exhausted from beating myself up

Hello all,

I was sexually abused when I was 6 years of age by my older brother who was then 16, he would come into my room at night and touch me and rub against me , at a young age I was displaying signs of sexuality if that is the word at school, I was masturbating in my class daily with a ruler, the teacher called my mother in and said I might be sexually abused but nothing was done about it, I remember as a child I was eating dinner alone in the front room and I took the cat and tried to put his face near my private part, I remember taking the knife from my dinner and trying to use that to rub my privates. this was all at that same time.

As I got older I was babysitting two girls who would have been 6 or 7 and I was sexual towards them, I was 15 nearly 16.

I ended up feeling myself beside them in the bed and rubbed up against one of them and briefly rubbed against her bum. I remember babysitting a 6 year old boy too and playing a game where i would have a object in my hand and he would push it and the object would touch against me as part of the game.

Like you I feel I done this because I was in so much pain over what happened to me with my brother, I never was sexually attracted to any child ever it was all coming from pain within me and It was like I was trying to get another perspective or closure from doing what I done, I only felt worse though.

I never done anything since, I felt very uneasy as a child and teen, there was alot of stress and dysfuction in my family and my parents broke up when i was 12. I felt very alone at that time.

I regret with all my heart my actions, I have the last few days agonised over it, I now have two boys toddlers who are my world, I would do anything for them and the thought of what I done just makes me feel so so awful.

Last night I was feeling so bad I went on another forum and posted my story and i had a bad experience that really caused me alot of distress but perhaps it was the way I interpreted it and not the persons intentions.

The response was


" Have you looked into sexual abuse counseling for this? It is never too late.

Unfortunately, what you did was to abuse the children you babysat and they too, may need counseling. Its a hard pill to swallow, but rather than feel crushed by it, now is the time to do something about it! It is not too late to get yourself right about this...but it wont be easy. Time and counseling should put you in a better spot.

Im not judging you. I just dont want you to be in pain for something you did when you were 16 which is only partially your fault. You didnt have anyone to talk to then, but for the sake of your children, find someone professional to talk to now.

You were very brave to come on here and talk about this. Take the next step and talk to a professional about how you are feeling. Until you absolve yourself of the guilt, you may not move on from this and they can help you... "

After I read this my head literally felt like it was about to implode, I read her saying for the sake of my children as in I am a danger to them, I have never felt so rotten, I have never felt suicidal but I replied saying I felt like I could die I felt so bad, I did not mean it suicidally but I know people are obligated maybe if you say something like that, I then got a message with suicide hotline numbers off an administrator and when I replied saying I was not suicidal heard nothing back, I then realised the administrator had editied half of my post out, parts that were not even offensive just part of my story like where I said i was never attracted to a child ever and other important parts, I felt so confused as to why an admin would do this , she also edited the response above and removed for the sake of your children, I had posted again asking the person to clarify what she meant by for the sake of my children as i was distressed about it, my head has being thumping since with stress and wondering what did the woman mean when she said for the sake of your children.

I cannot stop crying, I just want to move on from this and be a present and loving mother free from this pain. I just wish I had never posted in the first place. I have ocd which makes matters alot worse and I recently increased my meds which is possibly why i feel so bad.

I thought to myself laying in bed last night I literally cannot go on feeling this amount of distress and pain, I thought to myself am I worthy of love, am I a bad person, these are the questions still in my mind today, I feel like if the answer is yes I have to move on from this and let myself feel peace but i keep thinking I am a horrible person

Ha! This is what happens if you ruminate. It is quite easy to convince yourself that you are bad by repeating the sentence in your head a sufficient number of times. Perhaps it hasn't occurred to you that if you had really been bad, you wouldn't have repented. Your remorse absolves you of whatever wrong you may have done at an immature age. It also guarantees that you won't repeat such deeds. So there is nothing for you to fear. You can forget what happened in the other forum and stop ruminating.

Thank you very much Helloagain, I think my ocd is what causes me to ruminate, I get stuck on one thing somebody said and I can worry about it for quite a while and causes me alot of stress, also the seeking reassurance is part of it too..

It is so exhausting, I hope as I get older I will get better and better, I am 34 now.

Thanks for your reply.x

-- Wed Feb 08, 2017 7:36 pm --

Thank you very much Helloagain, I think my ocd is what causes me to ruminate, I get stuck on one thing somebody said and I can worry about it for quite a while and causes me alot of stress, also the seeking reassurance is part of it too..

It is so exhausting, I hope as I get older I will get better and better, I am 34 now.

Thanks for your reply.x