Essentially, when I was around the age of 13 (I could have been 12-14, I don't really know) I used to masturbate to weird things. Not as graceful as I'd like to put it, but unfortunately I don't think there's a real nice way of saying that

By "gross things" I specifically mean beastiality and loli/shotacon. I stopped looking at the beastiality stuff and I'm not all too bothered by it, the loli/shota is what's really been upsetting me for the past few months. I'm tearing myself up over it and it's really affected everything about me for the past few months.
loli/shotacon is, I'm gonna be blunt, drawn cp. No real kids (I may have been dumb but I'm pretty sure I knew better not to look at the real stuff). It was mostly anime (I say "mostly" because there was one image that was 3D which concerns me now and it pretty much kicked off this whole guilt spike) and featured "kids"/characters that were obviously not real. Because they weren't real, I didn't see an issue with it. I still really don't, it is gross but it's better someone look at the drawn things rather than real children being abused.
I'm very fed up with how this is affecting me. While I'm fed up, I'm also terrified. Terrified that I'll never get over this and I'll go into my 70s obsessed with the mistakes I made as a kid. I'm terrified that, as ridiculous as it sounds, someone's going to arrest me for looking at that stuff. I feel like a criminal that's just hiding from the law. I don't think looking at it is what bothered me, it's the fact that I got pleasure out of it that makes me feel like a gross criminal.
I know that kind of stuff is inappropriate and it genuinely disgusts me nowadays (I happen to stumble across it now and then) but is it something I need to be this guilty over? I've been suicidal over it and it seems very ridiculous. Am I a bad person? Am I a gross person? Did I do something super illegal/am I a criminal? Please ease my mind
