell me not to, but I reached out to him. Not long after that, we agreed to meet- no expectations on either side. He showed up drunk, and I scolded him to no end. From where we met, I walked him to my house. I nursed him back to sobriety and made sure he was okay to drive back home in the morning.
We gelled instantly. I couldn't keep myself from smiling. The lustre did not last all that long. My parents strongly disliked him, and caught me with him a few times. They threatened to cut all ties with me, and leave me financially on my own. I still snuck around with him. Yesterday, to my surprise, my family invited him over for Easter dinner. I was beyond amazed, and felt on top of the world- until today. We got into an argument over something stupid, and I went to his house. When we argue, I cannot walk away. I am in therapy, and have been for about 3 months now. I see progress but then I crush it with my actions. To keep it short, our arguments end in me slapping him or punching him in the face. Typing this embarrasses and nauseates me. Today I gave him a bloody nose. He does retaliate in order to restrain me and has slapped me in return before. I can feel myself pulling him into my vicious cycle. After this, I cry a lot and beg not to be left alone. I feel regretful and walk away, steeping in my misery. But once he comes into the room, or goes to leave, I instantly feel myself anger again. I go from apologizing and crying to hurling more accusations and being a pest. I cannot stand this. I cannot stop myself. I go to therapy and bawl my eyes out because I feel like a failure- this person feels like the love of my life. I often wonder if I would do this to somebody else, or if the relationship is a flop. This is my way of denying my actions. Recently, he called me abusive and it really hit me. After this, things were crystal clear. But once another fight happens, and I run out of ways to get my emotions out, I am swinging. I feel like a complete POS and don't know what to do. How do I stop this?!?!?
-- Mon Apr 17, 2017 1:04 pm --
I think this was the straw that broke the camel's back. I do not think he can forgive me anymore.