Suicidal

Hi. I really hurt my younger cousins I tease them for fun, I bit his finger for fun I even used to smack him just for fun! I am 19 and he is only 3 I am so suicidal of my disgraceful behaviour and am 100% sure I am a sociopath I don't want to go on living being a sociopath and getting terrible urges to tease and just uncontrollable rage inside of me.... I feel SO BAD. I had my little cousins 5 days a week full time whilst my Aunty was sick and I was so mean to them. I would pull the girls hair and blame it on her brother just awful stuff I love them so much and want to be there for them but this guilt is tearing me apart I don't want to live with this and hurt people. I was hurt as a child and I don't want to ruin lives I'm so so sorry

-- Thu Mar 02, 2017 7:12 pm --

Someone PLEASE help scared I'm going to become a serial killer and I can never be helped. Don't know whether to end it

Hi,

I am sorry this is happening. Have you seen a psychiatrist or counselor? It is very important for you to seek professional help before this get's worst. It good to post here but there is only so much we can do. Are you on Medication? Again that's another reason to seek out professional help.

I want you to know we are here for you. Have a gentle hug and a soft embrace.

Amanda

Hello Courtney,

organise yourself, that you don't have to look after the children.

I even think, it is a good possibility, that you open the problem of your aggressive potential to your Aunt (or someone you consider adequate), and that you apologise to your cousins.

Of course this is delicate/embarassing, and sad. But you are starting to treat this unpleasant part of your personality in a responsible way by talking about it here. I have unpleasant parts in my personality also. And out there many have.

But the chance I see in talking and opening to your aunt, is that nothing worse happens, and this aggression doesn't go on. And I think this will be a very great success for you. But if it goes on, it will be a catastrophe for you in yourself.

Additionally, if you apologise to your cousins, then they understand, that they are valuable and their interests are valuable. This will mend some damage that can have been done to some degree.

Furthermore: I think you are entitled to aggression. You suffered yourself unjustified violence. You need to learn to cope with that pressure that you were exposed to wrongfully.

Learn self-assertion, learn all forms of self-defense, start with sensing your borders, and improving your capacity for verbal conflicts, and also negociation. And physical self-defense too.

If you are exposed to some sort of violence - communicate your border, advocate your interests, defend yourself, fight! Give the pressure back to an offender, who offends you unjustified. If we don't learn this, we will go under, I guess.

These are some topics in this context.

Of course we need to learn to deal with tensions in us, and between us and the surroundings and in the sourroundings, that we are exposed to.

Good luck to you.