Lots of guilt

When I was younger about 12 to 19 I did some bad stuff that I didn't really think about at the time. Sometimes I would go through my sister's and friend's mom underwear drawer. I also had a female roommate that I shared a house with in college that I did this as well. I had a pretty strong panty fetish. I realised this was wrong like 6 years ago and haven't done this in 6 years. However it hit me pretty hard how bad this was to do and I can't get over the guilt of it. I have seriously been thinking I am a horrible person for nearly 6 years straight. I have been dealing with a lot of anxiety for 6 years because of this. I was diagnosed with OCD around 12 years of age ( I'm 25). My brain tells me that I am a sexual deviant for doing this and I can't shake that feeling. I have been having panic attacks in the past 6years because my brain tells me I'm not normal and I'm not really sure how I can go in with my life feeling like this. I also found an article : http://www.hypersexualdisorders.com/hyp ... -disorder/ stating that you can be diagnosed with fetishistic disorder if you have violated boundaries in the past. I am extremely anxious right now

-- Sun Jan 15, 2017 7:06 pm --

I don't know what to do. I've been feeling this way for years thinking I am a monster

Hi Quantum,

Panty fetishes are very common and you're not a deviant for having it. Many men and women like women's panties, among other items of clothing. No surprise there.

Nobody was harmed through your actions, so try to put things into perspective. It is of course wrong to go through people's private stuff, whatever it may be, but that is the only violation here, not the fetish itself.

How do you feel about your propensity to do what you did again? You clearly acknowledge you were wrong to do that, but don't ethically conflate the action of violating someone's privacy and having the fetish itself. Try to separate the two, because they don't have to be connected.

There is nothing wrong with having a panty fetish. There IS something wrong with going through people's stuff, whatever it is. You already know that.

There is no reason to treat these incidents and the resulting awakening from it as anything more than a warning sign. You know you would get caught eventually if you keep doing it. So just focus on keeping it private.

Therapy can help you with your OCD, as I'm sure you're aware. But know that it is the OCD that is making this much bigger than it really is. The content of the thought isn't the problem - we all have unwanted thoughts from time to time - it's the power you believe that thought has, and the rate of its occurrence that is the issue. That's what therapy can help you with.

I couldn't ever do it again, the guilt for the last several years is too much. I've learned that there are better ways of indulging my fetish with a partner or alone. I just feel incredibly bad that I did these things as a teenager and now I'm obsessing about the fact that I could be diagnosed with fetishistic disorder for doing these things in the past.

-- Mon Jan 16, 2017 11:15 am --

I'm also considering possibly getting chemical castration

-- Mon Jan 16, 2017 11:34 am --

That would be the only way I would feel redeemed for what I've done

Chemical castration is by no means neccesary. I understand that you just want to escape from the thoughts, and chemical castration is a way out for you.

A fetish for panties is not something to be ashamed of. Violating other peoples privacy is not okay, but DEFINETLY forgiveable I understand that you will not violate peoples privacy again, so all is good!

Good post LJ and very much agreed

I just feel like I have deeply harmed someone. I wasn't thinking clearly in the moment and it was a terrible thing to do. I don't know how I can continue on with life without constantly feeling guilt for this

But you didn't seriously harm anyone.

I just feel like I need to be judged. I will accept any punishment as long as the guilt will go away. I feel like I haven't been punished enough even though these events were around 6 years ago now since I last did it. I feel like some sort of pervert that is marked for life. I don't think this is related to my OCD and the guilt I feel is almost the same intensity as if I had raped or maimed someone. I really want to be chemically castrated so that I will know 100% for sure that I will never do this ever again. I never want to experience arousal

Quantum123 wrote:I don't think this is related to my OCD and the guilt I feel is almost the same intensity as if I had raped or maimed someone.

Then it clearly *is* related to your OCD since it is totally illogical and simply unfair that your guilt should be the same as if you raped or maimed someone, since you haven't ruined or even damaged anyone's life. You are not a rapist or a murderer. That is important.

I still feel that I should do the chemical castration though. I think I could live out the rest of my life in peace that way without feeling guilt, it would help me atone for what I've done. I'm not sure if a doctor would prescribe it though.