Engulfed by remorse

Greetings to all in here from a newcomer, 24 years old.

I am writing these lines, soaked, saturated and totally devastated by my current desperate state of mind, regarding a dark secret from my past. Between the ages of 14-16 I molested my 6 years younger cousin. I remember this happening about 7-8 times, but I am afraid they might be a bit more. I've been thinking about it almost constantly from some time and I'm feeling sick, disgraceful and totally disappointed at myself and my atrocious actions. I'm trying to find a reasonable explanation and answer about my unacceptable behavior, I'm trying to find some rationale about it and I'm coming to the mere conclusion that I had been an ignorant, stupid teenager, uninformed and totally oblivious about the damage I might've caused to my cousin. My teenage years were quite normal, I am hailing from an ordinary family of two caring, humble and wonderful parents, the best ones a person could've asked for. I was never deprived of anything, I've always tried to appreciate their efforts, their sacrifices when it came to me and my well being. My cousin's family was (and still is) equally careful for me and I love them all (my aunt, my uncle and my two cousins), we're still seeing each other (they're having an incredible pet at the moment, a dog, who is driving them crazy).In the recent years, I get to see them mostly on holidays (Christmas, Easter etc.), but still we maintain some firm contact via Internet and occasional visits to each other's homes. However, I want to point out I was having (and today sometimes, especially recently) a form of depression during my teenage years. I cannot say I was an outcast in school or wherever, but I was still feeling unfit, uncomfortable with myself and my appearance. I was very skinny boy throughout my teens, I still have stutter problems, something which I've been living with since I turned 3 years of age. I am possessed almost constantly by a some significant degree of anxiety, doubt, fear of sudden changes and having new contacts with new people, although I am trying to cover these issues of mine, trying to deal with the challenges ahead. Believe me, it's very hard for me to describe what's been happening inside my mind, I'm really not the best person on the globe, when it comes to Forum typing oratory. Anyway, I wasn't seeing myself as an outcast, I've had and still have friends from various social backgrounds, circles and interests, and I am trying to cope with their atmosphere, to be looked at with respect, trust and sympathy - to be a person, who they enjoy having as a friend or acquaintance, at least. I've graduated from the university this year and at the moment I am trying to find myself a job in the area I've studied in. I am a person with various and vast areas of interests such as history (being my favorite), military history, movies, books, firearms (although I haven't shot a real gun in my life yet), nature etc. I am also spending some significant time on myself, regarding my already mentioned skinny body complex, by doing some street workout, jogging and weightlifting. I am still living with my parents, hoping that when I find decent and well-paid job I will be able to move out and start living on my own. And as for the girls in my life, everything is one big zero so far - I've never had girlfriend, some girls have caught my eye during the years, but unfortunately I didn't have the balls to go to them and ask them out. And the most annoying thing for me about that is I'm still able to talk to them, you know, just regular chattings, exchanging laughs and jokes - but that's about it. Something inside me stops me from going any further. Considering everything I've described so far, I cannot forgive myself for doing this to my cousin, I am feeling like a sick, hideous monster, a man who does not deserve to be happy, to live a decent life. In the meantime, I am feeling like a coward, the fear has conquered me entirely - fear of apologizing to my cousin, showing her I've acknowledged my wrongdoing and I am asking for forgiveness - I don't want to make her revisit this act of betrayal and feel dirty and pitiful, because I want to feel better. I am even ashamed and feeling like crap for even daring write about my molestation on the web, even though I remain anonymous.Back then I haven't had a damn clue about what "age of consent" was, I've never threatened my cousin, I was just asking her not to tell anybody and she didn't - I still knew what I was doing was wrong, I just failed to realize the potential of this abhorrent act of mine. I swear to God or whoever is up there - I am not pedophile, never watched child pornography, never has been sexually attracted to children. I admit, I was exposed to pornography probably too early in my life (I cannot remember when, with certainty) and something in my mind tells me it has to do something with the immoral acts I've committed to my cousin. She is 18 years old now, on her way to graduate from high school. Unlike her older sister, she is less chatty (a trait which is observed in her father as well), but still she has her friends, she is outgoing, she has traveled a lot abroad, works out in the gym where my older cousin is working. Yet, I am scared this is still haunting her and she is maybe having trouble finding boyfriend for herself or simply responding to that kind of signals on their part, you know what I mean. And this is because of me - because I was horny, screwed up teenager back in the days, because I wasn't aware of the grave consequences of my acts, because I don't have the guts to tell anyone of my family and friends. And this is what eats me from the inside out - when I talk to people, I feel like the most despicable liar, when I see and hear on the news about child molestation and pedophilia, I feel I cannot judge the perpetrators and I don't have the mere right to be angry at them, because of what I did. I feel like am one of them. I don't want to ruin my family and my cousin's family by admitting this aloud - I love them so much, with all my heart. I don't want to ruin her life and future, I don't want to ruin my life and future. I am shocked at the thought that I am keeping the molestation hidden from my friends and acquaintances, sometimes I just want to scream out "I MOLESTED MY COUSIN WHEN I WAS TEEN", but then I will be ostracized, insulted, beaten up, spat at. I started to feel like the best option for me is just to end it all - to put the rope around my neck, to jump off a bridge, although now, as an adult, I know this is not the the right choice. I don't know how to handle this, for real, I feel like I am a subhuman, unworthy of joy and happiness....

First off, you are not subhuman. Subhumans don't exist. Neither do monsters. You are a human being, along a spectrum with all other human beings. What you did was wrong. You were still a child yourself, but old enough to have known better. We are not, on the basic, material level of our brain's development, precisely the same human beings we were as children. The brain keeps developing until one's mid-20s. That allows you to put some distance between yourself and who you were when you committed your crimes. I am glad, also, that you are no longer suicidal and have some friends and activities outside of your anxiety.

I think it is realistic and understandable to feel some serious regret over what you did. I think that is healthy. This is not an all or nothing thing - you can continue to have a productive, even happy life, while still maintaining remorse. In the myth of Oedipus, Oedipus (filled with regret) puts out his eyes, but then he lives for many years in the desert as a wise hermit. That is to say, he is always marked by what he has done, but his life is not over and he learns from the experience - yes, he still suffers, but this is also meaning to his continued life and he is able to help others.

As for apologising to your cousin, now she has turned 18 it might be an appropriate time. Personally speaking I think if you do so you need to put yourself on the line by being willing to plead guilty in court if it came to that, but that's might just be me. At the very least, you need to not get defensive or make the apology all about you. You must also do it in a safe space where she will not feel threatened.

That said, bringing this up might not be the best course of action. I do not know your cousin. Try to work out whether you think it would cause more harm than good or vice versa. I wish you good luck.

Best,
Sprock

Thank you for your response. I feel a little bit relieved now to see I'm meeting some degree of understanding for my shameful wrongdoings - however, given your last suggestion, I think my best option is not bring it up to my cousin. I truly hope she has managed to deal with this her own way and if I try to make the apology she undoubtedly deserves, I'm gonna do more harm than good. Shivers go down my spine when I'm picturing the outcome of this in my head - my family will be beyond devastated, as will my cousin perhaps. They don't deserve that, they really don't. They don't deserve to believe they have failed with me All I can do is keep this to myself, regretting till the rest of my life about it and hoping I will be honest and have the courage if my cousin approaches me about it someday. But today, the fear and shame have conquered me entirely... . I was oblivious curious stupid teen, unaware of the consequences. I'm not a predator, I'm not a pedophile... . And if someone who has been molested is going through this post, I am very sorry for what you've had to endure and I wish you all the best - you are not at fault. Thank you once again for your thoughts.

I believe that you are not a predator nor a pedophile. As you say, you were stupid. That doesn't excuse your actions, but I think it does mean you are not marked as 'monstrous' or 'sub-human'. You were a very young human being who made a terrible mistake, which you will never repeat. All you can do is to give on going, looking yourself in the eye. I believe you can do it!

As someone who was abused as a young child, I would like to warn against staying quiet just because you think she might not remember.

Personally, I need my abuser to acknowledge what he did. I need to know he is sorry and has changed. But I know that saying something could destroy my family.

What I want more than anything is a sign from him that he knows it was wrong and is sorry. Maybe you can think of something you can say or do that would show her that, and then she can decide if she wants to talk further, or ignore it if she doesn't want to go there, or has no memory.

I treat my abuser like anyone else, partly because it was years before I realized what he had done. So your "normal" relationship might not mean she doesn't remember.

I like to think my abuser was young enough to not know better, but I don't remember how old we were. But with the age difference means I can't ignore how wrong it was. And whatever was going through his head at the time, it doesnt change the fact that what he did has made a mess of my life. I need to know he is sorry and has changed.

Thank you Treehugger. What you wrote seems like a sensible and compassionate reply and response. I think that what is necessary/ useful/ desired for one survivor may not be the same for another, which is why I would ask the OP to tread lightly. This:

What I want more than anything is a sign from him that he knows it was wrong and is sorry. Maybe you can think of something you can say or do that would show her that, and then she can decide if she wants to talk further, or ignore it if she doesn't want to go there, or has no memory

strikes me as the best way forward. Your words are much appreciated and I hope that the OP gets the chance to read them.

Many thanks,
Sprock