Bully confessions & what changed my behavior

When I was a kid I had an unfortunate habit of acting out in an aggressive fashion. It started with an incident in preschool when I attacked another kid for knocking down my woodblock fort. I was five years old so it wasn't some kind of horrible assault or anything but yeah, I did it & I got into trouble for it. What I got from that incident was every time I saw that kid after that, he was clearly afraid of me & I really liked that. It was my first power trip & it felt good.
Most of the time my aggressive episodes were triggered by someone trying to dominate me. Trying to take a toy I was playing with, knocking down stuff I was making, scribbling on my drawings, taunting me, whatever. Basically, if you messed with me, I was ready to fight. I didn't win all the fights I got into. I got my ass handed to me several times in fact, but that didn't matter. I stood my ground & that's what was important to me. Sometimes though, the aggressive behavior, I did it for fun. It felt great to watch other kids squirm in my presence. It was a huge power trip & yeah, I got off on it. It was how I dominated other kids. They knew it was my way or they got hurt. The intimidation factor alone was enough to make that work. My father was a horribly abusive man so you could say I learned the behavior from him. Where ever I got it from, I was bully, that's for damn sure. What changed this pattern of behavior was my first girlfriend. I was sixteen, she was fourteen. She was a friend of mine's sister so I watched her blossom from a snot nosed little kid to a beautiful flower of femininity & I was in the right place at the right time to pluck her. All the aggressive energy I was putting into dominating other kids was now focused on this one girl but in a hugely different way. At the time all I was doing was reacting to how she made me feel but what I was really doing to her was "love bombing." I'd give her presents, take her for rides in my car. I'd gently touch her & whisper sweet things to her like how beautiful she was & how much I liked her. I was into taking pictures & drawing so I'd take pictures of her & make a drawing of my favorite pics. I even wrote poems for her. I'd give her these things & she loved it. She ate my attention up like a starving animal. Soon we were having full on sex & it was incredible. God I was out of my head over her. Then her parents got wind of what we were doing & banned her from ever seeing me again. I was devastated. For weeks all I did was cry & fantasize about killing her parents. It was really horrible. I never saw her again, I never killed her parents and I never bullied another person. That energy was now focused on my sexuality. At least in my case, that was a more appropriate use for it.
My first love had a huge effect on me that's stuck with me to this day. If she had been a normal teenager rather than a budding sex goddess my life may have turned out differently. My romantic relationships would have been different. I'm certain of that. But that's for another post.
If you were bullied by a kid like me from the bottom of my heart & soul, I'm truly, deeply sorry. I know there's nothing I can do to make you feel better but if you want to cuss me out in the comments, I'll understand. What happened to you was really horrible & it sucks your life was damaged that way. I really regret much of what I did & I've no excuses for it. I was a rotten kid, It's just that simple. You never should have had to suffer for that. I don't know what else to say.

First of all, if you had bullied someone and you went to them and stated that you were sorry, I'd hope they would be, at least, willing to listen to you. If they didn't, then it was their choice to handle things in that manner and you need to be respectful of their choices they are entitled to make. There is a lot of hurt from bullying, as you know. There is a lot that others can share or have already shared here to show the effects of bullying.

But, I am glad your life has turned around. I don't believe it takes someone to be bullied to know and recognize that it is wrong. It takes a changed person to want to change and to realize they were in the wrong for behaving like that.

I am also really sorry for your sorrow of not being allowed to be with your girlfriend of your younger years. That in itself is very sad. Hugs if wanted.

Thank you for sharing your story.

quietgirl2538 wrote:First of all, if you had bullied someone and you went to them and stated that you were sorry, I'd hope they would be, at least, willing to listen to you. If they didn't, then it was their choice to handle things in that manner and you need to be respectful of their choices they are entitled to make. There is a lot of hurt from bullying, as you know. There is a lot that others can share or have already shared here to show the effects of bullying.

But, I am glad your life has turned around. I don't believe it takes someone to be bullied to know and recognize that it is wrong. It takes a changed person to want to change and to realize they were in the wrong for behaving like that.

I am also really sorry for your sorrow of not being allowed to be with your girlfriend of your younger years. That in itself is very sad. Hugs if wanted.

Thank you for sharing your story.

Thank you for responding Quietgirl. I appreciate it.

Hey, I read your post and was a bit moved. I have a couple questions though. How did her being a "sexual goddess" change your future relationships? How old are you now? I'm sure you're aware love doesnt just die and if she really loved you, I'm sure she'd be willing to consider a relationship with you when she becomes 18 and can make her own decisions. Becoming a man and waiting to have sex later isn't a bad thing. Sometimes a little patience can go a long way.

It's commendable of you to see your past mistakes in bullying other kids and the hurt and pain that may have caused them later in their lives. No one can ever know how it's shaped their perception of people and their later experiences in life either. The cause and effect we deal with on a daily basis is pure insanity sometimes. It's amazing sometimes how some can walk around unscathed on both ends of the stick and make it out of the mess somehow while others get lost in the throws of it. Either way it's a battle and it's really commendable of you to face some of the things you may have done in the past. Hopefully, like the other poster said, you could talk to some of the people you once bullied and this time help get them out of the hidden cubby hole mentality they may have shrouded themselves in to protect from the outside world. Bullying can definitely sometimes lead to tunnel vision and it can become really difficult to see beyond it and defeat it\ only because sometimes, for the bullied it's enmeshed in very real insecurities.

Thanks though for your post. Your pain, your heartbreak and your apology is deeply and profoundly felt.