Can't cope with this anymore

Hello,

When I was a boy (13/14yo) I did something that it's absolutely inappropriate and shameful. I didn't harm or abused anybody in anyway possible, but it's something really stupid and deviant.It's been 12 years, and still to this day I don't understand the thought process behind it, and why i did it. I think nobody saw me doing it, no one ever talked about anything remotely close to it, but I can't be sure of that, and if I knew somebody saw me I probably couldn't live anymore, not only because of my shame, but also because of the shame my parents would feel, because they don't deserve it.

This has been haunting me for a long time, and now is getting worse and worse. I keep thinking about that since I wake till I go to sleep, and sometimes I can't even sleep. I keep thinking "what if somebody saw me" and that i'm a monster, a lunatic and I don't deserve anything in this life. This is affecting my life in all sorts of ways, I walk on the street with a feel of shame and fear.

What can i do? I feel like i ruined my life completely with that stupid act, because i will never get out that memory of my head.

If it wasn't abusive or harmful or illegal then you have no reason to feel guilty - end of. We've had posters here who have fantasized about parents; there are many people who have masturbating using unusual objects; all sorts of "strange" or "weird" thoughts or actions. But if they wren't harmful, then it's just a matter of weirdness and you really shouldn't have to feel guilty for doing something weird. Children are strange! You were a young kid. One of my friends once told me that as a young kid they tried to put their cat's tail up the cat's butt because they thought that was where it was meant to go(!) Pretty awkward and inappropriate in retrospect, but not evil, just immature and daft.