not sure if abuse or kids being silly

Hi all,

Been having a really hard time lately from something i did approx 14 years ago and cant seem to get it off my mind and its all i think about , my partner has even started to see my downward spiral into depression

what happened when i was approx 12-13 and younger brother is 6 years younger , we were swimming in the pool one afternoon and being school holidays always left alone cause parents worked full time , what was just normal kids fighting and mucking around turned it stupid play where i had a erection and while we were playing i made my brother sit on my lap and he reached around and grabbed my erection and i guess i liked it . that all stopped and we got out the pool then i remember flashing my two younger brothers through the window and they screamed. what happened next is i called my other brother into the laundry and told him to grab my erection and it was a very awkward encounter and i said pretend it was a gear stick in a car . this all lasted about 20 seconds then we stopped and went about playing on the gaming console again and i just remember saying to him " we cant tell dad"

I have a very good relationship with this brother when we see each other at family events and when we play sports together or he has always mentioned we should go do this soon or that , so he always keen to hang out with me . but i have so much guilt about what ive done and anything that bad happens to him i feel part of the reason if he still holds onto it

everything i have read i cant seem to work out if its abuse or kids being immature even though i was much older and had hit puberty

unsure whether i should bring it up with him for an apology or just let it go i ask please for some insight cause ive tried to talk to my parents and my gf about it but cant seem to get the words out even when its on my mind , its only been on my mind 24/7 for 2 months i dont know how i got through life with out thinking about it often

I think it is very important to remember you were young and for you to speak to yourself about this as you would a 12/13-year-old kid. The age gap makes me uncomfortable, though I do not believe you intended anything nefarious. It might, in this case, be good to apologise, but at the same time your younger sibling may have forgotten about what you did. I think I need other input here.

The important thing is that you are *not* the same person you were as a child (on a very literal, real level) and that you can move past this.

I was a little confused by your post. Are you saying that you are the middle child and another older brother was also involved?

Thank you for your reply , no i was the eldest brother at the time but the younger one wasnt involved at all