Did I abuse my cousin? HELP

Hi, I'm new to this site and I've decided to tell my story. I'm really nervous about it, as it's a forum that everyone can respond to, but...I need to know.
I'm young teenage girl. I have an preteen cousin, which I love to bones and have a normal relationship with. But recently an article triggered my memory, and I remembered my innapropriate behaviour. I've never written this anywhere but this eats me up since a week and I can't stop thinking about it.
When I was 12 and he was 6, I had a role of babysitting. He has a huge crush on me, always wanting to kiss me and stuff. I always laughed it off. But a few times, I started to tease him. I would make our faces close and then push him on bed. Then I would pretend to 'shoot him' (We were playing thieves or sth). But few times I laid on him, it always lasted no more than 10seconds, to see his reaction. I'm disgusted when I think about it. There was no moving, no, I just pretented to 'seduce' him, laid on him and then proceeded to play. I know it was awful of me and I regret it so much.. I NEVER touched/wanted to touch his private parts, but just laying on him...I'm so sick thinking about it.
I feel so guilty, started losing weight. Did I scarr him or took advantage of his innocent crush? I was diagnosed with OCD, which makes my obsessive thoughts even worse.
I have a normal relationship with him now, we still play a lot, either board games or X-Box, and during summer outside. He's always crazy to see me and my sister, which makes me feel even worse. He still wants to kiss me, but I don't allow him. I mean I never allowed him, it'd be weird. I HATE the thought that I could harm him. It lead me to thinking I was some kind of pedo, but it grosses me out so much. I don't know what to do...
[Mod Sprock: some edits as requested]

Short answer, I don't think you abused anyone.

Sexual experimentation and light play is, as far as I know, considered 'normal' amongst children. When it would overstep the bounds of childhood exploration probably depends on who you ask, but for me, given what little I've read on it, and my own childhood experiences, is that unless there's some factor that causes a power imbalance (intimidation, bullying, more than 2-3 years age difference, etc), it's not going to be abusive, in my opinion, and I feel strongly about that and hate to see people beat themselves up over it.

The only thing that would even approach concern, given what I already said, is the age difference. BUT.... and again, this is only my opinion... to me.... from my life... anyone under say, 13/14 is still very much under development (you still are as a young teen, but even more so under 13 to me) and at that age- 12/13/14- in my view a person's still coming into a greater understanding of appropriate and inappropriate behaviour, short of being told straight out by an adult, 'HEY don't do that!'....

So at that age, I'm personally quite comfortable in saying that I don't think this was abuse. You were (still are halfway even now) a child, yourself. Only beginning to make the transition you're still in, to being an adult with adult sense of propriety. You knew it wasn't entirely proper of you, because of the age difference- but see I think that moderated your behaviour- if he'd been say, within a couple or three years- you might not have felt as wrong doing it, because you knew you really shouldn't have done it. But at twelve, trust me when I say (in hindsight) that kids do stupid stuff. I did, you did, you're still going to on occasion as you grow older.... but you knew not to force anything on your cousin, you knew not to go any further, and you stopped.

As far as I'm concerned, that's the end of the story, as far as your feelings of guilt, go. I think it was mostly harmless childhood antics, the stupid stuff kids do when they're getting caught up in the adolescent years- which are pretty awkward years, sweetie! I think you can cut yourself some slack. You didn't 'make' him do anything, and you didn't (in my opinion) take advantage of him, even though you probably could have. I think you're tearing yourself up over nothing.

You mentioned he's still wanting to be close to you and kiss you... whether he's just growing into the stage where he's curious/excited over sex and girls, or actually has a crush on you, personally, just keep the age difference in mind. You're the responsible party here, as the older person in this, and until he grows into his own sense of sensibilities (as you have been demonstrating with your post) then you'll have to be the one to set boundaries. It sounds as if you have a pretty good grip on what constitutes proper behaviour on your part, however, so this is more just in the way of a reminder that it's going to be up to you, until he gets on the same page.

I really though, think you shouldn't let guilt consume you over this. Kids do crap like that all the time, sweetie. No harm's been done and I think you need to just put it down to being immature and let it go.

Thanks for your answer, Snaga.
I know it was innapropriate behaviour, and I would never do it again. But even though I know all of this, I feel like a monster. I always thought of myself as a good person and ever since 5days ago this doesn't let me function. No matter what I tell myself, I hear this voice in the back of my mind saying I'm a sick pervert and am unworthy of anyone's kindness. It's driving me insane. I can't talk to anyone about it, thought about telling my mom but she'd probably be horrified.
I love him so much, and am worried whether this had any effect on him. I feel like I'm drowning, constant guilt. {mod: minor edit}

Baby doll, there's a reason I have a picture of Elsa from 'Frozen' in my sig line.....

"Let it go"

You're going to have to let it go, sweetie. Stupid crap kids do, you were still experimenting at that age, without the viewpoint that only a few years since then, brings, when it comes to knowing to control new and exciting sexual urges. You're not a monster. I seriously doubt he was in the least traumatised or affected negatively by such a brief thing that you did. Just call it playing around and let it go, sweetie.

I wouldn't bother telling my mom. She might be horrified, or to be blunt, on the other extreme, she might laugh and tell you you're being silly. Really just depends on the parent. But I think she'd be something less than horrified, sweetie. You were (and are) a young lady in the process of maturation. You're not a monster, nor do you seem a perv. Let it go is the best thing you can do for yourself and everyone, in my opinion.

The person who posted here, I just changed accounts.

When I look back at what state I was during writing this post, it's kinda funny. I was so paranoid and my OCD took over, so what I wrote here was really just the worst case scenario. When I finally calmed down and thought this situation through, analyzed it for so long, I realised how bad my memories betrayed me.
The whole situation happened twice, which I'm relieved to know. I wanted to make him lose the game we used to play all the time, that was called 'chicken'. I knew he had a crush on me, so from what I've seen on tv, I'd make our faces close and wait until he chickened out. Basically it was still pretty immature, but none of it happened with as wrong intentions on my side as I wrote in previous post. My mind completely erased the game part, making it seem like I wanted to do it. I've been a mess over it for so long, only to realise that none of it was true.
Still, reading all those posts here I learned to be much more understanding. I'm not as judgemental as I used to be, and I hope everybody will find their way out of guilt and shame.

[mod sprock: requested edit of a few words]