I am crippled with guilt over my actions

Hi there. This is my first post. I'm wracked with guilt and self-hate over something and I'm struggling to move on from it. It's nothing graphic or cruel, but irresponsibility that resulted in the suffering of an innocent creature. I'll give the story first, and explain what I'm dealing with now.

When I was a young teen we had dogs and fish, and I got a lizard. The first day I had her she bit me, but I liked her anyway. I was too young and careless to have a pet, and I'd frequently forget to turn on her heat lamp. Sometimes I'd forget to feed her. More than once I went away for a weekend and completely forgot about my responsibilities to her, even after I'd come back for a few hours. She was not well taken care of, and it wasn't out of an ounce of cruelty, but extreme irresponsibility, selfishness about my own stupid life as a mid-teenager and forgetfulness. Hell, sometimes I'd forget to go in to see my bed-ridden grandmother who lived with us for days as well. I was a reprehensible moron.

I would never, ever have hurt an animal on purpose (out of cruelty), in fact I got into a serious altercation with another boy when he tried to step on a baby bird in high school the same time I had her. But in my mind I was still taking care of her, even though she was probably sick and suffering and I was too stupid and selfish to realise the severity of my absent-minded neglect. I sold her when I was accepted to university at 17 to a guy who was really fond of reptiles, so I'm sure she was taken care of then. But it's bothered me ever since, and 10 years later, it's gone from 'I can't believe I did that.' to 'I would do anything to go back, change what I did, give her to someone who would take care of her properly and beat myself into a pulp'. I think about her every day, and how awful I was for not paying attention.

I know this may not sound like a big deal to some people, and to others it may very well sound huge like it does to me. But I loathe myself over this, especially now that I have a dog I got at 21, who I very successfully raised since she was a puppy and would do just about anything for. I actively care about living things greatly, and my heart is broken over my actions and I'm struggling to deal with it. I feel as though I don't deserve forgiveness and I deserve to feel this way. Maybe I do. But I could use some help on how to better deal with the feeling at least.

I apologise to her every day, even though she's nowhere near me. I feel like utter trash.

Hey stargazer!

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I promise you're not trash for all of that. You were a kid, like you said! That doesn't make it okay, but that does mean you deserve some compassion. Cut yourself some slack! I'm sure your lizard was very well taken care of when you sold her. You're very fond of animals and you have a kind heart, I can see that. You really don't have anything to feel guilty over.

Yes, I'm sure the lizard didn't do very well while you had her (you mentioned you had a heat lamp for her? That's better than most lizard owners I've seen, unfortunately) but she survived. She didn't die and she was able to live out the rest of her life happily.

Unfortunately, you can't change the past. It's awful and hard to accept, but it's true. You absolutely deserve forgiveness. I know it sounds dark, but you most likely did better with her than a large portion of small animal owners. People don't tend to treat small animals very well, I've seen. If I saw an adult treat a lizard badly I'd be enraged, but children are different. They don't really understand responsibility. It's good to start kids out with something like a plant before giving them complete responsibility over a live animal. I know you said you had dogs and etc, but I take it those were more family pets than personal ones like the lizard.

You deserve forgiveness. You were a child, it's hard to be responsible for another living creature when you're young. Personally, I don't think you have any reason to feel guilty. I'm sure you learned a good lesson from it. It's okay, humans make mistakes and we learn from them.

A good way to deal with this is to talk to yourself like you'd talk to someone else in your situation. Think about what you'd say to someone (a friend, a family member) going through the same thing, and then say it to yourself. We're very critical of ourselves, but it's not often that we're as critical with others as we are with ourselves.

I hope you start feeling better soon!

Thank you moodyblued, thanks for your wisdom and understanding. I believe you're probably right. Perhaps I just needed to hear it from an unbiased source, like.. well, like not me. I don't think I'll ever get over it completely and I'll always remember what I did, but I'll use your advice to try and pick myself up a bit and realise the circumstances of my age and mental capacity (it must have been minuscule). Perhaps I should now be focusing on the personal knowledge that I'd do anything to go back and change it, rather than the fact that I can't.

Sounds silly, but I can't tell you how thankful I am for your thoughtful reply, and for looking through it to see me for what I am today. That in itself really does help a lot, I think it's what I needed. I'll do my best to move on healthily and know that forgiving myself is alright. You're very compassionate yourself. Thanks for your help and honesty, I agree with all of it. I feel like the weight isn't off yet, but the crane has been attached and all I have to do is be brave enough to pull the lever.

PS: Adults don't even bother with heat lamps? I could start a whole other post based simply on my disappointment of the human race sometimes.

Moodyblued's reply was ace and I second all its sentiments!

-Sprock