unexpected remorse

I'm a woman and I recently paid an escort for sex. but the result was unexpected. now I feel anxious, i feel detached from people. And I feel like crying all the time.

I feel like I was raped.

sometimes i have nightmares and I wake up wanting to cry. There are moments when I feel shaky and panicky in public.

I need help and I don't know how to start healing from this.

Thank you for any helpful response.

I am sorry to read that you feel like that. It sounds distressing. Have you spoken to a counsellor/ therapist about what happened and how you feel?

thank you for your concern. No, I have not talked to a counselor yet. It has been 3 months since I posted this. I'd like to share that thank God things have started to get better. I've started to feel a sense of connection again to my friends and family, a sense of "belonging"-ness. The nightmares have become less frequent, but they still happen once in a while.

however, I haven't gone back to dating yet. I feel scared when men approach me. I'm not yet fully comfortable around them.

It's fine for you to take things slowly I'm glad things are slowly getting better!

It seems like in a Freudian sense you managed to go against a deeply unconscious rule in your superego that prostitution or paying for a prostitute is morally unacceptable. Good to see you're getting slowly better

It seems like in a Freudian sense you managed to go against a deeply unconscious rule in your superego that prostitution or paying for a prostitute is morally unacceptable.

Thank you so much for this. This actually makes sense to me.

I hired an escort because I wanted to be more adventurous. I felt like I've been living my life in the sidewalk scared of things unknown to me. I felt like a goodie two shoes.

It feels like the act hurt my pride. It rattled something inside of me, which is confusing because I consented to everything. I planned everything.

During the act I tried and wanted to be someone else. Some people I know do this and they look fine. So I wanted to try it and. I wanted to explore more of my sexual side. I said to him I wanted it rough and I wanted to it to feel like rape. I told him not to stop even when I said "no" already. I thought it would be fun. It was bordering sadism, I know, but it didn't go as far as getting physically hurt.

In the process, though, I was already feeling something inside me was "withdrawing."

I felt scared and alone after the act. Not exactly what I was expecting. It kinda makes me feel bad that I'm woman. I read somewhere that unlike women, men can easily move on after a sexual activity. Not sure if this is true.

What else can I do to help this "person" inside me to come back alive?

Thank you for the continued well wishes, advice, and explanations. It helps me through the process a lot.

-- Mon Jul 31, 2017 7:17 pm --

Another thing that I think is causing the internal struggle and remorse is that I feel a sense of pity for the guy for hire. I feel sad that I took advantage of his situation, his need for money. Deep inside I hope for him a better life than what he currently has. Everybody deserves a better life that having to sell your body. During our time together, in my mind I wondered what could have happened to him that led him to this kind of work. Is he happy with his decision?

I felt like I contributed to the struggle of another person.